Episode 8: “A Recruiting We Will Go, Part III”

Written by “Krenim”

Published April 19, 2000

“Captain’s Log. If A leads to B, and B leads to C...”

“I’ve had enough of your technobabble! Just get on with the log entry!”

“Alright, alright... Now that I and my two other evil temporal clones are now in charge of the Excelsior, Rand and Valtane have rounded up some good candidates for our own crew. Soon, revenge will be ours!”

The Braxton Bunch, Rand, and Valtane stood in the Excelsior’s ready room. Rand, with a PADD in her hand, had the job of introducing the new senior staff to the Braxtons. “Sir, with what funds we have, I was able to scrape together a pretty decent crew.”

Old Captain Braxton nodded. “Very well. Bring them in one at a time, so that the dramatic tension will heighten.”

“Very well, I’d like to introduce you to your new first officer: Dark Helmet from Spaceballs!”

The doors opened, and Dark Helmet entered. Old Old Psycho Braxton was skeptical. “What skills does he have?”

“Well, if we want to go really really fast, we just have him say ‘Ludicrous speed, go!’”

“Oh... Well, I guess that’s okay. Who’s next?”

“Our new security officer, Hawk!”

Hawk walked in. The Braxtons gasped. “Wow! We got Captain Sisko?”

Hawk slammed his fist into the wall. “I’m not Captain Sisko! I’m Hawk!”

“Okay, okay... You’re Hawk... Who’s next?”

“Our new counselor, Yoda!”

Yoda walked in. The Braxtons gasped again. “Wow! We got Yoda? How?”

“When work you not for 15 years, any job you will take, hmm?”

“Ah... I see your point. Next!”

“Our new Chief Engineer, Inspector Gadget!”

“Inspector Gadget? Cool! With all his implants, we can grab the Seven of Nine demographic! Who else?”

“Our new Chief Medical Officer, Victor Frankenstein!”

“From the book, or the movie?”

“The book.”

“Ah... Okay, that’s fine. Anyone else?”

“Just our new helmsman, Harvey the Wonder Hamster!”

“What?!?! A hamster piloting the ship?!?!”

“He graduated from the Deanna Troi School of Piloting.”

“Oh, well, that’s okay.”

The ready room door then exploded, and a figure jumped into the room. Once the smoke cleared, everyone gasped. “Galvatron?”

Yes, Galvatron was now standing in the middle of the ready room. The Braxtons raised their eyebrows in typical Vulcan fashion. “Hey, wait a minute... Aren’t you way too big to fit in this room?”

“That’s a common misconception. The Transformers weren’t that big, it’s just that the camera was really really close.”

“Oh... Well, what do you want?”

“To join your crew!”

“You’re too late! All our positions have been filled!”

“Not all of them! You still need a guy to stand in the background and yell ‘Bwahahahaha!’ at random intervals!”

“We do?”


“Well, okay... You’re hired! Now, let’s set into motion our new evil plan to destroy the Relativity!”

Back on the Relativity, Jadzia stepped off the turbolift onto the bridge. She took a look around, and her gaze locked on Gul Dukat. “Hey! It’s you! You’re that guy... You know... That bad guy... That did that thing...”

Braxton rolled his eyes. “Elmo?”

“Yeah, Elmo!” With that, Jadzia started strangling Gul Dukat. It took the entire senior staff to get her off of him.

Braxton held Jadzia back. “You can’t kill him! He’s our Chief Engineer!”

“I don’t care!”

“He’s a fellow crew member!”

“I don’t care!”

“He works cheap!”

“Well... Okay, I’ll let him live... For now...”

Everyone went back to their stations, and Braxton gave Sulu the order to get underway.

Psst... Hey, Sulu! Push me!

“Give it up. I’m not going to push you.”

Well, if you won’t, I’ll get someone else to push me!

“No one’s going to push you, Mysterious Red Button, so just shut up!”

Sulu then punched in the temporal coordinates, and the Relativity vanished into the timestream...

To Be Continued...

UPN Promo:

Next time, on Star Trek: Series ?, as the Relativity and the Excelsior battle each other for the fate of the timeline, the Mysterious Red Button sets in motion its own evil plan!