The Voyager Coronary: The Slow-Motion Picture, Part II
Written by Tim Mohr, aka “Cureboy”
Published July 16, 2000
The first part was several several weeks ago... I needed time to allow my brain to totally quit functioning. Then I’d be able to continue the story! 😀
Insert Voice of Charlton Heston:
“Before the film broke, the crew of the Federation Starship Voyager had reunited in order to fight its greatest challenge yet. (insert melodramatic music) A deadly gigantic nebula has destroyed the Deep Space Nine station (insert celebratory music here) and now the nebula is on a direct course to Earth. (return to melodramatic music... the DJ is earning his money today) And this is no ordinary nebula. It’s a super huge nebula. Bigger than North Dakota, even. The only ship that stands in its way is the Starship Voyager. God help us all. Now, I’d like to speak about the National Rifle Association. I believe...”
End Charlton Heston transmission.
“Captain’s Log: Several weeks since this movie began. We are continuing our journey towards the nebula. The crew is continuing to prepare themselves for battle. Chakotay is continuing to get on my nerves. Always complaining about his lack of character development. Waa, Waa, Waa!”
Suddenly, Voyager starts to shake and Voyager starts to shimmy. Janeway gets on the intercom, “Bridge to Astrometrics: Seven! Are you flopping your breasts around again?”
Seven responds, “Affirmative, Captain. My bosoms are flying around like crazy. But that is not what’s causing the ship to shake and shimmy.”
Paris announces, “We are caught in a slooooooow motion wormhole...”
Kim says, “Excuuuuuuuse me, Captainnnnnnn. I have to leaaaaave...”
Janeway says, “Wheeeeeeere are you goinnnnnnnnng?”
Kim says “Toooo Astrometrics, I wannnnnnnnna see Seven before she ends her little peep show up therrrrrrrre...”
Tuvok says, “Captainnnnnnnn... There is an object at the edge of the slooooow motion wormhole.......”
Paris says, “It’s an asterooooooooooid......”
Janeway says, “Tuuuuuuuuuvok. Fire phasers at the asterooooooooooid......”
Chakotay says, “Nooooooooooo! Belay that phaaaaaser orrrrder......”
Janeway smacks Chakotay over the head and says, “What have I tooooooooold you about speaking in pubbbbbbbblic?”
Chakotay says, “Sorrrrrrry Maaaaaaaaaaam...”
Janeway says, “Oooooooookay,,,,,,,,,, Tuuuuuuuuuuvok. Fire!”
BOOM! Seconds later the asteroid is destroyed, and Voyager emerges from the slow-motion wormhole.
Janeway says, “Whoa! What was that all about?”
Tuvok responds, “I don’t know! I haven’t felt time pass so slowly since the time Chakotay told me his life story!”
Torres says from engineering, “Captain! I have terrible news. We are fresh out of deuterium! We cannot go to warp speed until we get more deuterium!”
Janeway says, “Damn! We are going to have to find a Demon-class planet and get some deuterium... fast!”
Chakotay says, “Captain, are you sure that’s such a good idea? Demon planets don’t seem to go over really well with the audience...”
Janeway says, “We have no choice! Mr. Paris, how long until the nebula reaches Earth?”
Paris responds, “25.7 hours.”
Meanwhile.... 2.4 hours later...
Janeway asks, “Mr. Paris, how long until the nebula reaches Earth?”
Paris responds, “23.3 hours. I’m getting so good at math!”
Janeway then says, “Okay, well there’s a Demon-class planet dead ahead. Mr. Paris: Take us down to that planet!”
Paris says, “Yes Ma’am!”
Janeway says, “You can only call me Ma’am in a crunch, Mr. Paris. It’s not crunch time yet, Mr. Paris!”
Over at the Ops station, Mr. Kim pulls out his bag of potato chips and begins eating. The chips make an incredibly loud crunching sound.
Janeway turns to Harry and glares at him and says, “It’s not crunch time, Mr. Kim. I’ll let you know when.”
A few hours later, Voyager lands on the demon planet and the great deuterium search begins. Eventually, Lt. Torres finds a big puddle of deuterium and pages Janeway. Torres exclaims, “Captain! Great news! I have found deuterium galore!”
Janeway says, “Good work, Torres. Can you pump it into our engines??”
Torres responds, “Yes Captain. I will need somebody from Engineering to bring me a tri-axilating recursion matrix subspace transponder fuel manifold. Preferably one capable of calibrating the EPS conduits to a polaric inverse of the quantum isometric field emitter......... Or you can just bring me some buckets. Whichever works easier.”
A short time later, Voyager’s engines are up to 95% full power. Janeway asks, “We couldn’t get up to 100%? Why not?”
Torres responds, “Because I said so, Captain. That’s why!”
Janeway says, “A-ha! Good work, B’Elanna. You are a miracle worker!”
Torres then says, “Unfortunately, because the engines aren’t at full power, we will have to leave one crew member behind. Otherwise none of us will be able to leave the planet. We have no other alternative.”
Janeway says, “Hmmmm... sounds like we don’t have any other alternative. Very well. All senior officers: Meet me in the briefing room!”
The meeting commences in the briefing room. Janeway says, “Well, it seems we are going to have to leave somebody behind. I think we should take a vote to decide who leaves the island... I mean ship. I’m sure that you all will vote very logically. I am sure that you won’t vote for a single person, just because he is a 100% pain in the ass.”
Janeway then turns to Neelix and cackles and says, “We’re gonna miss you, Neelix!”
So they all fill out their secret ballots. Then Janeway reads the surprising announcement, “Whoa!! According to this, we have chosen Chakotay to leave the ship. Chakotay got all nine votes! Chakotay, why the hell did you vote for yourself???”
Chakotay responds, “I just assumed everybody would vote for Neelix. So I voted for myself because I didn’t want a landslide decision to hurt Neelix’s feelings. Besides, Captain, why did you vote for me? I am your husband!!”
Janeway replies, “Because I’m mean! Well, I think we all hate long good-byes. Soooooo... Later, Chuckles!! Write if you get work...”
Moments later, Voyager takes off from the planet, on a course to intercept the nebula, which is now about 10 hours away from Earth.
On the demon planet, Chakotay is sobbing uncontrollably. His mood does not improve when he gets a telegram from the J-Team which reads, “MWAAAA HA HA HA! Too bad, so sad. Janeway was way too good for you!”
Suddenly, Chakotay notices one of the puddles of goop go crazy. He stands in shock as another Starship Voyager magically appears. And a duplicate crew of the Voyager slowly comes out of the ship and approaches Chakotay.
Chakotay says, “Whoa! It must have been magical duplicating goop! Attention Voyager duplicates: I need your help. We are taking this duplicate Voyager off this planet! Janeway and the others will be sorry they ever crossed me! By Grabthar’s Hammer, I shall be avenged!!!”
The duplicates look at Chakotay in confusion and Chakotay says, “Sorry, I rented Galaxy Quest last night...”
Meanwhile... On the true-blue real-deal Voyager...
Paris makes an announcement, “Captain! We are approaching the entrance to the nebula!!”
Janeway says, “Boy Tom, you know how to look at that viewscreen, don’t you? All senior officers: report to the Bridge at once!!”
Mr. Kim rushes to the turbolift and rides it up to the Bridge. Finally he reaches the Bridge and leaves the turbolift. Unfortunately the turbolift doors close too quickly and Harry gets his hand crushed by the doors. The loud crunching sound of the bones in Harry’s hand being crushed is heard by the whole bridge crew.
Janeway turns to Harry and says, “It not crunch time, Mr. Kim. I’ll let you know.”
Tuvok then points out a sign that hangs on the entrance to the nebula. “WELCOME TO THE TOTA NEBULA: TRESPASSERS WILL BE DISINTEGRATED!”
Janeway says, “Hmmm... They call this the Tota Nebula, eh? Interesting...”
Suddenly a being at the heart of the nebula says, “Listen to me very carefully, Voyager! You will not enter this nebula. Do you understand me?”
Janeway says, “No dice, Nebula! I am taking my ship inside of you. No matter if you like it or not. You understand me, Nebula? ...I can’t believe I’m talking to a nebula...”
The Nebula responds, “You can’t enter this nebula!”
Janeway asks, “Well, why not?”
The Nebula answers, “Well first of all, you need a warrant! I’m not stupid, I’ve seen Mannix!”
Janeway says, “I don’t need a warrant!... I will destroy you!... Time to take out the garbage! Time’s... up! Assimilate this! Saddle up... Lock and load!”
The bridge crew looks at Janeway in confusion. Then Janeway explains, “I had to add those sound bites so that the producers would have something quotable to put in the trailer for the film...”
At that moment, the intensity intensifies as Janeway orders Voyager inside the Tota Nebula...
To Be Continued...