The Final Thrombosis, Chapter 5: “The Afterbirth of the Federation”
Written by Tim Mohr, aka “Cureboy”
Published May 1, 2001
“Captain’s Log: Supplemental. Captain’s Flog: Painful. Time is running out. We don’t have a moment to waste. I have therefore decided to drastically alter course in the wrong direction. My crew still commands the Dauntless, with its fancy-schmancy slipstream drive, but I am determined to take back Voyager. Even though Voyager is currently in the heart of Borg space, I still think we can retake Voyager and slip away from the Borg undetected. I just love my delusions...”
Janeway finishes her log entry and screams, “Report!!”
Tuvok leaves his tactical station, walks across the Bridge, grabs Janeway by the throat and says, “Look, Janeway. Nobody here is deaf. There is no need to consistently scream ‘Report!!’ If you do it again, I swear to God that I’ll rip every auburn hair out of your head and tear you apart with my bare hands!”
Janeway smiles and says, “I’m sorry, old friend. How long until we reach Borg space?” Tuvok shouts, “I don’t know! Soon, all right! Get off my back, you miserable old hag!” Janeway smiles, “No problem, old friend.” Chakotay speaks, “You tell her, Tuvok.” Janeway then smacks Chakotay across the face and says, “I don’t respond well to insubordination!”
Meanwhile... on Voyager...
Ensign Wildman begins the funeral ceremony, “Dear friends. We are gathered here today to pay our final respects to our good friend, Naomi Wildman. She will be greatly missed by all those who knew her.”
Icheb says, “Okay, Carey. Got any fours?” Carey replies, “Go fish.”
Wildman continues, “May she rest in peace...”
The Borg Queen says, “Are we done? Can we eat now?” Wildman says, “I thought you were going back to the Collective?” The Queen replies, “Of course I am. But first I’m going to assimilate you all, and Voyager to boot!”
Wildman panics, “But... But... You can’t assimilate us! You just can’t!” The Queen glares, “And why not?” Wildman replies, “Because. We have... smallpox. And if you assimilate us, you’ll infect the entire Collective!” The Queen says, “Fine! Then I’ll kill you all and simply assimilate Voyager!” Wildman panics, “But... But... You just can’t assimilate Voyager!” The Queen glares, “And why not??” Wildman replies, “Because. Voyager is.... haunted!”
The Queen looks skeptical, “Very well. Who needs you, anyway? Just get out of my space!” With that, the Queen beams off Voyager.
A few hours later, Wildman gets on the intercom, “Attention all hands, this is the captain.” Icheb interrupts, “Wildman, there are only three of us on board... including yourself!” Wildman replies, “Oh shut up! As I was saying... All hands, prepare for the jump to transwarp. Mr. Carey, are you ready in Engineering?” Carey replies, “Yep. Although I’m not quite sure what the difference is between warp and transwarp...” Wildman answers, “With transwarp, you get that green tunnel.”
Carey replies, “Aha!” Suddenly, Mr. Carey hears footsteps. He turns around and comes face to face with the serial killer. Mr. Carey starts pleading, “Please! Oh please, for God’s sake, leave me alone! Please don’t come near me! Please don’t hurt me! I have a family waiting for me on Earth! Oh noooooo!!!”
Wildman overhears all of this and says, “Mr. Carey!! What’s wrong?” Icheb says, “Maybe he saw a cockroach...” Wildman says, “No! It’s the serial killer! He’s down in Engineering!” Wildman and Icheb rush down to Engineering and find Joe Carey dead. Icheb sighs, “What a terrible, terrible shame. He had a wife and kids waiting for him...” Wildman says, “Yeah, right. Then why the hell was he trying to get it on with Seven of Nine at Utopia Planitia?”
Suddenly the killer approaches from the shadows. Wildman says, “Run, Icheb! Get out of here! Run!”
Icheb races out the door. Wildman then turns to the killer and says, “Look! Icheb is getting away... After him!!” The killer pulls out a phaser and shoots Icheb, who dies instantly. Wildman says, “Hey! I thought your method of murder was to stab your victim 47 times?” The killer replies, “My doctor told me I was overdoing it with my arm. He suggested I try something new.” With that, the killer shoots Ensign Wildman.
Meanwhile... on the Dauntless...
Tuvok announces, “Captain. We are approaching Voyager.” Janeway says, “Put me on the hailing frequency.” Tuvok complies and Janeway says, “Attention! This is Captain Kathryn Janeway. Your reign of terror is over. I have come to reclaim my ship. If you have the slightest bit of common sense, you will leave my ship at once. Or else you will suffer dire consequences!” There is no response. Chakotay quickly runs a scan and says, “Captain, there are no lifesigns on Voyager.”
Janeway grins, “Aha! They know not to mess with me! Okay, everybody. Let’s head back to Voyager and go home!” The crew beams back to Voyager. Shortly after that, Torres pages Janeway and says, “Captain! Report to Engineering immediately! I’ve found the Anti-Voyagers... Dead!”
Janeway and Chakotay race to Engineering and find the bodies of Carey, Icheb and Wildman. Janeway gasps, “My God! The serial killer must still be on the loose. And we still haven’t the slightest idea who the killer is!” Chakotay interrupts, “On the contrary, Captain. You’re forgetting a very important clue. Each of these victims were shot. We can assume the killer is carrying a phaser.”
Janeway sighs, “You’re a regular Agatha Christie, Chuckles...”
Torres then says, “Captain! According to the tricorder, there is another person here in Engineering.... It must be the killer!” Janeway says, “Chakotay! You told me there were no other lifesigns on board!” Chakotay sighs, “Yeah right, like I know how to work a scanner?”
Suddenly... the killer approaches them. Janeway spins around and sees who it is. She gasps, “My God.... It’s... it’s Captain Jackson Archer!!”
Chakotay says, “Who??”
Torres says, “Chakotay, don’t you read your spoilers?! He’s the Captain of Series V!” Captain Archer smiles and says, “That’s right!” Chakotay says, “Don’t you look an awful lot like that Quantum Leap guy?” Archer replies, “That hasn’t been decided yet...” Janeway growls, “Well, I want to know why the hell you are killing my crew! You’d better tell me, or I’ll give you a leap you won’t soon forget!”
Archer explains, “Isn’t it obvious, Captain? The sooner I kill you all off... The sooner my show will go on the air!”
Janeway suddenly realizes what’s going on and says, “Wait a minute! You’ve been traveling through time. You must have been the one who caused my temporal paradox!” Archer smiles and says, “Very good, Janeway.” Janeway says, “So I really did have therapy sessions, and Voyager really did return to Earth a number of times. I’m not losing my mind!!”
Archer replies, “Well, you’re right about the paradox... But you’re still a crazy old lady. But anyways, since my time is running short, I’ve decided to simplify things. Therefore, I’ve rigged the warp core to explode.” Torres says, “Liar!” Chakotay adds, “Your pants should really be on fire...” Torres continues, “If you really rigged the warp core to explode, the computer would be giving us that incredibly irritating countdown.”
The computer interrupts, “Warp core overload in progress. Destruction in two minutes.”
Torres backs off, “I stand corrected...”
Janeway then says, “Computer: Shut down the overload, Authorization Janeway Omega Theta Beta Zeta Alligator.” The computer replies, “Unable to comply. Security lockout in place.” Janeway screams, “But I’m the Captain!” The computer says, “And I’m supposed to be impressed? I really don’t give a rat’s ass.” Archer interrupts, “It’s useless, Janeway. I’ve changed all the codes!” Janeway says, “You fool! When you destroy Voyager, you will be killed as well.” Archer gasps, “Oh dear, I should have considered that. Computer, shut down the countdown!”
The countdown ends. Archer then says, “I guess I’ll have to do this the old-fashioned way...” With that, Archer readies his phaser...
Suddenly, Voyager is rocked by phaser fire! Archer stumbles and drops the phaser. Torres races over and gives Archer a karate chop, knocking him unconscious.
Janeway says, “Torres... I’m impressed!”
Torres replies, “It’s nothing. I used to watch Charlie’s Angels all the time as a kid...” Janeway then says, “Very good. Take him to the Brig. Chakotay and I need to return to the Bridge.” Chakotay says, “The Bridge is that room with all the chairs and that big-screen TV, right?” Moments later... Janeway and Chakotay return to the Bridge. Janeway screams, “Report!!!”
Tuvok sternly looks at the captain and says, “Janeway....”
Janeway says, “Sorry. I mean, would somebody mind telling me what’s going on... If you lovely people aren’t too terribly busy?” Tuvok answers, “It’s the Equinox... They’re attacking us!” Janeway says, “Damn them! Hail them!” Chakotay asks, “Well. which one is it?”
Tuvok puts Captain Ransom on the viewscreen. Janeway says, “What is the meaning of this attack?!” Ransom replies, “None of us like you, Janeway.” Captain Braxton suddenly says, “I’m opening up a temporal rift. I’m going to send Voyager back in time!” Seska screams, “Why??” Braxton replies, “Because of Janeway, I had to spend 30 years on 20th century Earth. Which is weird, because at the end of that episode I didn’t remember any of it. But yet the next time I appeared on the show, I was very bitter about it...”
Meanwhile... on a nearby Borg ship...
The Borg Queen’s trusted secretary, Cinco De Mayo, rushes to the Queen and says, “My Queen, Voyager is being hurled into a temporal rift. They’re headed into Earth’s distant past!” The Queen says, “What an interesting turn of events. This may be my chance to do what I couldn’t do before... Prevent Zefram Cochrane’s first warp flight!” Cinco De Mayo asks, “I’ve been wondering... Why didn’t you simply create another temporal vortex to travel back in time and try to thwart Cochrane again?” The Queen replies, “We could only afford that one vortex.” Cinco De Mayo replies, “Of course, I forgot about the cutbacks...”
The Queen says, “Quickly! Beam to me to Voyager!”
Back on Voyager...
Tuvok shouts, “Captain! We’re being pulled into the rift. It can’t be stopped!” Just then, Voyager is pulled into the rift and is hurled back in time and across the galaxy. A big bright life engulfs the ship and knocks the crew unconscious.
Eventually they all wake up. Paris says, “Dude, this reminds me of the time I did that really bad acid...” Janeway says, “Where are we?” Ensign Kim says, “We’re at Earth... We’re home!” Janeway says, “Not so fast, Ensign. I need to know the exact date.”
Kim replies, “It is April 2, 2063.”
Tuvok gasps, “April 2?? My God! The day before the day before the day before First Contact!” Janeway says, “Oh great, we don’t have time travel capabilities. How in the world are we going to get back to our own century?” Chakotay says, “Well we only have about 300 years to wait. We could hide behind the moon or something.”
Suddenly, Seven of Nine comes rushing to the bridge and says, “Captain, I may have a plan!” Janeway sighs, “If it involves showing off even more of your boobs, I’m not interested...” Seven replies, “No. You see, in a few days, the Borg will arrive. They are going to attempt to prevent Zefram Cochrane from achieving warp speed. And then the Enterprise-E will arrive to stop the Borg. And then the Enterprise will return to the 24th century!”
Janeway smiles, “Excellent! All we have to do is hang out for a couple days until the Enterprise arrives!”
Chakotay says, “A couple days? That should be enough time to tell you a parable I heard as a child. You see, there was a fox, a scorpion, two Rabbis and a priest. And they walk into a bar...”
Meanwhile... In Voyager’s Brig...
The Borg Queen arrives and says, “Psst! Hey, you in the Brig...” Captain Archer says, “Yeah?” The Queen replies, “I’m the Borg Queen, I’m going to get you out of here.” Archer looks at the Queen and says, “Look at your head! Honey, I know where we can get you some Rogaine...” The Queen says, “Never mind that... You’re here to destroy the Voyager crew, aren’t you?” Archer replies, “You bet your implants, I am!”
The Queen says, “Good, and I’m here on my own mission of destruction. So, if you scratch my back, I’ll scratch your back.” Archer says, “Sorry, dear. I ain’t touching your back...” The Queen says, “What I mean is... I’m here to kill Zefram Cochrane, do you know him?” Archer says, “Zeffy? Oh yeah, we go way back!” The Queen says, “Good! If you help me kill him, I’ll help you kill the Voyager crew. And then I will finally prevent humans from achieving warp drive!”
Archer then says, “Whoa now. That would put me out of a job! To hell with you, I’m not helping you do anything!” The Queen then says, “Fine. Who needs you? I’ll just do it myself.”
With that, the Queen leaves the Brig Room. Archer sighs and says to himself, “I really should have waited to say that last part until she let me out of the brig...”