“Captain’s Log: We have arrived in the Betelgeuse system responding to a distress signal of unknown origin...”
Dax checked the sensors. “I’m not detecting anything out there, sir.”
“Of course you aren’t, you dolts! You have fallen for my evil trap!”
Braxton responded, “I know that voice... Mom?”
“Not even close!”
The evil Excelsior emerged from subspace directly in front of the Relativity. Janeway’s face came onscreen. “It’s time we settle this conflict once and for all!”
“Yes, you moron! Didn’t you read the title for this episode?”
Braxton quickly whipped out his script for the episode. “‘The Final Excelsior Battle (Really), Part I’? Really?”
“Because we’ve been doing this for years and...”
“Shut up and get to the battling!”
Janeway’s face disappeared, and the evil Excelsior began firing dreaded subspace torpedoes at the Relativity.
The ship shook horribly. Braxton shouted, “Evasive maneuvers, Sulu!”
“Executing evasive maneuvers!”
The Relativity rolled out of the path of the barrage. Yar grinned as she brought her weapons to bear on the Excelsior. “You want some? Come get some!”
Paradox torpedoes shot out from the Relativity and started impacting on the Excelsior’s shields. The evil ship took little damage, as the energy that wasn’t absorbed by the shields was absorbed by the Shadow armor.
Aboard the evil Excelsior, Tuvok looked out his window at the firefight between the two ships. “Logic dictates that with the series finale so close, this must be the final battle between the Relativity and the Excelsior. Yes, really. Therefore, I must put all my knowledge of tactics to use and assist Captain Braxton...”
He went over to his bed, which had a large sign on it which read, “There is no stockpile of weapons that I replicated using a replicator that I don’t have under this bed.” He took several phasers and some body armor out from under it. He put on the body armor and walked over to his locked door...
On the evil bridge of the evil Excelsior, Janeway laughed maniacally. “Die, Braxton, die! Bwahahahaha!”
The computer interrupted her. Intruders among us! Intruders among us!
“What?! They haven’t brought down our shields! How can there be intruders?”
Don’t look at me, chief. But the intruder is making its way to the shield generator.
“Ack! Valtane! Rand! Go take some nameless redshirts and take care of it!”
Valtane’s eyes bugged out. “Us? Why us?”
“Because I just know it was you two that programmed in that stupid intruder alert message! So get going!”
Meanwhile, the Relativity and the evil Excelsior continued to be locked in deadly combat. Paradox torpedoes and subspace torpedoes flew in all directions as both ships tried their best to avoid the other’s weaponry.
Sulu’s fingers flew over his console as he attempted to dodge the bolts of light flying towards them. Unfortunately, he wasn’t totally successful, as the bridge jolted every few seconds. Consoles began exploding. Dax shouted, “Shields down to 12%!”
Braxton shouted back, “Don’t you mean 47%?”
“No, I don’t! If we take much more of this, we’ll lose shields!”
“Status of the Excelsior?”
“Their shields are down to 47%.”
“Hah! I knew there had to be a 47 in there somewhere!”
The ship shook again. Dax shouted, “We’re down to 10%!”
Tuvok continued to make his way towards the evil Excelsior’s evil shield generator, leaving a trail of unconscious evil Excelsior crewmen behind him. As he passed the brig, he heard a voice. “Somebody get me out of here!”
Tuvok stepped into the brig. Behind a forcefield was Zo’or. Tuvok raised an eyebrow in true Vulcan fashion. “Are you in need of assistance?”
“Yes! Those Excelsior clowns locked me away in here!”
“Why did they lock you away?”
“I am to observe this ship for the Vaadwaur and make sure that Janeway has Gorei’s best interests in mind.”
“I see. Well, it would not be logical to let you out, as you are working for the Vaadwaur.”
Before Zo’or could object, Rand and Valtane arrived with their redshirts. Valtane shouted, “Ah ha! So it’s you, Tuvok! You little act of heroism ends... Zo’or? What the heck are you still doing in there?”
“Why do you think? You nitwits put me here!”
“Oops... We should have let you out a couple episodes ago. Silly us.”
Tuvok took advantage of the distraction to stun all the redshirts. He addressed Rand and Valtane. “I would suggest you surrender.”
Rand sighed. “I guess we have no choice but to... run away!”
The duo bolted. While running, Valtane asked, “But shouldn’t we try to stop him before he reaches the shield generator?”
“You’re the science officer and I’m the communications officer. What are we going to do against a heavily armed Vulcan?”
“Good point. Continue running away!”
The Relativity shook again. Dax shouted, “Shields are down!”
Several Excelsior crewmen beamed onto the Relativity bridge and started firing phasers. Yar whipped out several phaser rifles and began firing back. “Take this!”
Dax tried to monitor the situation while avoiding phaser fire. “I’ve got intruder alerts on every deck! They’re going to overwhelm us!”
Tuvok finally arrived at the evil Excelsior’s evil shield generator. He planted an explosive on it and ran around the corner. A few seconds later, a deafening boom and flying debris signaled the generator had been destroyed. Tuvok stood up and said, “I just hope it’s not too late...”
Dax’s eyes went wide. “Sir, I’m reading that the Excelsior’s shields just went offline!”
Braxton, who was hiding behind his chair, shouted, “What? How?”
“I have no idea!”
“Listen to me! I want you to transport me to the Excelsior’s bridge! Janeway and I are going to finish this once and for all!”
Ducane was aghast. “You’re leaving the ship? Wait... That might actually be a good thing. Get going!”
Braxton disappeared in a flash of blue light. Ducane shouted, “We need to split up! Everyone get to where the Excelsior goons are and stop them!”
Braxton reappeared on the evil Excelsior’s evil bridge. The only other person besides him there was Janeway, who was sitting in her chair grinning. “How nice of you to pay me a visit, Captain Braxton. How may I help you?”
Braxton aimed his phaser rifle at Janeway. “You’re going to surrender, Janeway!”
“I’ll do no such thing.”
Braxton pulled the trigger on the rifle. However, a red blade appeared out of nowhere and deflected the beam away. Braxton was furious. “A lightsaber? Where the heck did you get that?”
“I borrowed it off Yoda.”
“I thought Yoda’s lightsaber was green.”
“Funny thing about that... It turns out there’s a little switch that can change the color.” Janeway showed Braxton the switch, which could be toggled between “Jedi” and “Dark Jedi.” She demonstrated by switching the color from red to green and back several times.
Braxton scratched his head. “Well, that’s certainly interesting...”
“Yeah. But now back to business! My crew will soon have control of your vessel, and then with you out of the way, this series will be mine!”
“The series is almost over, Janeway.”
“Well... uh... Then the spin-off will be mine! Mwahahahaha! One shall stand, one shall fall!”
And with that, Janeway leaped forward with her red blade...
THE RELATIVITY CREW AND THE EVIL EXCELSIOR CREW FACE OFF FOR THE LAST TIME!
BRAXTON VS. JANEWAY!
DUCANE VS. DARK HELMET!
SULU VS. HARVEY THE WONDER HAMSTER!
YAR VS. HAWK!
DAX VS. VALTANE!
THE DOCTOR VS. FRANKENSTEIN!
DAMAR VS. DUKAT!
KES VS. YODA!
(And I guess Rand will be somewhere in there)
Episode 100: “The Final Excelsior Battle (Really), Part II”