Janeway’s Therapy, Chapter 12: “The Killing Game of Scrabble”
Written by Tim Mohr, aka “Cureboy”
Published December 31, 2000
Captain Kathryn Janeway enters the office of her trusted therapist, Sigmund of Freud. Just as she enters, Dr. Freud slips on the wet floor and falls on his face! Janeway rushes over, “My goodness! Are you okay?” Dr. Freud replies, “Of course. I did that on purpose. I call it the Freudian slip... A ha ha ha ha ha ha ha... Woo hoo! A ha ha haaaaah!”
Janeway just stares at Freud.
Freud finally says, “Sorry, that was lame. This week’s therapy is on the house.”
And Janeway spins another yarn about the Delta Quadrant...
“Captain’s Log: Still in the middle of the 4th Season. And we’re still in the middle of Hirogen territory. I get all warm and fuzzy when we give the fans their story arcs...”
Suddenly, a couple of thousand Hirogen ships drop out of warp and surround Voyager. Janeway shouts, “Red alert!! Mr. Kim, approximately how many Hirogen ships are we looking at?” Kim quickly replies, “3,047!” Janeway is impressed, “You are a pretty quick counter, Mr. Kim. Much better than Chakotay, here. He has to get naked in order to count to 21!”
Tuvok says, “Captain! The Hirogen are beaming aboard!” Janeway shouts, “No! They can’t do that! Don’t they need a warrant or something?” Tuvok replies, “Not when we’re outnumbered 3,047 to 1...”
Chakotay looks at his tactical display and says, “Captain! The Hirogen are on Decks 3 through 15. They are giving the crew implants to make them think they are holographic characters!”
Janeway says, “What are you, Chakotay? The psychic friends network?”
The next thing Janeway knows, she’s dressed up like a Klingon. She catches a glimpse of herself in the mirror and says, “Oh my. I really need to think about some Mary Kay. Oh wait... I’m a Klingon!”
Two Hirogen hunters are about to attack Klingon-Janeway. Luckily, Klingon-Janeway took some self-defense classes at the YMCA. She knocks one of the Hirogen unconscious, and kicks the other one in his... Shall we say, Hirogen churchbells.
Klingon-Janeway rips off the Klingon disguise and escapes Holodeck One and proceeds to Holodeck Two. She enters and finds Hirogen Nazis. Janeway realizes she’s in a World War II simulation. Over on the wall, there’s a big portrait of a scary looking man. Janeway says, “That man... It must be Hitler! How funny, he looks just like Brannon Braga...”
Janeway eludes the Hirogen Nazis and makes her way to a French bar. She enters the bar where she sees Seven of Nine on stage singing, “I miss the kiss of treachery. The shameless kiss of vanity. My mouth and eyes and heart all bleed. And run in thickening streams of greed...”
Janeway thinks to herself, “The Hirogen programmed Seven of Nine to sing Cure songs. How very cool!! I think I might like this whole World War II thing...” Then Janeway sees the rest of her officers.
It seems Tuvok is the owner of the bar. The Doctor is working as a bartender. Janeway approaches them all. The Doctor says, “Hello, my dear. Can I fix you a drink?” Janeway replies, “You’re a doctor... Not a bartender!” The Doctor turns to Tuvok and says, “Then I think I deserve a raise!”
Janeway says, “Cripes! You people think you’re a part of this simulation! I need to snap you out of it. Hand me that brick. No, no, no. The really really big brick!”
Janeway takes the really really big brick and smacks her officers in the mouth with it. They all snap out of their illusion. Paris says, “That’s okay, Captain. I didn’t need those teeth anyway...”
Paris turns to Torres and sees that she’s obviously very pregnant. Paris says, “My God, B’Elanna! Why didn’t you tell me? You said you never forget to take the pill!!!” Torres tries to cover, “Um... I’m sure the pregnancy is just a holograpic illusion... heh heh...”
Janeway says, “Never mind that right now! We have to get out of the Holodeck and take back our ship!”
Chakotay says, “But how?? How???”
Janeway says, “Watch and learn. Computer: End program and open the holodeck doors.”
The program ends and the holodeck doors open. Chakotay stands in awe, “Wow. Amazing!”
Janeway and her crew rush into the halls and come face to face with four Hirogen hunters! Janeway says, “I have come to stop the violence. I am Captain Janeway. And this is my crew.”
One of the Hirogen introduces himself and his officers, “I am Alpha Hirogen. This is Beta. This is Delta. And this one is Ralph. We ran out of Greek letters.”
Janeway says, “I demand you leave this ship at once! There can never be a victor in this battle! We will both suffer severe crew casualities. And my ship will be extremely damaged. And it’s doubtful we could ever repair such awful damage.” Chakotay interrupts, “Captain. You know very well the repair time will be about 15 minutes!” Janeway shouts, “Shut up, Chakotay!”
The Alpha says, “Very well. Do you know of a more peaceful way of to settle our dispute?”
Janeway says, “Do I ever! Meet me in the mess hall, I’ll get the Scrabble board!”
A short time later, the game begins. The very safety of the starship Voyager hinges on double word scores...
The Alpha examines his tiles and spells out the word “Maquis.” Chakotay looks at it and scoffs, “Ha! I challenge that word! I never heard of it...” Torres quickly whispers into Chakotay’s ear. Chakotay says, “Oh God, you’re right. I forgot! Never mind...”
Janeway examines her tiles and spells out the word “Quaftimx.” Janeway says, “Ha! Triple word score... 80 points to me!” The Alpha says, “‘Quaftimx’?? There is no such word. I challenge that word!” Janeway looks scornful, “I don’t respond well to challenges...”
The Alpha says, “I don’t care. There is no such word as ‘quaftimx’! Use it in a sentence!”
Janeway takes a big breath and says, “Okay. When the starship was threatened by chronoton torpedoes, the captain ordered the phasers set to a modulating frequency and told her tactical officer to target the enemy’s secondary quaftimx propulsion manifold!”
The Alpha says, “Technobabble? Very well played!”
The Beta takes his turn. He spells out the word “Naked.” He then says, “I’d be very happy to use it in a sentence: The Beta Hirogen offered $500 to Seven of Nine if he could see her naked.”
Then it’s Chakotay’s turn. He looks at his tiles. He looks at the board. He then spells out the word “kat.” He then says, “My sentence: The kat was brown and said meow.”
Janeway grimaces. Her team gets a 50 point pedantic drone penalty.
The game progresses. Eventually they reach the final moments. The score is tied. The Hirogen team only has one tile left. Janeway’s team still has six tiles left. And it’s Seven’s turn to make a word. She places her tiles down and spells the word “Ktyvowwa.” The Hirogen team is skeptical.
Seven of Nine says, “I assure you. It’s a word. Species 4747: The Ktyvowwa. If you don’t believe me, I can bring the Borg Collective here and you can ask them...”
The Alpha says, “No! No! It’s okay! No Borg! Damn! It looks like we’re finished!”
Ralph Hirogen then says, “Not so fast! I still get my turn!” Ralph Hirogen places his one tile down... The letter “S". Right at the end of Seven’s word. Making it “Ktyvowwas.” Seven panics, “There is no such word as that... Anymore. It’s called a wizzer word. It’s only good once a game!” The Alpha says, “I don’t think so, Seven. You have lost! We have won! Voyager is ours!”
Janeway says, “Come on. How about best two out of three?”
The Alpha says, “No dice, Janeway! Your ship and crew are mine!”
Janeway says, “How about some holograms? We’ll give you some holograms...”
The Alpha says, “Never!!”
Janeway then says, “Okay. I guess we’re your eternal slaves. Don’t worry, you’ll always be entertained on Voyager. My first officer has a way with parables!”
Chakotay excitedly says, “That’s right! It reminds me when I was a young boy. My father told me a parable about a vulture, a turtle, a maggot and a donkey. The vulture lived in the magical sky world where there was a sad crocodile. One day the crocodile approached his friend, the woodpecker. And he said...”
The Alpha says, “Noooo! We’ll take the holograms. Please! Just lead us to the transporter room! For God’s sakes... Make him stop!”
Janeway taunts them, “Can we interest you in a brand new ‘quaftimx’?”
The Alpha says, “No!” And they beam away.
Seven says to Janeway, “This Scrabble idea of yours was quite impressive.”
Janeway smiles proudly and says, “Oh, you see, Seven. Scrabble is a part of your humanity. By embracing Scrabble, you are slowly beginning to embrace your own humanity. Sounds like you’ve come a long way, Seven. I must say I am proud to be the one to...”
Seven interrupts, “Give it a rest already! It’s a board game! It’s not like you just parted the Red Sea!”
And therapy time is over...