Now that I’ve lost some of the paranoia... I’ve decided to journey once more into the sickness that is my imagination...
Captain Kathryn Janeway enters the office of the notorious Borg Therapist, Sigmund of Freud. Janeway says, “Dr. Freud! Where the hell have you been? I’ve been here every day for three months for our therapy... And you were never here!!”
Freud shamefully says, “I’m afraid I was disbarred for a while. Apparently, it’s unethical for me to undress my patients while they are under hypnosis.”
Janeway says, “What prudes! Anyway, I think it’s time I fill you in on another one of my memorable missions of the Delta Quadrant.”
Freud says, “Just a moment.” He quickly puts on a pair of headphones and plugs in his CD player. He then continues, “Okay... Go ahead!”
“Captain’s Log: Stardate: Middle of the 4th season. I’m beginning to regret my recent decision to cut my hair. I miss the bun. And I think the rest of the crew misses the bun, too. It was only a few days ago that I overheard Tuvok saying, ‘Boy, would I like to get my hands on Janeway’s buns.’ But anyway, we recently sent the Doctor to the Prometheus in the Alpha Quadrant. And now he’s back. And I smell Hirogen...”
Janeway’s log entry is interrupted when she hears Ensign Kim saying, “Computer: Locate Captain Janeway.” The computer replies, “Captain Janeway is right in front of you... Idiot.”
Kim says, “Oh...”
Janeway then says, “What do you want, Mr. Kim?” Kim replies, “I have detected some incoming transmissions. They have a Starfleet signature!” Chakotay chimes in, “I have three autographed pictures of the Beatles in my quarters. They have a Ringo Starr signature!” Janeway gives Chakotay the finger, then turns to Mr. Kim and says, “Can you download the transmissions into our database?”
Kim says, “Yes. Yes, I can.”
Janeway stares at Mr. Kim for about 5 minutes. Then she finally says, “Well... Do it!!”
Kim replies, “Oh. Well... they’re coming by way of the Hirogen relay network. Some of the transmissions are distorted.”
The brilliant B’Elanna Torres interrupts, “Captain! If we board one of the relay stations, we may be able to download the messages more clearly!”
Janeway says, “Very good! Mr. Paris, set a course for the nearest relay station... Maximum warp!”
Paris laments, “How come nobody ever asks for minimum warp?”
A few minutes later... Voyager arrives at the relay station...
Mr. Kim quickly downloads a few of the messages from Earth. One of them is for Commander Chakotay. Chakotay says, “It’s from the woman who recruited me into the Maquis!” Chakotay begins to read the letter:
Bad news. The Maquis have slobbered. All of them are...
Chakotay says, “Wait!! I should probably read this with my glasses on...” Chakotay tries again:
Bad news. The Maquis have been slaughtered. All of them are dead. Dead! They were tortured and mutilated by aliens from the Gamma Quadrant. The aliens were mean about it, too! They would chop off the hands of our people and use them for a puppet show. So they are all dead. The Maquis rebellion is over. We have lost everything. It was the most violent massacre in the history of our Quadrant. I will never forget the horror of it all. So anyway, how have you been?
The woman who recruited you into the Maquis
Lt. Torres is also downloading some of the messages in the astrometrics lab. She excitedly pages Mr. Kim and says, “Harry! Hurry Harry! Hurry! I’ve downloaded a message for you!”
Kim tears up, “I’ll bet it’s from my folks...” And Mr. Kim rushes down to Astrometrics.
Kim arrives and says, “Okay, where’s my message?”
Torres gives it to him and says, “This must be one of the happiest days of your life!” Kim reads the message: “You may have already won ten million dollars!!”
Kim says, “Hot damn!!”
Just then, Chakotay shows up and says, “Harry. I must speak to B’Elanna alone. So go play in traffic or something.”
Torres asks, “What’s wrong?”
Chakotay replies, “I got a message from the woman who recruited me into the Maquis. It’s horrible, B’Elanna. Just horrible!! All of our Maquis friends have been slaughtered!!”
Torres looks confused, “The Maquis?... Sounds familiar.... Um....”
Chakotay says, “We used to be Maquis, remember?? Back in the first season.”
Torres replies, “Oh yeah! Slaughtered, huh? Bummer...”
Meanwhile... on the Bridge...
Janeway is nervous, wondering if a message will be arriving for her. Suddenly, the doorbell rings. Janeway says, “What the hell?” Tuvok answers, “It sounds like the doorbell. Maybe somebody is at the front door.” Janeway says, “What??? A front door?? This is a starship! Oh well, where’s the front door?” Tuvok replies, “In the front... idiot.”
Janeway arrives at the front door and opens it. There stands an alien from Species 8472... Looking sad and pitiful. Janeway looks at him and says, “Sorry. Gave at the office.”
The 8472 says, “No! You don’t understand! I seek refuge aboard your starship. The Hirogen are out to kill me!” Janeway rolls her eyes and says, “Fine. I guess you can stay with us for a while. But don’t steal anything.”
Suddenly... A Hirogen warship jumps out of warp and arrives at the relay station. Mr. Tuvok says, “They are hailing us!”
The Hirogen appears on screen and says, “Starship Voyager? I am the Alpha Hirogen.” Janeway is impressed, “Really?? Wow! This is quite an honor! I am humbled by your presence.” Alpha Hirogen replies, “What are you talking about?” Janeway answers, “I’m talking about you... Mr. Alpha Hirogen. We named a whole Quadrant after you!!”
The Alpha says, “Enough! I see you have one of the 8472 on board your ship. You will allow me to beam aboard and hunt it down!”
Janeway shakes her head and says, “Sorry. No can do...”
The Alpha says, “We will help you download all the messages from Starfleet if you do.”
Janeway is stern, “I don’t think so! Pedantic drone! I am not about to sacrifice an alien lifeform just so we can get a few letters from home!”
The Alpha says, “Really? Because I’ve got one right here for you, Captain. It’s from somebody named Mark.”
Janeway then says, “Bridge to Transporter Room Two. Beam the Hirogen hunting party aboard!!”
So the Hirogen beam aboard Voyager to find the 8472. Janeway quickly gets her hands on her message and reads it:
I was so very thrilled to hear that you are still alive. Unfortunately, I really thought you were dead. I held out hope as long as I possibly could. But then I just knew I’d never see you again. So I went on with my life. Two days after you disappeared, I married a woman I work with. You might think that sounds very sudden. But actually, I had been having an affair with her for a number of years while we were engaged. No hard feelings?
Oh God!! I just remembered something! Four years ago you asked me to take care of your dog for you! I completely forgot!! Well, I will stop by on my way home from work tomorrow. I’m sure they’re just fine.
But I’m afraid I have to let you go for now. My new wife wants to have sex with me.
Take care of yourself,
Janeway says to herself, “I’m not bitter.” And proceeds to her ready room where she breaks every object in the room.
Meanwhile... The hunt for 8472 continues...
The Hirogen close in on the 8472 alien. Janeway suddenly shows up and says, “I’ve had a change of heart! I want you off this ship immediately!”
The Alpha Hirogen replies, “Get a clue, Janeway. We aren’t going anywhere until we kill this alien!” Janeway says, “What if I give you some holograms?” The Alpha says, “Well, that does sweeten the pot... But no deal!!” Janeway says, “Okay. Fine! Janeway to Transporter Room Two, beam the Hirogen back to their ship at once!”
A voice replies, “Captain! You do realize we have two transporter rooms! How come I have to do everything??”
Janeway growls, “Just do it!!”
With that, the Hirogen are beamed back to their ship. Janeway pages Mr. Paris and says, “Get us out of here, warp one!”
Paris says, “Yes Ma’am! I wonder... Maybe warp one is minimum warp... Hmmmmm...”
Suddenly the Hirogen fire weapons at Voyager. Seven of Nine shows up and says, “Captain. The Hirogen won’t leave without the 8472 alien. You must beam the 8472 to the Hirogen ship. It’s our only chance for survival!”
Janeway says, “No way!! I won’t sacrifice a life in such a manner!!”
At that moment, Seven gets a devious look on her face and begins eying the transporter controls. However, before she is able to do anything, Janeway rushes to the controls and beams the 8472 to the Hirogen ship. With that, Voyager jumps to warp and escapes!
A short time later...
Tuvok sits Janeway down and says, “Why did you do that? Why did you sacrifice that 8472?”
Janeway replies, “I wasn’t going to. But then I realized that Seven was going to do it anyway. And I’m sick and tired of her getting all the good stories, so I did it myself!”
Tuvok replies, “Indeed...”
Meanwhile... Torres pages Mr. Paris to Astrometrics. Torres says, “I was able to download one last message. It’s for you, Tom. It’s from something called Owen.”
Paris says, “Owen? That’s my father, Owen Paris.”
Torres says, “Wait. I’m looking at the whole message now. It’s from the Owen Brothers Video Store. Apparently, you rented Dirty Dancing the day before leaving for Voyager. And you haven’t returned it yet. Looks like you owe about $4,700 in late fees...”
Paris says, “Ouch!”
Always willing to lend a hand, Mr. Kim shows up and says, “Don’t worry, Tom. I may have already won ten million dollars! And since you’re my best friend, I may have already loaned you $4700...”
Torres says, “What a guy! Group hug!”
And the therapy concludes once more... And the world heaves a collective sigh of relief...