Captain Kathryn Janeway arrives to the office of the learned Borg therapist, Sigmund of Freud. Unfortunately, Janeway can’t find him anywhere. Suddenly, she hears a recorded voice which says, “Hi, this is Dr. Freud. I’m sorry I missed your psychosis. Please leave your name and most frequent mental instability and I’ll call you back just as soon as I can. Wait for the beep...”
Janeway begins, “Well, Dr. Freud. I have yet another story to tell you. I’m going to tell a story about a man named Jed. That poor mountaineer barely kept his family fed. No wait! That’s not right...”
“Captain’s Log: Season Seven. Leave it to Brannon Braga to name an entire season after Seven of Nine! We are continuing our course to the Alpha Quadrant. I sure hope Earth hasn’t moved to a new quadrant or something. That would suck...”
Torres and Paris make their way to Holodeck One. They enter and Mr. Paris says, “B’Elanna, I’ve got a real treat for you! Computer: Activate program Paris Alpha 46.” Suddenly, Torres and Paris become witness to a Holodeck program where Paris is showering with Seven and the Captain. Paris panics, “Oh god! Wrong one! Computer: Activate program Paris Alpha 47!”
Torres and Paris then find themselves in a movie theater. Tom says, “This is a recreation of a movie-plex from the year 2001. They have 48 separate movie theaters. Although, 24 of them are showing the same film. So I fail to see the point...”
Torres and Paris stand in line for popcorn. Paris says, “Yes. I’d like two small Cokes and one small popcorn.” The snack bar girl says, “Two small cokes and one small popcorn... That’ll be $45.” Torres and Paris get their snacks and sit down in the theater. Suddenly they see Ensign Tabor lying unconscious. They rush the poor lad to Sickbay.
When Tuvok hears of the attack, he rushes to Sickbay and begins questioning the Doctor, “Do you have any clue what happened to this poor lad?”
The Doctor replies, “Yes. He was subjected to neural trauma after a Vulcan mind meld. I dusted Tabor’s face for fingerprints, and the fingerprints show that you are the one who attacked Tabor!”
Tuvok is perplexed, “This is quite a quandary. A complex logical problem to say the least. I will leave no stone unturned in finding the attacker...”
The Doctor says, “Tuvok! Didn’t you hear me? You were the attacker!!”
Tuvok is still perplexed, “Fascinating. Keep me informed, Doctor. I’ll let the captain know that we have an unknown attacker on the loose...”
Tuvok leaves Sickbay and The Doctor mutters under his breath, “Idiot.” He is just about to page the captain to let her know Tuvok is the attacker. Suddenly, Seven of Nine comes staggering into Sickbay.
The Doctor is worried, “Seven? What’s wrong? What brings you to Sickbay?” Seven replies, “I was feeling sick.” The Doctor begins running scans on Seven and finally says, “Holy buckets! Your cortical node is malfunctioning!”
Seven seems nervous, “Malfunctioning? My God, this means I’m going to die, doesn’t it?”
The Doctor quickly replies, “Yes. Most likely...” The Doctor suddenly remembers the book he read about having a good bedside manner. He then changes his tune, “You’re not going to die! Not if I can help it! You just lie down, I must inform the Captain of your illness!”
The Doctor darts out of Sickbay and heads to the turbolift. Along the way, he runs into B’Elanna, who is unconscious. She is suffering the exact same wounds as Tabor. The Doctor says to himself, “Oh yeah. I shouldn’t forget to tell the Captain about Tuvok...”
The Doctor reaches the Bridge and says, “Captain, I must talk to you alone!”
The two of them go into Janeway’s ready room. The Doctor says, “I have disturbing news about Seven. There is a problem with her Borg implants.”
Janeway says, “I knew it! They are fake!”
The Doctor corrects her, “No. Not those. Her cortical node is failing. If we don’t get her a new one, she’ll die!” Janeway asks, “And I care because...?” The Doctor replies, “Because you’re the captain! And it will look bad if you have this whole ‘Oh well’ attitude.” Janeway says, “Very well. I will try to find another cortical node. Was there anything else you needed to tell me?”
The Doctor stutters, “Oh, damn. I know there was something else I wanted to tell you. My mind is a blank. If I remember, you’ll be the first one I tell.”
The Doctor enters the turbolift and says, “Sickbay!” Then he finds Commander Chakotay lying unconscious. He is suffering the same wounds as B’Elanna and Tabor. The Doctor says, “Oh yeah! The Tuvok thing. I must tell the Captain. Computer, belay my last command. Return us to the Bridge!”
The computer replies, “Unable to comply. You already said Sickbay. Maybe next time you’ll think before you start playing around with the turbolifts...”
Meanwhile, on the Bridge...
Janeway says, “Mr. Paris, set a course for the nearest Borg debris field.” Paris says, “What? It’s not everyday we go looking for the Borg...” Janeway corrects him, “Yes, it is!” Paris says, “No ma’am. You’re forgetting the second week in March of 2373.” Janeway replies, “Oh yeah. That’s when the Collective did the road trip to Chattanooga. I stand corrected...”
Meanwhile... The Doctor enters Sickbay and he can’t find Seven of Nine anywhere.
The Doctor says, “Computer: Locate Seven of Nine.” The computer replies, “Seven of Nine is in the Delta Quadrant.” The Doctor says, “Care to be a little bit more specific?” The computer breathes a heavy sigh and says, “Fine. She’s on Deck Ten.”
Suddenly, The Doctor gets a page from a very panic-stricken Icheb. Icheb says, “Doctor, can you help me?” The Doctor asks, “What’s wrong?” Icheb says, “Seven of Nine is chasing me all over the ship. She’s carrying a really, really big butcher knife and keeps mumbling about getting her hands on my cortical node!”
The Doctor is about to rush out and attempt to rescue Icheb. When suddenly, Tuvok’s voice beams on the intercom, “All Maquis Brainwashed Hands, this is Tuvok. Now is a Holy Time!”
The Doctor exclaims, “Holy Holy Time!!” Suddenly, Torres, Chakotay and Tabor awake from their peaceful slumber. And begin shooting people like crazy.
Meanwhile... on Deck Ten...
Icheb is running and screaming, “Leave me alone!! Leave me alone!!” Seven continues chasing him screaming, “Give me that cortical node!!” Suddenly, Icheb and Seven run right past Mr. Neelix. Neelix shouts, “Hey! Tactical Directive 47-A. No running in the halls!”
Chakotay walks up to Neelix and punches him in the mouth. He then says, “This is a Maquis ship now, Neelix. And the Maquis have always tolerated running in the halls!”
Meanwhile... On the Bridge...
Janeway turns to Tuvok and says, “What did you just say?” Tuvok replies, “Now is a Holy Time.” Janeway says, “Who are you supposed to be, Jimmy Swaggert?”
Tuvok rounds up the Bridge crew and takes them down to the brig.
Soon after that, Chakotay and Tabor arrive on the Bridge. Chakotay asks, “Tabor, do you know of any Earth-type planets where we could drop off the Starfleet crew?”
Tabor suggests, “Hmmmm... Earth-type planets? How about Earth?” Chakotay says, “I was hoping for something a little closer...”
Meanwhile... on Deck 15...
Icheb continues running. The tears are streaming down his face as he whines, “Please, Seven! Leave me alone! Besides, I don’t think you would be able to use my cortical node. I think it’s probably the wrong size for you!”
Seven replies, “Size doesn’t matter, Icheb. I’m going to cut that thing right off your body!”
Icheb panics, “We are still talking about the cortical node, right?”
Finally, The Doctor catches up with Seven and Icheb and says, “Seven! You must stop right now! I’ve come up with another solution!”
Seven says, “Are you sure? I was really looking forward to stabbing Icheb...” The Doctor says, “Yes! I’m sure! We can program the replicators to make you a brand new cortical node!” Seven is skeptical, “What are you trying to pull? It couldn’t be that easy!”
The Doctor says, “I assure you! It will work. You see, these stories don’t have to ignore the obvious in order to fill an hour’s worth of air time...”
Meanwhile... On the Bridge...
Tuvok hears Chakotay paging him, “Tuvok. Please join me in the ready room... Whenever you’re ready.”
Tuvok goes to the ready room and says, “You wanted to see me, Captain?” Chakotay scoffs, “Tuvok, this is a Maquis ship now. You don’t have to call me Captain. ‘God,’ or ‘Your Honor’ will suffice...”
Tuvok says, “Well, what do you want, Your Honor?”
At that moment, Tabor brings in Captain Janeway. She’s wearing a T-shirt with a big bulls-eye target on it. Tuvok says, “I don’t understand.”
Chakotay hands Tuvok a phaser and says, “I am testing your loyalty, Tuvok. This phaser is set to kill. And I want you to shoot Janeway with it.” Janeway says, “Oh, Chakotay. Are you still bitter about the time I wouldn’t take that 19th century pocket watch?”
Tuvok slowly raises the phaser... (insert dramatic music)
Chakotay says, “Tuvok... I’m waiting...” (the dramatic music slowly grows louder)
Janeway panics, “Tuvok... Don’t do this!” (the dramatic music is deafening by this point)
Suddenly... Tuvok fires the phaser! Janeway collapses to the floor! Chakotay smacks his head and says, “Oh, God! I meant to disable that phaser! Heh heh... Oops! Tabor, you better get her to Sickbay or something...”
Once Tabor leaves, Tuvok grabs Chakotay and slowly puts his hand to Chakotay’s face. Chakotay says, “Tuvok! I didn’t realize you had these feelings for me!” Tuvok says, “Your mind to my mind. Your thoughts to my thoughts. Your brain to my brain. Your marbles to my marbles...”
Chakotay suddenly snaps out of his trance and says, “Whoa! What was that all about?” Chakotay then pages the rest of the crew and says, “This is Chakotay. Holy Time is done now. No more Holy Time. We can resume independent study time.”
“Captain’s Personal Log, Supplemental. I am recovering from my phaser wound. Luckily I was wearing my phaser-proof vest when I was shot. I am also pleased to report that Seven of Nine has made a complete recovery. Oh wait, this is my personal log. I am sorry to say that Seven of Nine still lives. And we were so close! Oh well. The Maquis rebellion is done now. I don’t know what that was all about! Anyway, I’m meeting with Mr. Tuvok to discuss what happened.”
Janeway sits Tuvok down and says, “Old friend, I want you to know that I don’t blame you in the slightest. I know you were under some sort of mind control when you began the rebellion.”
Tuvok says, “Actually, no. I was just in a really bad mood.”
Janeway shrieks, “Bad mood?? So you planned a starship mutiny? When most normal people are in a bad mood, they drink. You pedantic drone!”
Tuvok replies, “Indeed.”
As Janeway completes her story she hears a loud “BEEP!” Janeway whines, “Oh God. I forgot to wait for the beep! Aaaaah!!”