“Captain’s Log: Stardate April 4, 2063. The day before First Contact. Or, in more complicated terms, the day after the day before the day before First Contact. Two days ago, we became stranded in the middle of the 21st century. Which is very very odd, because nearly all the Starfleet time travel adventures end up in the late 20th century for some strange reason. We are waiting for the Borg sphere and the Enterprise-E to travel to this time frame, hoping they can return us to the 24th century. We have at last captured the serial killer... Captain Jackson Archer. He’s locked in our brig. Also, I am retaining water. But perhaps that last part should go into my personal log...”
Janeway completes her log entry and screams at the top of her lungs, “Report!!” Tuvok sighs and says, “Oh Janeway, I just can’t control you. Nevertheless, there is still no sign of the Enterprise or any Borg ships.” Janeway growls, “I’m sick of waiting...” Tuvok then says, “Well, there are quite a few satellites orbiting the Earth at this time.” Janeway smiles, “Good thinking, Tuvok! Load the torpedo tubes, time for a little target practice!”
Meanwhile... In Voyager’s Brig...
Captain Jackson Archer thinks to himself, “I’ve been here for two days now. I wonder if the crew has any intentions of bringing me something to eat...”
Suddenly, Captain Archer hears tapping on the walls. Archer says, “Hmmmm... That sounds like morse code...” Archer begins to translate the code, “S... T... A... N... S. New word. C... R... A... C... K. ‘Stan’s Crack’! ‘Stan’s Crack’???”
Suddenly the bulkhead directly in front of Captain Archer explodes, providing an escape route. The Borg Queen stands on the other side of the bulkhead screaming, “You idiot! I was spelling out ‘stand back’!!” Archer says, “Oh. My bad. What are you doing here?” The Queen replies, “Do you not know a jailbreak when you see one??” Archer asks, “Why didn’t you simply lower the force field on the brig?” The Queen answers, “Oh come on... This was much more dramatic! Besides, I need your help! Come with me to deflector control!”
The Queen and Archer arrive in deflector control. The Queen explains her plan, “I overheard Seven of Nine telling the Captain that the Borg Queen is about to enter this time frame in order to stop Zefram Cochrane from breaking the warp barrier.”
Archer says, “I’m confused. I thought you were the Borg Queen?” The Queen replies, “I’m Queen Susanna. Queen Alice is the one coming through the temporal vortex.”
Archer then asks, “All right if I call you Queen Sue?”
Queen Sue answers, “If you wish. But anyway, right after Queen Alice arrives, the Enterprise-E will come through the vortex and destroy Queen Alice’s sphere. I must not allow that to happen. So... Once the sphere gets here, we’ll use Voyager’s deflector to close the vortex before the Enterprise can get here.” Archer smiles, “Brilliant!” Queen Sue continues, “Thank you. And then the Borg will finally be able to prevent humanity from achieving warp drive. Thereby destroying all hope for the future of humanity!”
Archer argues, “I told you already, I won’t help you assimilate humanity!” Queen Sue grins, “We’ll make you the Big Chief Drone in charge of Earth!” Archer smiles, “Let’s get to deflector-ing!”
Meanwhile... On Voyager’s Bridge...
Tuvok smiles, “I nailed the International Space Station... Ten points!” Janeway applauds, “Well done, Tuvok!”
Tuvok suddenly grows serious and says, “Captain! I’m reading a temporal vortex forming!” Chakotay adds, “And I’m reading The Cat in the Hat...” Janeway says, “Red Alert! Get ready to hail the Enterprise!”
At that moment, the Borg sphere exits the vortex... At the same time, Queen Sue activates the deflector dish.
Tuvok shouts, “Captain! Our deflector dish has been activated! It’s closing the temporal vortex!” Janeway yells, “Well, stop it already!” Tuvok sighs, “Too late. The vortex has been closed. The Enterprise didn’t make it back in time with the sphere.” Janeway growls, “How did this happen?” Tuvok answers, “The Borg Queen and Captain Archer! They took control of the deflector dish. What kind of dumbass security measures do we have on this ship?!” Chakotay suggests, “Aren’t you the security officer?” Tuvok replies, “As I said... These things happen...”
Janeway looks at the view screen to see the Borg sphere firing at Earth. Janeway shrieks, “Fire phasers! Blow that sphere out of the sky!” Tuvok asks, “Should I raise the shields first? To make sure none of those Borg beam aboard Voyager?” Janeway shrugs, “Nah. I wouldn’t worry about it. Now, fire!”
Tuvok fires phasers and the Borg sphere is destroyed. Tuvok smiles, “Borg Sphere... Twenty Points!”
Janeway then says, “They were firing at the surface... But where??” Chakotay suggests, “It looks like they were firing at Earth.” Janeway growls, “Can we be a little more specific, Chakotay?!” Tuvok then says, “North American continent. Looks like a missile complex in central Montana. Located at 4747 Main Street in Helena, Montana. ZIP code 54747.”
Chakotay growls, “Brown-noser...”
Janeway gasps, “Helena?? What in hell is in Helena?” Tuvok replies, “Zefram Cochrane’s ship... The Phoenix!” Chakotay laughs, “Ha!! Oh Tuvok! You’re so wrong! Everybody knows the Phoenix is in Arizona! Who’s the moron now?” Janeway replies, “That would still be you, Chuckles. Mr. Kim, has there been much damage to the area?”
Mr. Kim suddenly wakes up, a little bit of drool hanging from his mouth, saying, “What? Huh? I thought Tuvok was doing everything. But it’s hard to tell how much damage was done.” Janeway says, “Well, I guess we better beam down there and see what kind of damage we’re looking at.”
Suddenly, Torres pages Janeway and says, “Captain. Um, there’s about 147 Borg in Engineering. What should I do about this?” Janeway replies, “Well, get out of Engineering, B’Elanna!” Torres says, “I already did that... Duh! But the Borg are still down there. Why didn’t we raise the shields so they couldn’t beam aboard?” Janeway answers, “Oh you see, the shields were offline.” Tuvok interrupts, “Captain... They were not offline!” Janeway says, “Well, that’s what my log is gonna say...”
Janeway then turns to her crew and says, “Okay. I think we’re all going to have to beam down to Earth. We have to find Zefram Cochrane and make sure the flight goes well. But we’ll need somebody to stay behind and be the acting captain. So... Mr. Kim.....”
Kim grows very excited, “Yes, Captain??”
Janeway continues, “Activate the Emergency Command Hologram. He’ll be in charge of you until we all get back.”
Kim cries as the rest of the crew beams down to Earth.
Meanwhile... Queen Sue and Captain Archer approach Engineering...
Queen Sue begins pounding on the door and saying, “Let me in. I’m one of you!” The door opens. Queen Sue and Captain Archer walk in just as Queen Alice is being assembled. Captain Archer says, “Impressive! Reminds me of a Barbie doll my sister used to have!”
Queen Alice looks at Queen Sue and says, “Who the hell are you?” Queen Sue replies, “I am the Borg Queen.” Queen Alice replies, “Sorry Dear... I am the Borg Queen!” Captain Archer says, “Well, I think you’re both a couple of queens. Just like Kirk and Spock were... If you listen to the rumors, anyway...”
Queen Sue says, “Look, Alice! We don’t have time to argue about this! We both want the same thing... Assimilate humanity! And we must work together!” Queen Alice says, “All right, but I want top-billing in the episode’s credits.” Queen Sue says, “Fine! Now, let’s get to work! If we can assimilate Voyager, we will use their weapons to finish destroying the missile complex. Zefram Cochrane will be dead and the Borg will have emerged victorious!”
Queen Alice twirls her mustache and says, “Very good, my dear. Who says Voyager ruined the Borg?...”
Meanwhile... in central Montana...
Captain Janeway gathers her crew together and says, “Okay. Now remember the Prime Directive. We must not let these people know we are from the future. We must be very discreet when it comes to looking for Mr. Cochrane.” But it’s too late, Chakotay has opened his big mouth, “Hey! Which one of you is Cochrane? We’ve come from 200 years in the future to help you with your damned warp ship!”
A tall man comes staggering over and says, “I’m Cochrane. What’s up? What’s this about the future?”
Janeway says, “Don’t mind Chakotay, he’s retarded. We are actually tourists. We heard you were building a warp ship and we thought we’d lend a hand.” Cochrane says, “Tourists, huh? From where?” Janeway states, “Philadelphia.”
Suddenly a cranky woman comes rushing over with a machine gun, “I don’t believe you!” Janeway is startled, “Who are you?” The woman replies, “I am Lily. And I want to know where you people are really from!” Janeway answers, “I told you! We really are from Philly, Lily.”
Lily growls, “But that tattooed baboon said you were from the future!” Janeway scoffs, “Don’t be silly, Lily. We mean you no harm.” Cochrane says, “Well, it doesn’t matter. My ship was badly damaged in the thunderstorm. There’s no way I can make my warp flight.”
Chakotay says, “Cochrane, that wasn’t a thunderstorm. That was weapons fire from a race of cybernetic drones.” Janeway growls, “Chakotay, have you never heard of the Prime Directive!!”
Chakotay replies, “Well, I’ve heard of prime rib...”
Meanwhile... On Voyager’s Bridge...
The Doctor has transformed into the Emergency Command Hologram and is running the ship.
Kim announces, “Captain Doctor, the Borg are beginning to move past Engineering. It won’t be long until they take the entire ship!” The Doctor replies, “My god man! Send a security team!” Kim says, “But we’re the only two Starfleet people on board!”
The Doctor then says, “Oh. Well in that case, take a phaser and get down there. I’ll say a little prayer for you...” Kim shakes uncontrollably. But he grabs a phaser and triumphantly announces, “Don’t you worry, Doctor! I will take care of everything! The Borg will never capture me!”
Three minutes after leaving the Bridge... Kim is captured by the Borg. Queen Alice straps him to a table and says, “Look here, Kim. I want you to tell me the codes to turn off the Emergency Command Hologram!”
Kim replies, “Never! I don’t care what you do to me! Even if you drilled holes in my head, I still wouldn’t tell!” Queen Alice says, “We considered that. But we decided against that after discovering there was nothing worth drilling for.” Kim then says, “Well actually, there might be a way for me to give you the codes. Perhaps if you tried seducing me...”
Queen Alice laughs, “Oh Kim, we aren’t that desperate!”
Back in central Montana...
Janeway decides she must tell Cochrane and Lily the truth. She completes her story and says, “So you see, if you don’t make your warp flight, you’ll never make contact with the Vulcans. And the Federation will never be born.” Chakotay surmises, “Think of it as abortion via time travel.” Lily growls, “I don’t believe in any of this! Robots from the future? A bunch of hooey!”
Cochrane says, “Don’t be such a hillbilly, Lily. I’ve theorized about such things. That, and naked women. So Captain, you can count on me!”
The Doctor suddenly pages Janeway and says, “Captain! Mr. Kim has been captured by the Borg, and the Borg are slowly making their way to the Bridge!” Janeway says, “Damn them! Mr. Paris, Chakotay and I are returning to Voyager to lend a hand.” Paris asks, “Why me?” Janeway replies, “I’ll need somebody to sacrifice if the situation warrants one...”
Lily then says, “Wait a minute! I’m coming with you!” Janeway says, “I dunno. Space can be very cold. You might get chilly, Lily.” Lily says, “I don’t care! I just don’t trust you people!”
With that, Lily, Paris, Chakotay and Janeway beam back to Voyager. Cochrane turns to the rest of them and says, “Okay. I’ll show you the way to my ship. Which one of you is the engineer?” Torres raises her hand, “I’m the chief engineer.” Cochrane gasps, “You?? But you’re a girl!” Torres grabs Cochrane by the hair, slams him to the concrete floor and says, “So?” Cochrane replies, “So I’d like to show you to my ship, Madame Engineer...”
Back on Voyager’s bridge...
Janeway, Chakotay, Paris and Lily arrive. They all shout in unison, “Report!!!” The Doctor replies, “The Borg have taken over Decks 3 through 15. They almost got to the Bridge, but I outsmarted them.” Janeway asks, “How so?” The Doctor answers, “I made an announcement that the Bridge had been moved to Deck 15, and they believed me!”
Janeway says, “Whew! Good thing we ruined the Borg, otherwise they never would have fallen for that...”
Paris suggests, “There’s no way we can fend off all those Borg drones. We have no choice, we must destroy Voyager.” Lily’s voice shrills, “I agree! Blow up the damn ship!” Janeway says, “Who asked you?? Don’t get your voice so shrilly, Lily. I say we make our stand here! The line must drawn here! This far, no farther!”
Chakotay pulls out a piece of chalk and says, “Where’d you want that line drawn... Here?”
Lily says, “Oh fine, Captain Janeway Ahab here wants to hunt her whale!” Paris interrupts, “Actually Lily, Janeway is the whale...” Janeway turns to Lily and says, “What are you talking about?” Lily growls, “You do have books in the 24th century, don’t you?” Chakotay answers, “Yes. I just finished reading The Adventures of Dick and Jane...”
Paris adds, “Hey, I think I have the porn version of that book!”
Janeway then says, “Lily, I think you’re right. We must destroy the Borg. Computer: Activate the self-destruct. Set for a five minute silent countdown.” The computer replies, “Self destruct countdown initiated. Warp core overload in five minutes.” Janeway screams, “We go through this every time, Computer! I said silent countdown!” The Computer then says, “There will be no further audio warnings.” Janeway sighs, “Better...”
Meanwhile... Back in central Montana...
Torres and Tuvok have helped Cochrane finish the Phoenix repairs. The three of them sit in the cockpit, waiting for launch. Torres looks at the moon and says, “What a sight! In my century you could see hundreds of cities and beautiful lakes on the moon!” Tuvok chides, “Torres! You can’t see any of those things in our century... They don’t exist!”
Torres whispers, “I know... But I like messing with his mind...”
Cochrane says, “Okay everybody. I’m ready to take off. Let me just put some music on the tape deck here.” Tuvok begs, “Please, not that Steppenwolf song!” Cochrane replies, “Oh, hell no! I’m gonna put on some real music! You know, Fascination Street by The Cure!!!”
Tuvok smiles, “A logical choice.”
With that, Cochrane blasts off into space...
Meanwhile... in Voyager’s engineering...
Queen Sue confronts Mr. Kim and says, “This is it, Kim! Cochrane is about to hook up with the Vulcans. You tell us those command codes!” Kim screams, “Never!” Queen Sue then says, “How about if we make you Big Chief Drone in charge of Earth?” Kim then says, “Cool! The command codes are...”
Just then Captain Archer bellows, “Resistance is futile!” With that, he unleashes a few hundred bottles of Clorox bleach, which ends up killing all the Borg drones, and turns Harry’s uniform into a bright white color.
Mr. Kim says, “Captain Archer! I don’t believe it! You betrayed the Borg and you saved the day! How can we ever thank you?” Archer replies, “Oh, it was nothing like that. It’s just those Borg Queens ticked me off. They already promised that I could be the Big Chief Drone in charge of Earth!”
Meanwhile... back on the Bridge...
Tuvok says, “Captain! The Borg drones have been killed! However, the two Borg Queens have escaped in a shuttlecraft!” Janeway screams, “Lock phasers and fire!” Tuvok replies, “We can’t! The phasers are offline!” Janeway says, “Well put them back online, you pedantic drone. Do I have to think of everything?” Tuvok then says, “It’s too late... They’re out of range. We can’t stop them!” Janeway says, “No! Now they will destroy the Phoenix with the shuttlecraft!”
Queen Alice hails Voyager and says, “Watch your future’s end...” Chakotay replies, “That was from the third season, right? I’ll try to catch it in the reruns...”
Suddenly, a temporal vortex opens... It’s the Enterprise-E. The Enterprise quickly opens fire on the shuttlecraft. The shuttle, and the two queens, are blown to bits. Janeway quickly hails the Enterprise and says, “Captain Picard, what’s going on?? We thought the Borg had closed the temporal vortex?”
Picard scoffs and says, “Oh Janeway, you think in such three-dimensional terms...”
Janeway argues, “Well, all except Chakotay here. He’s having enough trouble with the one-dimensional terms.” Picard then says, “Well, our work here is done, I’m taking the Enterprise back to the 24th century.” Janeway says, “Wait! Take us with you! Otherwise, we’ll be trapped in the 21st century.”
Picard smiles, “Sorry, Janeway. The Temporal Prime Directive. I’m afraid you’re on your own...”
Janeway growls, “Okay, fine. But guess what, Picard? There were five lights!! Mwaaa ha ha ha!!!!”
With that, Janeway ends the transmission, and the Enterprise leaves through the vortex again.
“Captain’s Log: April 5, 2063. The flight of the Phoenix was a success... yet again. We have dropped Captain Archer back on Earth. Might as well let him live in the century he belongs. Tuvok assures me this will only create a couple thousand temporal incursions. We have masked our warp trail with the moon’s gravitational pull. So we can only hope the Vulcans scan for warp trails instead of looking out their windows and seeing Voyager just hanging around. But now it looks we are forever trapped in the 21st century. On the plus side, we will make a killing, considering we know who wins the next 200 World Series...”
Suddenly the log entry is interrupted when Tuvok says, “Captain! There is yet another vortex opening... It’s the Relativity!”
Captain Braxton hails them and says, “Janeway! I’ve been scanning your progress. I never dreamt you’d outsmart the Borg!” Janeway replies, “Well, a big nanny-nanny-boo-boo on you.” Braxton then says, “Don’t worry, I still intend to destroy you all!”
With that, Braxton activates a temporal beam onto Voyager. Janeway screams, “Enough with all this temporal crap. Tuvok, lock phasers and destroy the Relativity!”
Braxton replies, “Oh dear...”
With that, Tuvok fires phasers and destroys the Relativity. Which begins spinning out of control. Janeway grins, “Good show, old friend.” Tuvok panics, “Don’t ‘good show’ me yet. The weapon’s fire has caused a rift in the space-time continuum. And it’s pulling us inside!”
Moments later, Voyager is sucked through the rift. They emerge on the other side. Janeway then says, “Do I even need to ask where we are...?”
Tuvok replies, “You guessed it. Back in the Delta Quadrant. Actually, we’re just a few light years away from the Ocampa homeworld.” Janeway screams, “Ocampa! Dude! Now we’re back where we started! 75,000 light years away from home!!!” Tuvok then says, “And the sensors show the Relativity is also exiting the rift, just a few short light years away.”
Janeway says, “We’re doomed! 75,000 light years and being chased by the lamest villains ever!”
Tuvok then says, “Well, look at the bright side. We still have one whole chapter to get back home...”
I’ve always wanted my own UPN promo... So I decided to do it myself... 😀
The moment you’ve been waiting for...
Insert Chakotay saying “I love you, Captain.”
Insert Janeway replying “Oh God, Chakotay, put your clothes on!”
The confession that you’ve been dying to hear...
Insert Harry Kim looking at himself in the mirror and saying, “I really am a dork...”
The day you thought would never come...
Insert Seven looking at her chest and saying, “Do you think these are too big?”
The question everyone has been asking for seven years...
Insert Torres saying, “Do you think we should reconfigure the dilithium matrix to emit an antipolaric discharge while calibrating the main deflector dish to channel warp particles from the subatomic field generator?”
No... Not that question! This one...
Insert Janeway saying, “Do you think we’ll make it home?”
All these events come together... For the Coronary series finale!
Insert Rick Berman saying, “Finally! Now I can drop the lawsuit...”
We’ve saved the worst for last...
(Insert loud thunder!)