The Final Thrombosis, Chapter 7: “Game Over”

Written by Tim Mohr, aka “Cureboy”

Published May 9, 2001

I originally had this all planned out so that this last chapter would coincide with Voyager’s final episode. But here we are, two weeks from the final episode... and here I am with the last chapter. I’ve just had entirely too much fun writing these and I couldn’t stop!!

So here we go... The final Coronary. (Yeah I know, I’ve said that like three times before.) But it just doesn’t seem right to keep going without my beloved Voyager. Although I have this strong feeling that tells me that I’m going to end up rewriting “Endgame” after it airs on the 23rd.

But now I want to thank everybody who always said such kind words about these stories. It always meant a lot. Every time I ever wrote a story, I’d regularly come back to see what people thought of it. And it’s a really cool feeling when you know you’ve made someone laugh. So.... Thanks!!!

Also... Big thanks to:


“Captain’s Log. I think The Cure said it best: ‘I’m running out of time. I’m out of step and closing down.’ Our situation is grim. And bleak. More grim than bleak, however. We only have a few short hours to get back to Earth, or else Starfleet will disown us forever... Bastards. However, thanks to the Relativity’s spatial rift, we have found ourselves right back where we started... The Ocampa Homeworld. As opposed to the Ocampa Home-Away-From-Homeworld. But still, I have no doubt that we will get back to Earth in time. Of course, I haven’t the slightest clue how we’re going to do it... But that never stopped me before.”

Janeway finishes her log entry and heads to the bridge. Along the way she runs into Chakotay who asks, “Captain, did you just finish your log entry?” Janeway replies, “Sure did.” Chakotay then says, “Well, I’ve been having trouble with mine, and I’m hoping you can help me...” Janeway sighs, “All right, Chakotay, what is it?” Chakotay asks, “How do you spell ‘EMH’?”

Janeway groans, “I’m so very glad this is the last chapter...”

Janeway and Chakotay arrive at the bridge. Janeway screams, “Report!! I said report!! Report, damn you!!” Tuvok replies, “I am receiving an incoming transmission...” Kim interrupts, “So? I’m receiving Penthouse magazine, what’s your point?” Tuvok continues, “It’s from Kes!” Janeway says, “Oh, well you can tell Kes to kiss my rosy red ass. I’m still mad at her about that whole ‘Fury’ thing...”

Chakotay winks, “Rosy, huh?” Janeway replies, “You’ll never know, Chakotay...”

Tuvok then says, “But Captain, she says she has valuable information that might get us back to Earth!” Janeway sighs, “Very well... Put the old wench on screen.”

Kes appears on screen. Janeway smiles, “Kes! How are you, my dear?” Kes replies, “Captain, you forget I have telepathic powers. So I’d like to point out that you’re a bigger wench than I could ever be.”

Janeway says, “Noted.”

Kes then says, “But I’m still going to help you get your crew home. All I ask is for you to reunite me with my beloved Neelix!” Chakotay pipes up, “Oh, sorry Kes. Neelix was brutally murdered by a serial killer...” Janeway stuffs an apple in Chakotay’s mouth and says, “Don’t mind him, Kes. You know Chakotay’s completely clueless. I’ll be glad to reunite you with Neelix!”

Paris looks at Chakotay with the apple in his mouth and says, “Hey, let’s have a luau!”

Kes says, “Very well, Captain. You let me talk to Neelix and then I’ll share my information.” With that, the transmission terminates. Tuvok says, “Captain. How could you make that promise? You know that Neelix is quite dead.” Janeway replies, “Oh, I remember. That was a killer party we had. But Kes won’t help us if she realizes Neelix is dead. So go grab the Doctor’s mobile emitter. We’re going to create a Holographic Neelix!”

Two hours later... Mr. Kim returns to the Bridge with a Holo-Neelix...

Janeway says, “Very good, Ensign! He looks just like Neelix!” Kim replies, “Don’t count your chickens before they cross the road, Captain. I only had two hours to create him. I’m afraid he’s not too verbally sophisticated.” Janeway says, “Hmmmm... Let’s give it a try.”

Janeway turns to Holo-Neelix and says, “Good morning, Mr. Neelix.”

Holo-Neelix replies, “Hello. I am Neelix.”

Janeway says, “I know this already. How are you feeling today?” Holo-Neelix replies, “Let’s go play!” Janeway says, “Neelix, you’ve not answered my question! How are you feeling?” Holo-Neelix replies, “Read me a story.” Janeway shouts, “Answer me, damn you!” Holo-Neelix then says, “I love you.” Janeway growls in Kim’s direction, “What’s going on, Mr. Kim??”

Kim grows defensive and says, “I told you, I only had two hours!” Janeway replies, “Well, it reminds me of that stupid Chatty Kathy doll I had as a child!” Paris then says, “No kidding? A Kathy more chatty than you?”

Janeway sighs, “Well, I guess this Holo-Neelix will have to do... Hail Kes again!”

Kes appears on the viewscreen again and sees Neelix. Kes smiles, “Oh my Neelix! How I have missed you!” Holo-Neelix replies, “Let’s go play!” Kes blushes, “Neelix, you naughty boy!” Holo-Neelix then says, “Uh-oh. I think I need a diaper change...” Kes replies, “Neelix, I told you seven years ago that I’m not into the kinky stuff!” Holo-Neelix says, “I love you.” Kes smiles, “Awwwww...”

Janeway interrupts, “Are you happy now, Kes? I told you Neelix was just fine. Now will you tell us what you know?”

Kes replies, “Very well. You see, about two years after our first Caretaker died and Voyager left the Ocampa Homeworld, another Caretaker showed up... To resume the task of taking care of us.” Janeway gasps, “Another Caretaker! Does he have his own array?” Kes answers, “No, he’s got a two-bedroom townhouse, what the hell do you think?”

Janeway growls, “If you didn’t have the upper hand, Kes, you’d be bleeding right now after such sarcasm. But I digress. Do you think this new Caretaker would use the array to send us back to the Alpha Quadrant?” Kes answers, “Couldn’t hurt to ask.” Janeway smiles, “Thank you very much, Kes!” The transmission terminates Janeway turns to Paris and says, “Set a course for the Ocampa Homeworld. Maximum warp!” Chakotay asks, “Just so I’m in sync with you all... Maximum warp is a little faster than minimum warp, right?”

Meanwhile... On the Relativity...

Seska announces, “Captain Braxton! I’ve located Voyager. It’s on a course to the Ocampa Homeworld!” Braxton’s voice booms, “Excellent work, my dear. Set a course to intercept!” Suddenly, Captain Ransom announces, “Captain, we are still badly damaged. We must make repairs!” Braxton replies, “Damn! Well, take us into that nearby nebula so we can make the repairs.” Seska gripes, “Just a minute! Why is it we always have to make repairs in a nebula? I mean, it’s a nebula for crying out loud... Not the House of Mufflers and Brakes!”

Braxton growls, “Keep it up Seska, and you won’t look Bajoran or Cardassian anymore!”

With that, Relativity enters the nebula to make repairs...

Meanwhile... Voyager approaches the new array...

Janeway puts the array on the viewscreen and says, “Wow. Isn’t that a sight for sore eyes!” Paris replies, “Yes. And you, Captain Janeway, are a sore for sight eyes.”

Janeway says, “Tuvok, hail the Array!”

A voice responds, “Hello. You’ve reached the Caretaker’s Array. For extra water in your underground dwellings, please press ‘1’. To arrange for a ship to be pulled from the Badlands, press ‘2’. To be invited to my holographic hoe-down, press ‘3’. Otherwise, please continue to wait for the next available Caretaker...”

Janeway bellows, “Damn! This may take a while!”

Tuvok then says, “Captain! I’ve located the Relativity! They’ve stopped in a nearby nebula to make repairs. When they finish, they’ll be able to erase us from the timeline!” Janeway replies, “Double damn! Well we can’t just leave. Not when we’re this close to contacting the Caretaker. But we have to deal with the Relativity threat.” Janeway pauses for a moment and then adds, “I’ve got it! Mr. Paris... You take Lt. Torres in the shuttlecraft and head for the nebula. Your orders are to destroy that timeship!” Paris gasps, “Why me? That mission is impossible!”

Janeway replies, “Thank you, Mr. Phelps. But you wanna know why I’m sending you? Four words: ‘Sore for sight eyes.’”

Paris replies, “Ouch! Sorry about that! Very well... I’ll get cracking.”

Moments later, Paris and Torres blast off in the Delta Flyer... Headed for the nebula.

Janeway turns to Tuvok, “That Caretaker still not responding?” Tuvok replies, “I’m afraid not... Wait! He’s responding now!” The Caretaker appears on screen and says, “What can I do for you?” Janeway answers, “Please. You must help us! We come from a planet 75,000 light years away. And we need you to send us home!”

The Caretaker replies, “I wish I could. But I have very little time left...”

Janeway gasps, “Oh God! Don’t tell me that you are dying, too!” The Caretaker replies, “Of course not! I mean I only have a little bit of time before lunch hour.” Janeway growls, “Well, screw lunch hour! I want you to send us home... now!!” The Caretaker then says, “Well, since you asked so nicely, how could I possibly refuse? Very well... I’ll get started on the calculations at once.” Janeway smiles, “What a guy!”

Suddenly Tuvok panics, “Captain! There is an entire fleet of Borg ships jumping out of transwarp. They’re in this sector... 47 ships!” Janeway says, “So? We can handle 47 Borg ships in our sleep!”

Suddenly, a voice comes over the intercom, “I am Locutus of Borg. I am the new leader of the Borg. We are the new and improved, un-ruined Borg. We’re talking First Contact, ‘Best of Both Worlds’ Borg.”

Janeway gasps, “We’re dead meat! Mr. Tuvok... Activate the cloaking device!” Tuvok replies, “Captain... We don’t have a cloaking device.” Janeway says, “Are you sure? You’re telling me Starfleet gave us 200,000 shuttlecraft and not a single cloaking device? Very well... Hide us on the far side of the Ocampa Homeworld...”

The crew overhears as the Borg hail the Caretaker’s Array, “We are the Borg. You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile.”

The Caretaker responds, “No! You must not do this! I have to care for the Ocampa... They’re children!”

The Borg reply, “We are the Borg. We don’t give a rat’s ass about the Ocampa.”

With that, the lead Borg ship starts firing mercilessly on the Array. Janeway says to her crew, “This is terrible!” Chakotay replies, “I know! Here we are hiding on the far side of the planet and we’re missing the really cool phaser battle!” Janeway belts Chakotay on the mouth and says, “Not that... you pedantic drone! Do you realize what will happen if the Borg assimilate the Caretaker’s Array?”

Tuvok gasps, “My God, you’re right! If the Borg get their hands on that technology, they’ll be able to pull any ships they want into this quadrant. This could be the undoing of the Federation!!”

Janeway replies, “Well, that’s true, too. But I’m most worried that if the Borg control the array... The Borg would never use the technology to send us home. The Borg aren’t really too friendly, you know.” Chakotay agrees, “I know. All these battles with them... And not once did they bring us brunch.”

Meanwhile... on the Delta Flyer...

Paris says, “We are approaching the Relativity’s nebula. I wonder how we could possibly defeat them?” Torres says, “Hmmmm. Computer: Please state any alternatives we have to successfully destroy the Relativity.”

The computer responds, “There are four possibilities. You could ram into the Relativity with the Delta Flyer, that would destroy them. Or, number two, you could beam the entire crew of the Relativity into space. Number three, you could simply attack the Relativity and hope for the best. And finally, you could use your console to order Relativity to lower their shields. But that’s been done already.”

Paris says, “Hmmmm. A lot of choices. Computer: Please eliminate two of the answers... Leaving one incorrect answer, as well as the correct answer.” The computer replies, “This isn’t Who Wants to be a Millionaire?, Mr. Paris.”

Suddenly, Torres lets out an ear-shattering scream, “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh!

Paris turns to Torres and says, “Problem?” Torres replies, “I think I’m going into labor!” Paris asks, “What? Are you pregnant or something?” Torres growls, “Well, I only told you about 500 times. Haven’t you even noticed?” Paris replies, “Well... I did notice you putting on weight... But I just thought it was a Maquis thing.” Torres then gasps, “Oh God! My water is about to break! Do you realize what this means?”

Paris answers, “Yes. You’re going to ruin the carpet!”

Torres growls, “No! I mean I’m going to have this baby right now!”

Paris sighs, “So, I guess I wasted my money buying that home pregnancy test yesterday afternoon...”

Meanwhile... Back on Voyager...

Tuvok monitors the battle and says, “The Caretaker is being very heavily damaged. The chances of him surviving this battle are extremely low.” Kim asks, “Is it too late to change my bet?” Janeway says, “Well, we can’t just sit idly by and let this happen! We have to take on the Borg!” Tuvok warns, “Are you crazy? We couldn’t possibly prevail against 47 Borg ships!” Janeway grins, “Oh, I think we can. All we need is yet another virus. If we download it into one of the Borg ships, then all the ships will be disabled.”

At that moment, The Doctor enters the bridge and says, “Don’t worry, Captain! I’ve already been working on that option. And I’ve developed the perfect virus... Rubella!!”

Chakotay says, “I think I used to date a woman named Rubella...” Janeway says, “He means the German measles, you idiot!” Chakotay says, “I didn’t realize the Doctor was German.”

Janeway grabs the virus from the Doctor and says, “Okay, everybody. We have to infiltrate the Borg ship and release the virus. Chakotay, Kim and Tuvok... You’re with me.”

Seven asks, “Well, who I am with?” Janeway says, “I’m leaving you here on Voyager. I want you to be in command until I get back.”

Seven is shocked, “Me... In command?? I never dreamt in a million years that I’d get this opportunity! I don’t know if I’m prepared for this. Computer: Activate the Emergency Command Seven of Nine!” With that, Seven’s catsuit disappears and a red Starfleet uniform appears in its place... And four pips magically appear on Seven’s collar.

The Doctor rolls his eyes, “Oh, how original...”

With that, Janeway, Tuvok, Kim and Chakotay head to the transporter room...

Meanwhile... In the Delta Flyer’s maternity ward...

Mr. Paris puts B’Elanna’s legs up in the stirrups. He stares at her for a moment and says, “Hmmmm... I find myself strangely aroused...” Torres screams, “Shut up already! Now get over here! Get ready to catch this thing as it falls out of my body!!” Paris asks, “We are still talking about the baby, right?” Torres yells, “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh!! I have never experienced this much pain in my entire life!”

Paris sighs, “Oh, B’Elanna... I can only imagine how terrible the pain is...” Torres replies, “You’re going to find out soon enough, pal! You’re getting castrated as soon as we get back to Voyager!”

Paris takes a peek and says, “Okay... I see the head! Just go ahead and push. Be a good pusher and push!”

Suddenly (pop) the baby is born. Torres sighs, “Oh, thank God! I’m never going to go through that again!” Paris smiles proudly, “It’s a little girl! Do you think I should cut this umbilical cord?” Torres replies, “No, Paris... I want to spend the rest of my life with this baby hanging between my legs...” Paris beams, “I am so very happy. Nothing could ruin this moment...”

Just then the computer interrupts, “Red Alert! The Relativity is on an intercept course!”

Torres shouts, “Tom... Quickly! Put up one of those ‘BABY ON BOARD’ stickers. Maybe that will deter them from firing at us!”

But it’s too late... the Relativity fires some sort of powerful temporal beam at the Delta Flyer. A few moments later (WHAMMO), Torres and Paris find themselves at an earlier time frame...

Paris says, “We are approaching the Relativity’s nebula. I wonder how we could possibly defeat them?” Torres says, “Wait a minute! We already had this conversation!” Paris agrees, “You’re right! The Relativity must have thrown us into some kind of repeating time loop!”

Suddenly Torres bellows, “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh!

Paris gasps, “Dude! Of all the events to be reliving over and over and over... You get stuck with childbirth!” Torres cries, “Oh, shut up and get me back into the stirrups!”

Meanwhile... Tuvok, Janeway, Chakotay and Kim beam aboard the Borg ship...

Hundreds of Borg drones walk right past them. Kim panics, “Are you sure this is a good idea?” Janeway answers, “Yes. As long as the Borg don’t see us as a threat, they will ignore us.” Tuvok says, “Yeah right! We’re just walking around with four phaser rifles and a deadly virus... And they don’t consider us a threat??” Janeway says, “Don’t ask me... I say we just go with it.”

Chakotay rushes over to one Borg drones and says, “Hey! Don’t you people even know we are here to download a virus that will destroy you all!” The drone continues to walk past Chakotay. Chakotay smiles, “Damn... This is fun!” Janeway screams, “Stop it, Chakotay! We’ve got a lot of work to do!”

The four make their way to the ship’s central computer network. Kim asks, “Okay, here we are. Where should we put the virus?” Janeway answers, “Try the A: drive.” With that, the virus is uploaded into the Borg Collective. The Borg computer says, “Warning: Virus has been uploaded into 47 Borg ships.”

Janeway giggles, “Hee-hee. I love it!” The Borg computer adds, “Prepare to self-destruct all 47 ships...”

Janeway pauses, “Uh-oh...”

Meanwhile... Back on the Delta Flyer...

B’Elanna screams, “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh!” Paris replies, “Good work. You’ve given birth... again.” B’Elanna moans, “How many is that now... eight?” Paris answers, “Ten.”

Suddenly (WHAMMO!) The Delta Flyer is thrown back to the beginning of the time loop again...

B’Elanna screams, “Aaaaaaaaaah!!” Paris sighs, “Here we go again...” B’Elanna whines, “Don’t we have any Tylenol on board?”

Meanwhile on the Borg cube...

Janeway panics, “We only have a few minutes until this ship explodes!” Tuvok quickly hails Voyager, “Tuvok to Seven of Nine, please respond.” No response. Tuvok tries again, “Hey... Seven!! Are you hearing me or what?”

Meanwhile... on Voyager...

Seven is already on the communications channel saying, “That’s right, Aunt Margie, Captain Janeway left me in charge of the whole ship while she’s gone!” Aunt Margie replies, “Wow! Your parents would be sooooo proud. I mean, if they weren’t dead.” Suddenly, a clicking sound briefly interrupts the conversation. Aunt Margie says, “Uh-oh. Sounds like call-waiting.”

Seven shrugs, “Ah, I wouldn’t worry about it. If it’s important they’ll call back. Now where was I? Oh yes! If you’re impressed about me being temporary captain, wait until you hear about these outstanding boobs of mine...”

Back on the Borg ship...

Janeway says, “Damn! I still can’t contact Seven! That’s okay. We’ll simply beam ourselves back on Voyager.” Tuvok says, “Captain, that’s quite impossible. Voyager has its shields up... Therefore nothing can be beamed aboard.” Janeway growls, “Great!! Two days out of the year we remember that we can’t beam through the shields... And they just have to make today one of those days!”

Tuvok says, “Wait! I think some of the Borg are transporting over to the Caretaker’s Array. That must mean the array wouldn’t be damaged by the Borg’s destruction.” Janeway says, “Good work, Tuvok! Beam us all over to the array. I have a feeling we’re in for the ultimate showdown with the Borg!”

With that, Janeway, Tuvok, Chakotay and Kim are beamed to the array. Janeway looks around and says, “Cripes! We’ve found ourselves back in the Caretaker’s ridiculous hoe-down holoprogram!”

Chakotay grins, “Hey Captain... Instead of a showdown with the Borg, we got a hoe-down with the Borg... A ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Woo-woo-hoo!! Ha ha!” Janeway screams, “Stop!

Tuvok begins investigating the area. He then says, “Captain... I have found Locutus. He’s over on the porch swing having a glass of lemonade.”

Janeway and her crew grab their phaser rifles and approach Locutus. Janeway looks at Locutus and says, “You’ve reached the end of the line, Locutus. It’s time to pay the piper. Time to cash in your chips. Time to throw in the towel. Time to quit while you’re ahead. Time to...” Locutus interrupts, “I get the point, you cliché-obsessed cow!” With that, Janeway fires her phaser rifle and turns Locutus and his drones into a puddle of cybernetic goo. Janeway gloats, “Victory is mine!!”

Just then, several explosions rock the Caretaker’s Array. Things start malfunctioning like crazy. Janeway asks, “What the hell is going on??”

Tuvok replies, “The Borg ships must have just been destroyed.” Kim whines, “Captain! You said the array wouldn’t feel the effects of the destruction!” Janeway gripes, “Okay, so I was wrong! It does happen. Once every twenty years I make a mistake...” Tuvok asks, “Once every twenty years? That’s how often you get laid, right Chakotay?”

Chakotay replies, “HA! I wish!”

Meanwhile... On the Delta Flyer...

B’Elanna screams “Aaaaaaaaaaaah!” With that, yet another baby pops out! Tom smiles, “That’s 36 now! We can start up four different baseball teams!”

Suddenly (WHAMMO!) the Delta Flyer finds itself back at the beginning of the time loop... Yet again! B’Elanna screams, “That’s it! I’ve had it! Is there anyway to break this loop?” Tom answers, “Yeah. But it would require a burst from the warp core... and the warp core is malfunctioning.”

At this point, B’Elanna climbs out of the stirrups, grabs a very very large stick and starts beating the warp core like crazy, “Work, damn you!” Tom says, “B’Elanna... You did it! The warp core is back online!”

With that, Tom activates the burst and they are broken free from the time loop. B’Elanna sees the Relativity on sensors and says, “There they are... Kill them!!” So Paris launches a few hundred torpedoes and the Relativity is very badly damaged. Torres screams, “I know this is always Janeway’s line, but.... Report!!” Paris answers, “The Relativity has been disabled. The crew of the Relativity are being burned to death in a terrible fire!”

B’Elanna smiles, “Oh really? Burned to death, huh? That’s got to be painful. So I say we put them into a repeating time loop!”

Paris activates a temporal beam and sends the Relativity into a time loop from which they will never escape. Tom turns to Torres and says, “B’Elanna, you are sick. Sick, sick, sick, sick, sick!!”

B’Elanna replies, “I know... Now come kiss me, you poet!”

Tom says, “Wait! What about these 36 newborn babies we have?” B’Elanna answers, “I think we can just integrate them into one being.” Tom asks, “Won’t that make for a very very very large baby?” B’Elanna replies, “Probably. But all babies have baby fat. Eventually that goes away as they get older.”

Tom says, “I dunno. That didn’t seem to be the case with Chakotay...”

But Tom puts aside his doubts and successfully integrates the 36 newborns into a single baby. And moments later, they set a course back to Voyager...

Meanwhile... Back on the Array...

The Caretaker whines, “The destruction of the Borg ships has mortally wounded me. I think I’m about to buy the farm.” Chakotay asks, “You don’t own this farm already? Are you just renting it right now?” The Caretaker continues, “But I must destroy this array or else the Borg might someday get their hands on it. Unfortunately, the self-destruct has been damaged. I can’t possibly destroy the Array.”

Janeway says, “Sucks to be you. Now just point us the way to the controls that will send us home.” Tuvok chides, “Captain... That’s not very Starfleet of you.” Janeway agrees, “You’re right. We should destroy the Array ourselves, leaving us stranded deep in the Delta Quadrant.... again.”

Tuvok says, “Whoa, wait a minute. I didn’t say that!” Janeway asks, “So what did you mean?”

Tuvok explains, “We have enough explosives to blow this Array to a billion pieces. We can send Voyager back to the Alpha Quadrant. But somebody will have to stay behind and activate the explosives. Unfortunately, whoever that person is will be killed.”

Janeway suddenly says, “I nominate Chakotay!”

Tuvok says, “I second the nomination.”

Kim says, “All in favor?”

Janeway, Tuvok and Kim all raise their hands. Janeway says, “Voting is over. Congratulations, Chakotay. You’ve been chosen to stay behind.”

Suddenly, Seven pages Janeway and says, “Captain... Can you hear me?” Janeway says, “Yes! Where the hell have you been? We’ve been trying to get hold of you forever. We’re you tying up the phone lines?” Seven replies, “Um.... Of course not. I was in the potty...”

Janeway says, “Very well. Just beam Tuvok, Kim and I back to Voyager. Chakotay is going to stay behind and destroy the Array.” Seven says, “Sounds good!” With that, Tuvok, Kim and Janeway are beamed back to Voyager.

At that moment, the Delta Flyer returns to Voyager. Torres, Paris and their baby are brought back to Voyager’s bridge.

Janeway says, “Very good. We’re all here now. Tuvok, go ahead and activate the Caretaker’s beam!”

With that... Tuvok hits the button and they find themselves back in the Alpha Quadrant... finally!

Meanwhile... Just as the Array explodes, Chakotay utters his poignant final words, “Aaaaaaaaah!

A few days later... The Voyager crew is finally reunited with their loved ones.

Seven comes face to face with her Aunt Margie. Aunt Margie gives her a big hug, smiles at Seven and says, “You weren’t kidding about these boobs!”

Harry Kim finally reunites with his parents. His mother embraces him and says, “Oh Harry, how I’ve missed you! Wait... Maybe I should be calling you Commander Kim, huh?” Harry replies, “Commander?” Mrs. Kim continues, “Yeah. Surely you’ve made Commander by now?” Harry sulks, “Um... No... I’m still an Ensign.” Mr. Kim spits in Harry’s face and says, “An Ensign for seven years... You disgust me. You get your things out of my house... tonight! And don’t forget that stupid clarinet!”

B’Elanna has a reunion with her father. Mr. Torres says, “Oh B’Elanna. How I have missed you! There’s so many things we need to catch up on. I want to make things right by you. What do you say we go camping this weekend?” B’Elanna scoffs, “Oh yeah... That turned out so beautifully the last time.”

Tom is reunited with his father, Admiral Paris. Tom shows Admiral Paris his new baby daughter. Admiral Paris looks at the baby and says, “Oh... She’s so beautiful. But you’re sure you are the father, right?” Tom growls, “Of course I am!!” Admiral Paris, “I dunno. Might want to go for the DNA test. She looks like the kind of chick who gets around...”

Tuvok is reunited with his wife, Mrs. Tuvok. Mrs. Tuvok screams, “What the hell do you mean you had sex with a hologram during your pon farr??” Tuvok whimpers, “But sweetie... You don’t understand. It was a hologram of you!” Mrs. Tuvok growls, “Yeah, right! You can expect to hear from my attorney!”

Finally, Captain Janeway finishes her briefing with Starfleet Command. After she exits the meeting, she finds herself face to face with her old fiancé, Mark. Janeway smiles, “Oh, Mark! You came all this way to welcome me back?? I just knew that once you heard I was alive, you’d divorce that new bride of yours and come back to me! I just knew it!” Mark says, “Hold it, Kathryn! I just came here to give you back your damn dog. The mutt has been peeing on my carpet for the last seven years!” Janeway says, “Oh... Thanks...”

Six months later...

“Captain’s Log: Six months later. After shifting the blame of all my Prime Directive violations on to the now-deceased Chakotay, I am once again the captain of Voyager. My crew has gladly returned to my ship. Well actually, only the Doctor has returned to my ship... And that was only after I erased his memories of me. The rest of my crew has slapped me with restraining orders, I must keep at least five light-years distance from them at all times. I say to hell with them. I am very anxious to meet my new crew...”

Janeway finishes her log entry and heads to the Bridge. When she arrives she meets her new bridge crew. Only one of them looks familiar... It’s Mr. Worf! Janeway smiles, “Worf!! What are you doing here?” Worf replies, “I was at the Manzar Colony....” Janeway says, “Yeah... And?”

Worf continues, “And now I’m here!”

Janeway says, “Oh okay. Good.”

Janeway then turns to her crew and says, “It’s now time to get under way. Let’s see what’s out there. Second star to the right, and straight on till morning! It’s time to boldly go where no man has gone before! There are always possibilities, Spock said. The sky’s the limit... Engage!”

Janeway finishes her long-winded speech and notices her bridge crew has fallen asleep. She screams, “Engage!!!

The crew is startled awake.

Janeway says to herself, “Pedantic drones....”

Fade to black...


(Yes, really!)