Janeway’s Therapy, Chapter 2: “The 37’s Projections”
Written by Tim Mohr, aka “Cureboy”
Published September 3, 2000
The famous Borg Psychiatrist, Sigmund of Freud, continues his therapy sessions with the now-delusional Captain Kathryn Janeway. Janeway enters and Dr. Freud asks, “How are we feeling today?”
Janeway says, “Well, we spilled some hot coffee on ourselves at breakfast today...”
Freud asks, “And how does that make you feel?”
Janeway replies, “Burned.”
Freud then says, “Hmmmm... Interesting. I think it is time to begin another therapy session. I should probably start by hypnotizing you.”
Janeway says, “Okay, but if I wake up naked like last time, you’ll be sorry...”
And Janeway flashes back to the early days...
Voyager is just tooling along. Mr. Paris makes a shocking discovery, “Captain! There is a Plymouth... Just flying around in space!”
Janeway says, “Okay. Big fat deal. Resume course for the Alpha Quadrant.”
Paris then says, “But Captain... It is carrying manure!”
Janeway screams, “All stop! We must investigate!”
A little while later, the Plymouth is pulled into the shuttlebay. They had to put it into the shuttlebay because Voyager doesn’t have a Plymouth Bay. Janeway contemplates, “This is very odd. A Plymouth... in the Delta Quadrant!”
Mr. Neelix explains, “This is weird, the Interstate isn’t scheduled to be built in this sector for another 4 months...”
Janeway then locates a recording device inside the Plymouth. She plays back the record... “Farmer’s Log: Supplemental. I am on my way to town. With my manure. Hoping to make a nice profit. What??? What the Hell? I’m being zapped up by some freaky spaceship. I don’t know anything about technobabble. But I dare say this is an inverted polaric gravitron beam with an isodynamic signature. Hey! Leave me alone... Just take my manure and leave me be... Mommy!!” The message stops.
Janeway stands with her hands on her hips and says, “Mr. Paris. Set a course for the nearby planet. If this planet has the technology to bring this Plymouth from Earth to the Delta Quadrant... Then it must have the technology to...”
Paris interrupts, “It must have the technology to bring a Dodge here too! Good thinking, Captain! I’ll set a course!”
Meanwhile... In Sickbay...
The Doctor clicks his combadge... “Doctor to Seven of Nine.”
The computer announces, “Seven of Nine is not aboard... She does not yet exist. ...Idiot.”
Suddenly The Doctor’s surroundings go haywire... He realizes that he is now all alone on Voyager. The Doctor screams, “Hello?? Hello?? Helloooooooo?”
Just then, the ever-irritating Reginald Barclay walks into Sickbay. Barclay says, “Hello, Doctor!”
The Doctor says, “Mr. Barclay! What are you doing here? And where is Counselor Troi?? I thought you two were joined at the hip!”
Barclay replies, “Oh no. It’s just me this time. Counselor Troi is busy, she’s on a mission with...... Captain Picard!!”
The Doctor says, “Huh? Why the big dramatic pause?”
Barclay whispers, “It’s for the UPN promo...”
The Doctor replies, “A-ha! I get it. So what are you doing here? Where is the Voyager crew?”
Barclay replies, “Well, Doctor, that’s just it. There is no Voyager crew... They do not exist. Voyager is nothing but a Holodeck simulation. Unfortunately, the Holodeck simulation has gone terribly wrong.”
The Doctor says, “Oh, please! I don’t believe you for a second! The Holodecks never malfunction!”
Meanwhile... In the realm of reality...
Janeway and her crew beam down to the nearby planet. They find a big sign that says, “Welcome! Cryogenically Frozen Humans to the Left... Snack Bar to the right.”
Janeway and her crew head to the left and they find 8 human beings in stasis chambers. Janeway is shocked, “My God! These people are from Earth... From the year 1937!!”
Mr. Kim asks, “Okay, now why would aliens travel 75,000 light years to kidnap 8 human beings... Then travel another 75,000 light years back to this planet just to put them all in stasis chambers?”
Janeway replies, “It serves the plot...” Janeway then sees one of the females in stasis and she says, “My God! It’s her! It’s Amelia Earhart!”
Neelix asks, “Who is Amelia Earhart?”
Janeway replies, “She was the first woman pilot to fly a lot. In fact, if it wasn’t for Amelia Earhart, I never would have joined Starfleet!”
Neelix says, “I thought you joined Starfleet because of Shannon O’Donnell, Your Great-Great-Great-Great-Great-Great-Great-Great-Grandmother?”
Janeway says, “Oh please, Neelix! The woman wasn’t that great! She worked in a bookstore in Indiana! Hardly heroic material. Anyways, let’s open these chambers up. I just have to get Earhart’s autograph!”
Meanwhile... Back on the Holodeck gone bad...
The Doctor continues to be cynical, “Voyager is not a simulation... You silly man.”
Barclay says, “Oh, I can prove it. Computer, reset Voyager simulation to Day One.”
The room suddenly turns to the point where the Doctor was first activated, when Voyager arrived in the Delta Quadrant. The Doctor says, “Whoa! I remember this! These are my first memories!”
The Doctor turns to Mr. Kim and says, “Tricorder!”
Kim hands him a tricorder. The Doctor says, “Medical tricorder!”
Kim hands him another tricorder. The Doctor says, “The blue medical tricorder!”
Kim hands him yet another tricorder. The Doctor smacks Harry over the head with it and says, “The dark blue medical tricorder!!”
Meanwhile... on the planet surface...
The 37’s are woken up. Janeway says, “Don’t be alarmed. There is nothing to be concerned about. You people have been in stasis for about 400 years. And I bet you’re hungry. We can take you to the snack bar.”
A Japanese man says, “Wait! I don’t understand. How come you can speak Japanese!?”
Janeway says, “Oh, it’s because of our fancy-schmancy universal translators... They make us become bisexual.”
Neelix says, “Uh... Captain... I think you mean bilingual...”
Janeway replies, “Speak for yourself, Mr. Neelix!”
Suddenly Amelia’s little friend Noonan grabs Janeway’s phaser and says, “All right! What’s going on here?”
Janeway clicks her combadge and says, “Janeway to Chakotay! This Noonan man is holding a phaser on us. We need some help, Commander!!!”
Noonan grabs the combadge and says, “Look here, Commander. I am holding this ray-gun on your Captain here. And I’m giving you exactly five minutes to get me in touch with J. Edgar Hoover, or I start shooting people!”
Neelix looks confused, “Who is J. Edgar Hoover?”
Paris responds, “He was a historic 20th century transvestite.”
Janeway says, “Yes, good old J. Edgar Hoover. If it wasn’t for him, I never would have joined Starfleet...”
Meanwhile... Back in the goofy sickbay...
The Doctor hits Mr. Kim over the head with a stick and says, “No! You idiot! Give me the small dark blue medical tricorder with attachable speakers and ‘Double-A’ batteries!”
Barclay says, “Well, do you believe me now?”
The Doctor says, “Okay fine! I’m real! Voyager is imaginary! You happy now?? Now can I go back to humiliating Mr. Kim??”
Barclay says, “I’m afraid not. You see, you have to destroy Voyager!”
The Doctor says, “But why??”
Barclay responds, “It serves the plot... Now you must destroy Voyager. You can use the computer in your office to cause the warp core to explode!”
The Doctor says, “What?? Since when can my computer destroy the warp core?”
Barclay answers, “Enough with the questions already! This is a Holodeck meltdown, and logic does not apply. Now just destroy the ship already!”
The Doctor approaches his computer. Suddenly he hears a voice saying, “Doctor... Doctor!! This is Lt. Torres!! You must not destroy the warp core... If you do, your program will be lost forever and ever!”
The Doctor says, “Why is that? No, don’t tell me... It serves the plot...”
Barclay says, “Doctor! Don’t listen to her. That Klingon female has poisoned your thoughts for far too long. I’m not the only one who thinks that way. So does.... Captain Picard!”
Torres says, “Don’t believe him, Doctor! Barclay is a freak! He has no friends. He wets the bed!”
The Doctor frets, “I don’t know who to believe. My time is running out! And no Seven of Nine for two more years... Woe is me!!”
Back in the real world...
Noonan continues to hold Janeway, Paris, Neelix and Harry hostage. Noonan calls Chakotay again, “Commander!! I told you I want to see J. Edgar Hoover... Now!!”
Suddenly... A man beams down to the corridor and approaches Noonan and says, “Never fear, Mr. Noonan. I am J. Edgar Hoover. I am here now. You can let the hostages go.”
Noonan is a little confused and says, “Hmmmm... I don’t remember J. Edgar Hoover being black... or with pointed ears...”
The man replies, “Indeed.” And with that, the man punches Noonan out cold.
Janeway says, “Tuvok! Well done! You’ve saved the day! Your impression of J. Edgar Hoover is absolutely uncanny!!”
Tuvok replies, “Indeed.”
Amelia approaches Janeway and says, “Captain. Please forgive Noonan here. I would really like to see your starship. You’ve always been a hero of mine, Captain. If it wasn’t for you, I never would have started flying planes!”
Janeway grumbles, “Damn those temporal paradoxes...”
A little while later, Janeway gives Amelia a tour of the ship. As they approach Sickbay they find Lt. Torres outside Sickbay screaming to the door, “I’m telling you, Doctor. Don’t believe Mr. Barclay! He’s a little mama’s boy. Still sleeps with a night-light!”
Janeway says, “Hey, Torres! What’s going on?”
Torres replies, “Same old, same old. Holographic malfunctions. I realize they constitute 47% of our storylines... But sometimes they are just irritating!”
Amelia says, “Stand aside. Let me handle this.” Amelia walks up to the door and knocks and says, “Doctor... Doctor... Open the door. It’s Amelia Earhart!”
Barclay says, “Amelia Earhart, who is she?”
The Doctor says, “I don’t know. I never heard of her. Which proves you are lying about Voyager being a simulation! Because how could I make an Amelia Earhart simulation if I never heard of Amelia Earhart??”
Barclay replies, “Hey, you’ve got a point. I’m sorry to have bothered you. If you’ll excuse me I have to go meet with..... Captain Picard!!” And with that, Barclay vanishes.
The doors open and Janeway, Torres and Amelia rush in. Janeway says, “Doctor, you say you never heard of Amelia Earhart? I thought she was a part of your database?”
The Doctor says, “Nope. Never heard of her...”
Janeway grumbles, “Damn those temporal paradoxes...”
Hours later, it’s time for Voyager to leave this new planet. Janeway says, “Oh Amelia, you must stay on Voyager. Become a part of this crew!”
Amelia replies, “I’m afraid not, Captain. You are just far too controlling.”
Janeway says, “Controlling?? What are you talking about?”
At that moment, Mr. Kim walks by and says, “Captain, Torres says we are ready to go now, Ma’am.”
Janeway punches Harry in the mouth and says, “For the 100th time... It’s not crunch time, Mr. Kim!” Janeway then turns to Amelia and says, “Are you sure you won’t stay?”
Amelia says, “Uh, yeah. Pretty damn sure. I hope you guys make it home and all that stuff. I’ll give your regards to Mr. Noonan...”
Janeway says, “Please do that. If it wasn’t for him... I never would have joined Starfleet...”
And thus concludes Janeway’s second therapy session...