The Voyager Coronary: The Slow-Motion Picture, Part III
Written by Tim Mohr, aka “Cureboy”
Published August 27, 2000
Insert voice of Ed McMahon... (We didn’t have the budget for Charlton Heston this time.)
The last time we left our fearless heroes, they have begun to enter the dangerous Tota Nebula..... HI-HO!! But this was no ordinary nebula. This was a talking nebula. And not only that, but it spoke English! This nebula is hours away from reaching Earth’s orbit and destroying everything. And we really can’t allow that to happen, now can we? Meanwhile, the ever-bitter Chakotay was left behind on the Demon planet. He managed to hook up with the duplicates of Voyager and the Voyager crew... His plan? To exact his bitter revenge on Voyager... Lettuce continue...”
(The Voyager Coronary is taped in front of a live studio audience.)
“Captain’s Log: Supplementally supplemental. The nebula has threatened us with extreme damage if we enter inside of him. But I think he’s just fooling. So I’ve ordered us to go full speed ahead into this nebula. We must destroy this nebula or else it will destroy Earth... But that may not be a bad thing because that would mean Big Brother would be off the air... No!! We must destroy this nebula. I am 100% certain that our mission will end in triumph!!!”
Suddenly Mr. Tuvok says, “Captain!! The nebula is firing some sort of high-powered energy weapon!”
Janeway quickly says, “Captain’s Log, Supplemental. Make that about 47% certain...”
Tuvok panics, “Captain... Shall I raise the shields?”
Janeways says, “Uh, no Tuvok. We should all sit down and play a game of Chinese checkers. Yes, you dolt! Raise the shields! ...Pedantic Drone!”
Kim dramatically annouces, “Impact.... in 47 seconds!!”
Meanwhile... 30 seconds later...
Kim screams, “Impact... in 17 seconds!”
Seven of Nine chimes in, “‘Seventeen Seconds’? One of The Cure’s best albums ever! Although I do prefer ‘Disintegration,’ myself. I’ve always been a bit of a Goth drone.”
Suddenly... KABOOM!! The weapon hits Voyager. The bridge starts to shake and the bridge starts to shimmy. A console explodes and the Bridge catches on fire! Neelix screams, “Captain!! We can’t burn this bridge!... Get it... Burning the bridge... WAAA HA HA HA HA HA!!!”
Janeway turns to Neelix, pulls out a sledge hammer, knocks him over the head a number of times with it. She then turns to Tuvok and says, “Tuvok!! Damage report!!”
Tuvok begins his monologue, “Damage reports coming in. The hull breach on Deck 15 had widened to include Decks 14, 13, 12, 11, 10, 9 and 8. We’ve lost all the plasma conduits and all the EPS systems. The warp coils have been fused. Lt. Torres is con-fused. Life support has failed on all decks. We are completely out of matter... And Auntie-Matter... As well as Uncle-Matter. 255 crewmembers have been killed... Which is odd when you consider the fact that Voyager’s crew compliment is 147. Both warp nacelles and the warp core have been completely disintegrated. However... We were able to save the Fair Haven holodeck simulation!”
Janeway says, “Whew!”
Tuvok continues, “We are beaten, Captain. We must retreat! The damage to Voyager is just too extreme!”
Janeway says, “Hmmmm... Wait about eight seconds and check again.”
Tuvok complies, “Acknowledged.... My goodness Captain, you’re right!! The damage has miraculously cured itself!!”
Janeway asks, “How did their weapon penetrate our shields so easily??”
Tuvok explains, “Well, I’m afraid I forgot to raise the shields. As a result, dozens of crewmembers have been killed.”
Janeway says, “Well, better luck next time!” And with that... Voyager continues inside the evil nebula...
Meanwhile... On the bridge of the duplicate Voyager...
Dupe-Janeway says, “So Chakotay. Are we going to chase after Voyager and destroy them?”
Chakotay says, “Oh heavens no! I have a better idea. You see, Voyager has entered the evil nebula. There is no doubt that the nebula will destroy Voyager. And, in the meantime, we will take this duplicate Voyager back to Earth. When we arrive we will say that we destroyed the nebula. Starfleet will consider us great big heroes. And the real Voyager will be destroyed. Vengance will be mine!! We must set a course for Earth!”
Dupe-Janeway says, “Um, Chakotay... The nebula has not been destroyed. It will reach Earth in about a couple of hours. Now if we tell Starfleet we destroyed the nebula, won’t they get a little suspicious when the damn thing destroys Earth?”
Chakotay says, “Granted... There are a couple of inherent problems in my plan! Very well... Set a course for the nebula. The real Voyager will be destroyed because it’s a puny little ship. And then we will arrive with our duplicate Voyager and we will destroy the nebula. We will still be heroes!”
Dupe-Janeway says, “Um, Chakotay... Our duplicate Voyager is just as puny as the real Voyager. The nebula will destroy us just as easily as it destroys Voyager.”
Chakotay says, “Granted... There are a couple of inherent problems in that plan as well. Hey!! Wait a minute... What if I made a deal with the devil??”
Dupe-Janeway says, “You mean.... the Borg???”
Chakotay says, “Well, I was thinking more along the lines Satan... But the Borg will do fine... Set a course for Borg space!!”
Meanwhile... Back on the real-deal true-blue Voyager...
Voyager continues its journey to the heart of the nebula. Mr. Paris says, “This is odd, the nebula hasn’t fired anymore weapons at us!”
Janeway explains, “Oh, I got a restraining order.”
Suddenly Tuvok says, “Oh crud! There is a huge beam of light heading right for us! It’s some sort of probe.”
Janeway says, “Oh no! Sounds like a big-time probe problem!”
Then the probe boards Voyager and takes the form off good old Mr. Worf. Janeway is none too pleased, “Worf!! Must you be in every single thing that is the slightest bit Trek related?? What’s next? You going to marry one of my crewmembers now?”
Nebula-Worf replies, “I am not a marry man!”
Janeway says, “Well then, what are you doing here?”
Nebula-Worf explains, “I represent the Tota Nebula. The nebula seeks the creator!”
Janeway asks, “You mean Rick Berman?? Gene Roddenberry?”
Nebula-Worf says, “No! I seek the creator.”
Janeway asks, “Who is the creator?”
Nebula-Worf responds, “The creator is that which created me.”
Janeway then asks, “Well, who are you?”
Nebula-Worf says, “I am that which was created by the creator.”
Janeway says, “Okay then... Who is the creator?? Oh wait, I’m noticing a trend here... Never mind. I’ve got it!! Actually Mr. Worf, I am the creator.”
Nebula-Worf replies, “Liar Liar, pants on fire!”
At that moment Janeway snaps. She reverts back to mentally unbalanced “Year of Hell”/“Equinox”/“Night” Janeway. She screams, “Get off this ship!”
Nebula-Worf laughs and says, “Oh please, lady. You need to sit your ass down.”
Janeway’s head starts spinning... Her eyes turn a very dark red. She screams, “I will kill you, nebula! As God as my witness, I will kill you! Even if it means costing the lives of every person on this ship!!!”
The Bridge crew proceeds to wet their pants...
Meanwhile, in Borg space...
Chakotay laments, “You know. I think we may have killed the Borg Queen in another Coronary episode...”
Dupe-Janeway says, “Continuity is for whimps!”
Suddenly, the Borg Queen beams to Voyager. Chakotay asks, “Okay, which queen are you? Are you Alice Krige/First Contact Borg Queen? Or Susanna Thompson/‘Dark Frontier’ Borg Queen?”
The Borg Queen explains, “I am Lucille Ball/I Love Lucy Borg Queen!”
Dupe-Paris says, “Wow! I haven’t seen so many queens since the time Dupe-Harry took me to the gay bar on the Holodeck.”
Dupe-Kim yelps, “Dammit Tom! You ever hear of ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’??”
Chakotay then says, “Very well, Queenie. We need you to help us destroy the nebula.”
Queen Lucy says, “Okay. But in return, we want you to help us assimilate one of our enemies.”
Chakotay pauses, “I don’t know. I’d be helping a race of beings who have killed billions...”
Queen Lucy says, “WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! Why can’t I be in the show?”
Chakotay says, “All right!! Just shut up already! We will help you. Which beings do you want to assimilate?”
Queen Lucy says, “We want to assimilate humanity!”
Chakotay says, “Okay fine. We’ll help you assimilate Humanity. As long as we are able to stop the nebula from destroying Humanity.”
Dupe-Janeway whispers quickly into Chakotay’s ear. He then says quietly, “Oh, I see your point Dupe-Janeway... Good catch!”
Chakotay turns to Queen Lucy and says, “I don’t think so! Any other species you have your eyes on?”
Queen Lucy says, “Ummmmm... What about the Klingons? Is that kosher?”
Chakotay says, “I dunno. If we do that, I have a sick feeling that Worf is going to show up again. But it’s a chance we have to take. You have a deal. So now explain to us how to the destroy the nebula. You have some ’splaining to do, Lucy...”
To Be Continued...