Janeway’s Therapy, Chapter 15: “Someone to Watch Over My Coda”
Written by Tim Mohr, aka “Cureboy”
Published January 18, 2001
This is what happens when Cureboy doesn’t have enough to do at work...
Captain Kathryn Janeway arrives to the office of the often-arrested Borg therapist, Sigmund of Freud.
Dr. Freud says, “Kathryn. I’ve been reviewing your file. It says here you were once charged with several counts of insurance fraud!” Janeway says, “Ah yes. The whole ‘Coda’ affair. You see, I died a number of times in that episode. And my insurance company paid the benefits multiple times...” Freud then says, “You kept coming back from the dead. I didn’t realize this was daytime television. Well, why don’t you tell me the whole story...”
Janeway says, “Well, Doctor. It’s a story of a man named Brady. He was busy with three boys of his own...”
Freud says, “Kinky!!”
Janeway says, “Wait. That’s not right! Now I remember...”
“Captain’s Log: A mish-mash of season three and season five. Damn those temporal incursions! Chakotay and I have decided to go on an away mission. That’s right. The First Officer and the Captain are going on an away mission, leaving nobody with any real command experience on Voyager. Doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, does it?”
Chakotay asks Janeway, “So what was your favorite part of Talent Night?” Janeway replies, “Well, it certainly wasn’t the Harry Kim Strip Tease!!” Chakotay agrees, “No doubt!” Janeway says, “Hmmmm... I think my favorite part was Tuvok’s circus act.” Chakotay says, “That’s what I thought! Especially when Tuvok threw knives at Neelix!” Janeway says, “That was a hoot! And the good news is Neelix only needed 47 stitches!”
Suddenly, the shuttlecraft starts to shake violently! Chakotay says, “Captain! The shuttlecraft is violently shaking! Did you activate the spin cycle?” A very green colored Janeway replies, “No! I don’t know what it is. Oh god. I really should have taken some Dramamine...” With that, Janeway vomits. Chakotay says, “Eww! What’s next? Your head going to start spinning around?”
Janeway says, “I’m okay. But there are two Vidiian ships headed right for us!” Chakotay says, “The Vidiians!! My God! What are the Vidiians doing in this part of space? Especially on a school night?” Janeway slaps Chakotay and says, “Chakotay! I always doubted we’d seen the last of them, remember???” Chakotay says, “Oh, yeah...” The Vidiians open fire on the shuttlecraft. Chakotay says, “Captain, they’ve hit our warp core. We’re going to have a breach!”
Suddenly... ZAP WHAP! And we return to a previous moment in time...
Janeway says, “That was a hoot! And the good news is Neelix only needed 47 stitches!”
Suddenly, the shuttlecraft starts to shake violently! Chakotay says, “Captain! The shuttlecraft is violently shaking. Did you activate the spin cycle?” A very green colored Janeway replies, “No! I don’t know what it is. Oh god. I really should have taken some Dramamine...” With that, Janeway vomits. Chakotay says, “Eww! Wait... Wait a minute! I seem to remember you vomiting once before!
Janeway says, “I know! We’ve already done this bit! Do you realize what this means??” Chakotay replies, “You have Bulimia?” Janeway says, “No, you idiot! I think we’re trapped in some sort of repeating time loop!!”
Chakotay says, “Oh yeah! I saw this episode! Just keep an eye out for Frasier Crane’s starship!”
With that, the shuttlecraft spins out of control and starts to crash land on a nearby planet.
Meanwhile... On Voyager...
Seven of Nine approaches the Doctor and says, “Doctor. I need your help. I’ve decided to start dating.” The Doctor beams and says, “Why I’d be honored! Where would you like to go on our date?” Seven replies, “You?? Oh please, Doctor. Get a clue. But I will need your help in the customs of dating.”
The Doctor sighs and says, “Very well. Let’s begin with lesson number one: Getting the man to pay for the whole meal...”
A short time later...
The Doctor says, “Good work, Seven. I think you’ve mastered lesson one.”
Seven replies, “Yes. It’s quite simple. I just giggle a lot and promise to perform sexual favors and the man will pick up the check.”
The Doctor says, “Exactly! Which brings us to lesson number two: Putting out on the first date...”
Meanwhile... on the alien world...
Chakotay and Janeway’s shuttle crashes and Janeway is very seriously wounded. Chakotay drags her outside and discovers Janeway’s heart has stopped beating. Chakotay panics, “Oh no! Don’t do this to me, Kathryn. Not yet! You can’t die! Not until you give me your Turkey recipe!”
Chakotay tries CPR, but it’s not working. Chakotay laments, “It’s not working! I need some of those jumper cables like they use on ER. Wait! I’ve got a better idea. I’ll try mouth-to-mouth!”
Janeway’s eyes miraculously open up and she shouts, “Aaaah! No! It’s okay! No mouth-to-mouth needed. I’ll be fine! The very idea of your mouth near my body made me panic-stricken and woke me from beyond the grave!”
Chakotay proudly says, “I’m so glad I could help!”
Then Janeway says, “Chakotay! My God! There are several Vidiians converging on our location!” Chakotay says, “Um... Is that bad? Because I’m not quite sure what converging means...”
Suddenly, two Vidiians pop out of nowhere. One of them grabs Janeway and says, “You’re gonna get it, Captain... Vidiian cooties!”
Janeway shrieks, “Aaaaaaaaaaah!!”
Luckily, Chakotay finds his phaser and shoots the Vidiians. Janeway says, “Good show, old man!”
Chakotay then says, “Captain! According to the tricorder, Voyager has arrived in orbit of this planet!” Janeway says, “Thank God! Rescued at last! Janeway to Voyager, can you hear me?”
Tuvok replies, “Unfortuntely, I can. I guess I have to beam you both back to Voyager. Damn! I was this close to making Captain. You need to quit raising my hopes up with these near death experiences.”
Chakotay and Janeway are beamed aboard Coda-Voyager. Janeway says, “Okay Tuvok, I want to run several scans of the region. I want to know where the time loop came from.”
Chakotay says, “Janeway, you crack-head! What time loop are you referring to?”
Janeway replies, “Don’t you remember? We kept ending up back in the shuttlecraft talking about Talent Night. And I kept puking all over the place.” Chakotay says, “Well as lovely as that sounds, I’m afraid I don’t remember any of it.” Janeway says, “Hmmmmm... I’m going to go down to Sickbay and have the Doctor look me over...”
Meanwhile... on the real-deal Voyager...
The Doctor says, “Congratulations, Seven! You’ve successfully completed lesson number 47: How to get rid of somebody who was lousy in bed.”
Seven says, “Yay! I’m cool now. I must test out my new skills at once!” The Doctor agrees, “Yes, I do think you’re ready. But who should we test your skills on?” Seven replies, “I’m way ahead of you, Doctor. I already set up a dating simulation on the Holodeck!”
Seven and The Doctor arrive at that Holodeck. Seven says, “Computer: Activate Dating Program Seven of Nine One One.”
Just then, the Holo-Program takes shape. Seven and The Doctor find themselves in a Burger King.
The Doctor is floored, “You’re going to have a date at the Burger King?” Seven replies, “Yeah! Pretty fancy, huh?” At this moment, a man with a cane and a seeing-eye dog starts approaching The Doctor and Seven. The Doctor turns to Seven and says, “Do you know this man?” Seven replies, “Of course! I programmed him! You were the one who told me I should try a blind date!”
The Doctor says, “Oh Seven... That was lame!”
Meanwhile... On Coda-Voyager...
The Doctor says, “Captain. I have terrible news. You’ve developed the Vidiian Phage!” Janeway says, “My God! But didn’t you develop a cure against the Phage??”
The Doctor answers, “Yes, I did. But it’s on the other side of the room in the medicine cabinet. And I’m not really in the mood for walking all the way over there. Soooooo... Computer, fill the room with deadly and poisonous gases!”
The gases are released and Janeway says, “Ah! Computer: Deactivate the EMH!” The computer replies, “Unable to comply. The computer wants to watch you croak...”
As Janeway gasps her last breaths, the Doctor giggles, “Isn’t life a gas?”
Suddenly.... ZAP WHAP... Janeway finds herself on the shuttlecraft once again saying, “Oh God! Here I go again! I swear I’m never forget the Dramamine ever again.” Just then, a Vidiian ship decloaks and begins firing... The shuttlecraft explodes.
Suddenly... ZAP WHAP... Janeway finds herself crossing a busy street during rush hour. Just then, a huge bus hits her and strikes her dead!
Suddenly... ZAP WHAP... Janeway finds herself falling out of an airplane. Janeway says, “Oh man. Ten bucks says I’m not wearing a parachute...” Just then, SPLAT, Janeway the starship captain turns into Janeway the pile of smushed flesh.
Suddenly... ZAP WHAP... Janeway finds herself slipping on a banana peel. She trips and lands face first onto a bed of nails.
Suddenly... ZAP WHAP... Janeway says, “Enough already!!”
At this moment, Papa Janeway comes along. Janeway looks at him and scowls, “Go back to Hell, coward!!” Papa Janeway says, “Well, aren’t you just a little welcome wagon? I’m not going anywhere until we go to your funeral.”
A short time later, Captain Janeway finds herself in the mess hall at her own funeral. She listens as the members of her crew start giving eulogies. B’Elanna goes first, “You know, when I first met Captain Janeway, I didn’t like her much. And over the last few years, I’ve found that my opinion of her hasn’t really changed. Ding-dong the witch is dead!”
Mr. Paris goes next and says, “Captain Janeway has always been like a mother to me. Which should concern me, because the two of us made lizard babies together...”
Mr. Kim takes his turn, “In the future, when I think of Captain Kathryn Janeway, I will think of a mean, evil woman who refused to promote me! My only regret is that her death wasn’t more painful...”
Then Kes steps up and gives her eulogy, “I hated Captain Janeway! Hated her!! She corrupted me with her poisoned ideas of exploration. She corrupted me. She forced me to move on to a higher sphere of consciousness. I’m telling you! She forced me... At gunpoint! I will never forgive her for this! If she was lying in the desert and dying of thirst, I would not give her a drink of water. I would leave her for the vultures!”
Janeway tears up and says, “My Goodness... It’s so touching!”
Papa Janeway replies, “Wow. Doesn’t take much to stroke your ego, huh? We better go, Kathryn. I need to take you to my matrix.” Janeway says, “Cool! I’ve always loved Keanu Reeves...” Papa Janeway says, “Wrong matrix. I’m taking you to my dead people matrix.”
Janeway says, “But I’m not dead!!"Papa Janeway replies, “Yes, you are. You just are in denial...” Janeway says, “Okay, I’ve had enough of you! Go back to coward, hell! Oh wait, that doesn’t sound right. Go back to coward, Howard. Just get out of my face!” Papa Janeway says, “You are grounded, young lady!!”
With that Janeway wakes up from her freaky Coda experience. She tells Chakotay all about it and she says, “You know. I wonder if all the near-death stories you hear about is because of the dead people matrix. I think it is. What do you think?”
Chakotay replies, “I think you’ve been smoking something you shouldn’t have been!”
Back on Voyager...
Seven and The Doctor leave the Holodeck program. Seven is ranting, “That blind date was a disaster! Did he really expect me to believe that he needed to read the braille on my cleavage??”
The Doctor says to Seven, “Okay. Your first date didn’t go so good. We’ll keep on trying...” Seven replies, “No need, Doctor. I’ve decided that I don’t want to date anybody on this ship.” The Doctor says, “Are you positive? Because there is something I really really want to tell you...”
Seven interrupts, “Yes, I am certain, Doctor. I have decided to refrain from any personal or sexual relationships. That’s why I infected myself with the crabs... Now, what was it you were going to tell me?”
The Doctor replies, “Ewww! Never mind. No big thing...”
Thus concluding therapy time...