Episode 100: The Final Excelsior Battle (Really), Part II

Written by “Krenim”

Published December 3, 2003

Last time on Star Trek: Series ?, the Relativity answered... You know what? If you’re reading this, you probably already read Part I. So why am I even bothering to recap when the next episode is a recap anyway?

Captain Braxton narrowly dodged Janeway’s lightsaber attack. He then fired his phaser rifle at Janeway several more times, but the evil commander of the evil Excelsior managed to deflect the beam every time. Braxton’s jaw dropped. “That’s not fair! Don’t I get a lightsaber?”

Janeway grinned evilly. “The great part about being a villain is that I don’t play fair!”

Braxton looked around for something he could use to his advantage. Beside him was a large button on the wall labeled, “Push for Matrix special effects.” Braxton grinned himself as he pushed the button.

It’s was Janeway’s turn for her jaw to drop. “Crud.”

Braxton ran in slow-motion on the wall, firing his rifle again at Janeway...

Kes ran down one of the Relativity’s hallways to try to hold back one of the evil boarding parties of the evil Excelsior. She rounded a corner and went out off-camera for a few seconds. She was then promptly thrown back on-camera and crashed into a bulkhead, quite singed.

Around the corner was Yoda, who was preparing to unleash another bolt of Force lightning. “Pass me you will not!”

Kes slowly got to her feet. “You picked the wrong counselor to mess with, you little green gnome!”

Kes’ eyes began glowing and she started walking towards Yoda. As she went, bulkheads began exploding behind her. Yoda let loose with Force lightning, but Kes was prepared this time. She simply swatted the energy aside and continued to advance...

Sulu led several nameless Relativity crewmembers down another corridor. All of a sudden, he came to screeching halt. Those following Sulu crashed into him, almost knocking him down.

Several meters in front of Sulu was Harvey the Wonder Hamster. Harvey squeaked something incoherently.

Sulu laughed. “Me against a hamster? This is going to be too easy...”

Harvey made a tremendous leap and latched onto Sulu’s face. Sulu ran around in panic screaming like a little girl. “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Get it off! Get it off!”

The nameless crewmembers couldn’t help but snicker...

Rand and Valtane had stopped at one of the Relativity’s computer terminals. Valtane was working at the terminal while Rand watched over his shoulder. “Found it yet?”

Valtane sighed. “Nope.”

“Do they even have it?”

“Maybe not. I mean, they don’t really have much of a reason to.”

They were interrupted by Dax, who just showed up. “Get away from that terminal! You won’t sabotage this ship!”

Valtane turned around to face Dax. “Actually, we were just looking for our theme song. Janeway encrypted it on the Excelsior, so we haven’t been able to listen to it much. But sabotage is a good idea, too!”

“I won’t let you!”

“You won’t have any choice... When you’re dead!”

Dax and Valtane ran up to each other, and began flailing their arms at each other ineffectually Dexter-and-Mandark style.

Rand sighed. “Well, what else did you expect from two science officers?”

Xaronna, still packing the massive weaponry from several episodes ago, showed up. “You’ll never take me alive, Excelsior scum! Wait, I don’t want to die. You’ll never take me dead!”

Her voice trailed off as she observed the absolutely pathetic fight taking place. “This is just sad...”

Rand nodded in agreement. “Yeah... This could take a while. So... You wanna fight? I mean, there’s no communications officer on the Relativity.”

“Nah, not really. How about I replicate a bag of popcorn and we just stand around watching these two be sissies?”

“Sounds good to me.”

“Get it off! Get it off!”

Dukat sneered. “The circle is now complete. When I met you, I was but the learner. Now I am the master!”

Damar thought for a second. “Wait, weren’t you the master to begin with?”

“Oh yeah. I guess that’s your line then.”

“When I met you, I was but the learner. Now I am the master!”

“No, this still isn’t right. If we’re talking about evil, then you’re not the master. I am.”

“Okay, how about this...”

“Save me from this fuzzy fate!”

Ducane kept shooting at Dark Helmet, but every shot just bounced harmlessly off his gigantic helmet.

Dark Helmet laughed evilly. “Watch as I now use the power of the Schwartz to break your mind!”

Before he could do so, the wall beside Dark Helmet exploded. When the smoke cleared, Dark Helmet and Yoda were knocked out cold. Kes walked through the hole in the wall. “I told you not to mess with me!”

“My face! My beautiful face!”

Janeway furiously swung her lightsaber at Braxton, but he managed to dodge every single time, Neo-style.

Braxton sang (in a sing-song voice), “Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah, Janeway can’t hit me!”

Dr. Frankenstein walked into the Relativity’s sickbay. “I claim this sickbay in the name of me!”

The Doctor appeared in Frankenstein’s way. “Please state the nature of the medical emergency.”

“Medical emergency? There’s no medical emergency.”

The Doctor punched Frankenstein in the face. “Now there is.”

“I can feel his tiny hamster claws slashing away at my skin!”

As Sulu went on (and on and on and on), Ducane and Kes arrived dragging Dark Helmet and Yoda behind them. Ducane took off Dark Helmet’s helmet, took Harvey off of Sulu’s face, and placed the hamster under the helmet.

As Ducane and Kes continued dragging their prisoners towards the brig, Sulu shouted after them, “I was just about to do that!”

The snickering crewmembers exploded with uncontained laughter.

Yar stumbled into Sickbay, covered with ash and actually smoldering. The Doctor ran over and began scanning her with a medical tricorder. “What happened?”

“Well, you know Deck 3?”


“Well, it’s not there anymore.”

“Not there anymore?”

“Hawk and I blew it up.”

“Where’s Hawk?”

On cue, Hawk went floating by one of the windows out in space. The Doctor rolled his eyes. “Doctor to any transporter room. If nobody’s too busy trying to kill anybody else right now, I need an emergency transport.”

Several minutes later, Hawk was chained to a biobed beside Frankenstein. The Doctor was treating Yar, who wondered, “Any word on how everyone else is doing?”

Dax and Valtane continued fighting (well, sort of fighting). Rand and Xaronna had gotten tired of watching them. Rand sighed. “I don’t think this is going to end any time soon.”

Xaronna nodded unhappily. “I think you’re right. Want to go see if there are more interesting fights going on somewhere else?”

“Well, we can’t just leave these two here.”

Xaronna whipped out one of her many phaser rifles and stunned both Dax and Valtane. “There. Now they can’t hurt each other.”

Rand grabbed the popcorn and started walking off. Xaronna then turned the phaser rifle on her and stunned her. “My snack food!”

Ducane, Yar, and Sulu came upon Damar and Dukat, who were both catatonic. Sulu waved his hand in front of both. “What happened to them?”

Ducane sighed. “I’ve seen this before with Captain Braxton. They both confused themselves into submission. Grab them both. We’ll toss Dukat in the brig with these two, then wake up Damar.”

Braxton continued running around the Excelsior’s bridge shooting at Janeway, while she continued to deflect Braxton’s phaser beam. Finally, she managed to deflect the beam in such a way that it struck Braxton in the leg. Braxton fell to the floor, dropping his phaser rifle and clutching his leg in pain. Janeway loomed over Braxton, grinning wickedly. She held the lightsaber above her head. “In memory of the Decepticons... for the glory of the Predacons... for the Cybertron that is rightfully ours... and mine to rule... I unleash the storm of vengence! Farewell!”

“Wrong speech.”

“I know. But it’s too good to use just once.”

Janeway was about to deal the death blow when a swishing sound indicated the doors to the bridge had opened. A familiar voice said, “Drop your weapon.”

Janeway whirled around. “Tuvok! I don’t have time for this! I’m about to get rid of Braxton once and for...”

She was unable to finish her sentence, as she fell to the floor. Behind her, it could be seen that Braxton had gotten a hold of his phaser rifle again and had managed to stun his archenemy from behind. “Thanks for the help.”

Tuvok raised an eyebrow in typical Vulcan fashion. “My pleasure.”

“Captain’s Log: With Janeway and her goons defeated, we have tractored the Excelsior back to Starbase 47.”

Janeway and the rest of the evil crew of the evil Excelsior were being led to the starbase’s detention area by security officers. As they walked by Braxton, Janeway shouted, “I doubt you’ve seen the last of us!”

Braxton held up the episode’s script. “Final battle, remember?”

Janeway muttered curses under her breath as she left. Admiral Picard and Scorpius arrived to meet the Relativity crew. Picard was stunned. “I never thought we’d get our hands on this ship.” Picard looked out the window at the Excelsior. “Scorpius, how long will it take to analyze the subspace drive and install one on the Relativity?”

“I can have it ready by the end of the recap.”

“Excellent. Fix up the Relativity while you’re at it, as it’s in pretty bad shape. If I didn’t know better, I’d even swear it was missing a deck.”

Picard was wheeled away as Yar whistled innocently...

UPN Promo:


Episode 101: “Recap IV: The Recap Home”