Janeway’s Therapy, Chapter 3: “The Twisted Elogium”
Written by Tim Mohr, aka “Cureboy”
Published September 9, 2000
The quadrant’s most celebrated Borg psychiatrist, Sigmund of Freud, awaits Captain Janeway’s arrival for today’s therapy session. Janeway finally walks into the office. She looks concerned. Freud asks, “What’s wrong, Captain?”
Janeway replies, “Well, I was just looking at the sign out your door. Does it say ‘Dr. Freud, Therapist’? ...Or does it say ‘Dr. Freud, The Rapist?”
Freud replies, “It’s ‘Therapist,’ my dear. Otherwise there would have been a space in the word. Now, let’s begin our therapy session.”
Freud pulls out a sledgehammer and konks Janeway over the head with it to induce hypnosis. Janeway begins flashing back to one of her early missions on Voyager...
It was a dark and stormy night... Kes wanders out of her quarters and makes her way down to the mess hall. Kes enters the mess hall and finds it quite clean. She wonders why they call it the mess hall. She then proceeds to the refrigerator and pulls out some slabs of raw meat and starts eating them.
Neelix enters the mess hall and sees Kes inhaling a startling amount of raw meat. Neelix says, “Damn, Kes! What do you think this is, Rosemary’s Baby?”
Kes turns to Neelix and says, “I was hungry. I was hoping for a little salmonella poisoning.”
Neelix responds, “Kes, my love. You know Sunday is always salmonella day!”
Kes gains her composure, after she wipes the blood from her mouth, and says, “I know. I’m so sorry Neelix. I’m just on edge. I’m turning 2 today and I’ve done nothing with my life!”
Neelix responds, “That’s not true, Dearest. You’ve been my girlfriend!”
Kes then says, “Let me rephrase. I’ve done nothing intelligent with my life!”
Suddenly, Janeway’s voice booms over the intercom, “Red Alert! All hands to battlestations!”
Neelix turns to Kes and says, “Uh-oh! Red Alert! I gotta run, Kes.”
Kes says, “I know... I’ve got to run too!” Kes pauses for a moment and turns to Neelix and says, “Wait! We don’t have battlestations, do we? So why must we rush?”
Neelix responds, “It’s so much more dramatic this way...”
A short while later Neelix arrives on Voyager’s Bridge. Janeway turns to Neelix and says, “Report!”
Neelix panics, “Report what? I just got here!”
Janeway rolls her eyes and says, “Don’t take that tone with me... Dismissed!! That’s a Starfleet expression. It means if you don’t get your pedantic idiotic self out of my face I’m going to replicate a jackhammer, strap you into a chair, and play dentist on you!”
Tuvok interrupts, “Captain, if I may interrupt your pre-menstrual syndrome, I’ve run an analysis on the anamoly.”
Janeway says, “That’s my boy, Tuvok! Report!”
Tuvok explains, “Its’ some sort of spatial displacement wave. It uses anti-polaric discharges to create an isometric inverted tetryon graviton pulse.”
Janeway screams, “In English!!”
Tuvok says, “Sorry Captain. It’s a big twisty anomaly. It will twist the ship into a labyrinth of mazes.”
Janeway says, “Zoinks! We can’t let that happen. Get us out of here... Warp nine!”
Paris replies, “I’m afraid not, Captain. The anomaly has distorted subspace with a metreon spatial discharge which allows the anomaly to create a dimensional envelope in order to...”
Janeway barks, “In English!!”
At that moment, Ensign Vorik enters the Bridge. He turns to Janeway and says, “Buenos días, Captain.”
Janeway turns to Vorik and screams, “In English!!!”
Paris interrupts, “Like I was trying to say, Captain. The big twisty anomaly has surrounded us.”
Janeway says, “My God! Go to Red Alert!”
Chakotay says, “We are already at Red Alert... Do you want us to go to Yellow Alert so that we can upgrade to Red Alert again?”
Janeway says, “Oh, grow up Chakotay! That is so immature! We need to go to Big Fat Red Alert!!”
Meanwhile... In Sickbay...
Kes enters Sickbay, picks up a medical tricorder, and tries to eat it. The Doctor comes up to her and says, “Kes!! What are you doing?”
Kes replies, “I’m hungry. You told me I should try to get more iron into my diet.”
The Doctor says, “Hmmmm.... Strange. Let me run a test on you.”
The Doctor runs some scans and says, “My God... I can’t believe it!!”
Kes panics, “What is it, Doctor?? What’s wrong?!”
The Doctor replies, “I’m sorry. I can’t tell you. Doctor/Patient confidentiality forbids me.”
Kes says, “I am the patient!”
The Doctor responds, “True. Good point. It seems that the anomaly we’re entering is speeding up your reproductive process. You have entered... The Elogium.” (Insert loud claps of Ocampa thunder.)
Kes says, “Whoa! That means I can get pregnant. Even though I’m on the pill?”
The Doctor replies, “I’m afraid so. And according to my scans, you have 47 hours to get pregnant... Or else you’ll turn into a wrinkled old hag and nobody will want to touch you.”
Kes says, “You mean... I’ll turn into Captain Janeway???!!! ...AAAAAAAAAAH!!”
Back on the Bridge...
Mr. Kim says, “Captain! The anomaly has already begun twisting Voyager. It’s combining the decks. It’s quite odd!”
Janeway says, “Hmmmmm... Mr. Kim, come with me to the ready room and we’ll investigate it.”
Janeway and Kim enter the ready room... But suddenly they look around and they realize that are in a dark room, with a big round bed, and hundreds of candles lit.
Janeway says, “Whoa! I recognize this. It’s Tom’s Seduction holonovel. The anomaly... It must have twisted my ready room into the Holodeck!”
Kim grins and says, “Oh please, Kathryn. Enough with the silly games. You’ve been trying to get me in the sack for months... And now you’ve finally found a way!”
Janeway laughs in Kim’s face and says, “I don’t think so, Harry. I may not be the prettiest woman around, but even I am allowed to have standards...”
Suddenly, Janeway is pulled into one of the spatial distortions, and it knocks her unconscious.
Back on the Bridge...
The Doctor pages Mr. Neelix and says, “Mr. Neelix. You are needed in Sickbay at once! Please report for baby-making duty!”
Mr. Paris is shocked, “They’re going to let Mr. Neelix reproduce... Deliberately??”
Mr. Neelix rushes into the turbolift. But when he exits, he finds himself in Main Engineering. Lt. Torres approaches Neelix and says, “Well, what are you doing here?”
Neelix says, “I am supposed to impregnate somebody.”
Torres replies, “Ewww! Well, don’t look at me. I have no intentions of having children... Or getting married, for that matter. It would totally ruin my character!”
Neelix leaves again... Hoping to find Sickbay. Torres also leaves Engineering and she finds herself in Janeway’s ready room. Torres says, “Damn!! How’d I end up here? Well, since I’m here I might as well look through her stuff...”
Suddenly, a naked security officer enters Janeway’s ready room. Torres is embarrassed. She says to him, “Oh my. I’m so sorry. I had no idea you and Captain Janeway were an item.”
Suddenly, a female naked security officer enters Janeway’s ready room. Torres is flabbergasted. She mutters under her breath, “Captain... You kinky little devil...”
Meanwhile... In Sickbay...
Neelix finally finds his way to Sickbay. The Doctor pulls Neelix aside and says, “Okay, Neelix. We need to get Kes pregnant... Now! And you are her only help! Will you do it?”
Neelix responds, “Okay... For the good of the crew.”
Neelix then embraces Kes and they move over to one of the biobeds. Neelix turns to the Doctor and says, “Do you mind?? This isn’t a peep show!”
The Doctor replies, “I am a Doctor. I have to witness this to make sure everything goes right medically.”
Neelix then says, “Oh yeah... Then why are you holding the Polaroid Camera??”
Meanwhile... In the mess hall...
The rest of the crew has been reunited: Torres, Paris, Chakotay, Tuvok, Kim and an unconscious Janeway. Chakotay frets, “What do you think we should do? In another 47 minutes, the anomaly will have engulfed us all! We must do something!”
Tuvok says, “Logic would suggest that we do nothing. Logic suggests that we sit here and pick our noses and wait for the thing to engulf us. Logic would suggest...”
Suddenly, Janeway sits up and starts speaking in gibberish, “Smultreavulu. Liwdewohf. Sprlesh a rababa blahuna huna!”
The crew stares at Janeway. Chakotay turns to Tuvok and says, “Man, this is really sad. An alcoholic as our captain. Tsk... Tsk... Tsk...”
Meanwhile... Back in Sickbay...
Kes and Neelix remove their clothes. Getting ready to go baby-making mode. Suddenly the distorting anomaly enters Sickbay. Kes suddenly finds herself in Harry’s bed... Then Tuvok’s bed... Then Tom’s bed... Even Vorik’s bed. Finally she returns to Sickbay. Neelix says, “Dearest... What happened to you?”
Kes says, “I don’t know... It was weird! First I was in Harry’s bed... Then Tuvok’s... Then Tom’s... And then Vorik’s. I mean, if today were Tuesday I wouldn’t be concerned because that’s usually how I spend my Tuesday evenings. But today is Thursday!”
The Doctor says, “Hmmmm... I better get you a Penicillin hypospray.” But at that moment, both Kes and Neelix are engulfed by the anomaly. They find their naked selves in the mess hall with the rest of the crew.
The crew stares at Kes and Neelix. Kes says, “I can explain! You see, I must get pregnant right now or else I’ll never be able to have children!”
Chakotay says, “Hey, Kes. No need to explain. Just go about your business. You won’t even know we are here...”
And the spatial anomaly slowly approaches the mess hall in order to engulf them all. Janeway suddenly sits up again and she says, “Mammnnarghaassstmm!!”
Tuvok rolls his eyes, “There she goes again. Anybody have any clue what she’s saying?”
Chakotay thinks quickly, “Oh yes. I do understand that language. Let me translate... She was saying, ‘Please shoot me. Shoot me dead. Chakotay should really be the Captain. Not me...’”
The Doctor suddenly appears in the mess hall also. He says, “Please state the state that became our 49th state.”
Torres answers, “Alaska!”
The Doctor then says, “Very good! Now state the nature of the medical emergency.”
Chakotay says, “It’s the Captain! She wants to die with dignity. We need you to do a mercy killing on her.”
The Doctor says, “Are you crazy? I can’t do that... It’s against my programming!!”
Chakotay then says, “Well, I thought you were considering Dr. Kevorkian as a potential name?”
Finally... The anomaly engulfs the mess hall. The entire crew joins the distorted realm. Moments later, they all awaken. And find themselves back on the Bridge. Chakotay says, “Whoa! I don’t understand. What happened?”
Janeway says, “Sheesh!! Didn’t you hear what I was saying. The anomaly meant us no harm! I was telling you people that the anamoly simply likes to twist ships around as a form of contact.”
Chakotay says, “These people never heard of the telephone?”
The Doctor says, “And was that all you were saying, Captain?”
Janeway says, “Yeah. Well, that and the fact that I should be killed in order to let Chakotay be the captain. But, too late now...”
Chakotay growls. Mr. Tuvok then says, “Captain... Voyager has lost its sex appeal!”
Janeway says, “Bummer. But its not hard to believe. I’ve always thought that the Equinox was a much sexier ship...”
Chakotay mutters under his breath, “You need to date more, Janeway.”
Hours later... In Sickbay...
The Doctor sits Kes and Neelix down and says, “Well. It looks like the baby emergency has passed. Now that we’ve escaped the anamoly, Kes still has the chance to get pregnant whenever she wants to. It doesn’t need to happen today.”
Neelix then says, “Oh man! I was really looking forward to this. Kes is an extremely beautiful woman.”
The Doctor says with disgust, “You are sick! She’s only two years old!”
Neelix says, “Well, she told me she was 18!” With that, Neelix leaves.
Kes turns to the Doctor and says, “Were you telling the truth about that? That I don’t need to get pregnant right away?”
The Doctor says, “Actually, I was lying. The possibility of you having children is gone now. If you had slept with Neelix, then there might still be a chance. But then I saw him naked... And I just couldn’t do that to you, Kes...”
Kes says, “Thank you! You the man! High-Five!!”
Thus concludes Janeway’s latest trip down concussion-based memory lane...