Episode 9: “The Beautiful Candy-Like Button”

Written by “Krenim”

Published April 22, 2000

“Captain’s Log: Bwahahahaha!”

“Galvatron! Get out of my chair!”

“Aw... Fine, see if I care!”

“Captain’s Log: We, the evil crew of the evil Excelsior, are evilly going to do evil battle with the not-so-evil Relativity.”

Valtane looked up from his console. “Sir, we’re only 4.7 minutes from dropping out of the timestream at the Relativity’s time-space location.”

Old Captain Braxton grinned evilly. “Excellent...”

Yoda poked Old Captain Braxton with his cane. “Braxton you are. Mr. Burns you are not.”

“Aw... Well, we have to end this scene with an evil transition, so I guess its good that we have Galvatron...”


Meanwhile, back on the not-so-evil Relativity...

Jadzia looked up from her console. “Sir, there’s a thing approaching us.”

“Why is everything we don’t understand always called a ‘thing’?”

Kes thwacked Braxton. “You’re a captain, not a doctor!” Realizing what she just said, she then thwacked herself.

Braxton turned to Jadzia. “What kind of a thing is approaching?”

“You know, a thing... Like this thing... That we’re in...”

“A ship?”

“Yeah, a ship! A ship is approaching!”

“Ah. Onscreen.”

Jadzia stared at her console for a minute until Yar came over and pointed out the button clearly marked “Onscreen.” The Excelsior, traveling through time, appeared.

Sulu pointed at the screen. “Hey, it’s my ship! And it’s hailing us!”

“They are? I just had the windshield replaced last week!”

“Isn’t that joke getting rather old, sir?”

“It’s not ‘old’, Sulu, it’s a ‘classic.’”


“Anyway, answer their hail.”

The Excelsior bridge came onscreen. The Relativity crew was in shock. Braxton stood up. “Hey, how did you guys get Galvatron to fit on the Excelsior bridge?”

Ducane poked Braxton’s shoulder. “Uh, sir... Shouldn’t you be surprised that the Braxton Bunch has joined forces with the Excelsior crew?”

“Well, yes, but look! Galvatron fits on their bridge!”


“Oh, all right... Hey! My evil temporal clones are in control of the Excelsior!”

Old Captain Braxton sneered. “Yes, my not-so-evil original self! And in mere moments, we shall drop out of temporal space and beat the Relativity to a pulp!”


With that, the Excelsior ended communication. Captain Braxton thought for a moment. “Well, I guess there’s only one thing we can do...”

Ducane said, “Go to the Battle Bridge, sir?”

“No, I was going to say... Wait! We have a Battle Bridge?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Cool! Alright, everyone except Elmo will report to the Battle Bridge at once!”

“Why leave Dukat here, sir?”

“It’s a plot device, Ducane. Just live with it.”

So, everyone except Gul Dukat left the bridge. Dukat, not knowing what he was supposed to do, just stood in the middle of the bridge.

Psst... Hey you...

Back on the evil Excelsior...

Rand thought of something. “Uh, sir?”


“Now, this is a 23rd Century ship, right?”


“And they have a 29th Century ship, right?”

“Right. What’s your point?”

“So, won’t they be able to defeat us rather easily?”

“Nah... I’m sure 23rd Century technology is every bit as good as 29th Century technology...”

Back on the Relativity’s main bridge...

“Who said that?”

I did!

“And you are...?”

The big red button on Sulu’s console!

“Oh? What do you want?”

Push me!

“I don’t think I should... Captain Braxton said I shouldn’t push any talking buttons...”

I order you to push me!

“And who are you to order me about?”

I’m... Uh... Uh... A pagh-wraith!

“Isn’t that spelled ‘pah-wraith’?”

You say potato...


No, you imbecile! I didn’t mean for you to say ‘potato’! I meant the difference is trivial!


Anyway, as your evil lord and master, I order you to push me!

Meanwhile, back on the Relativity’s Battle Bridge...

Yar looked up from her console. “Sir, the Excelsior has dropped out of the timestream. Their shields are raised and their weapons are charged.”

The two ships exchanged a volley of fire.

Back on the Excelsior...

“Sisko, what’s our situation?”

“I’m not Sisko! I’m Hawk!”

“You say potato...”


“No, you idiot... Never mind... What’s our situation?”

“Our shields are down to 0.000001%, and the Relativity’s shields are down to 99.999999%.”

“Darn! Who would have thought six centuries would make such a difference?”

Back on the Relativity’s main bridge...

“How do I know you’re a pah-wraith?”

Well, I’m a red button, aren’t I?

“So you’re a button possessed by a pah-wraith?”

Uh... Sure...

“Okay. I’ll push you!”

So Dukat pushed the Mysterious Red Button, and the Relativity vanished...

To Be Continued...

UPN Promo:

Next time, on Star Trek: Series ?, the Relativity finds itself in the most evil place in existence, while the Excelsior goes to visit someone familiar to beef up their arsenal...