Episode 104: “Tempus Fugit” (Part 3 of 3, Series Finale!)

Written by “Krenim”

Published December 19, 2003

And so, the Earth was returned to its proper place in the universe. Well, almost...

All over Vulcan, billions of Vulcans stepped outside and looked up. Hanging there, taking up a good chunk of the sky, was the Earth.

Many Vulcans could be heard to be mumbling, “There goes the system...”

Gorei and all the other Vaadwaur were forever trapped in their subspace corridors...

Gorei kneeled before the shadowy form of Future Guy. “I have some bad news, sir...” He then explained everything that had happened.

When Gorei was finished, Future Guy stood silent for a few minutes. Then, he simply sighed and vanished.

Gorei, with big puppy dog eyes, softly asked, “Sir...? Sir...?”

Dark Helmet, Hawk, Yoda, Dr. Frankenstein, and Harvey the Wonder Hamster were crammed in a giant rocket and shot towards the nearest interdimensional portal, which would return them to their own universes...

Dark Helmet sighed. “So I guess this is it, huh?”

Everybody nodded.

“So are we going to say it?”

Dr. Frankenstein grumbled. “We’re not going to say it!”

“Come on! It’s just one time!”

“If we do, will you shut up?”



As the rocket sped off into space, they could be heard to be shouting:

“It looks like Team Excelsior’s blasting off again!”


Elmo Dukat was sentenced to return from whence he came...

Dukat appeared in a blue transporter flash. He didn’t even have time to look around before he began falling. “Oh no! It’s the bottomless pit! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Well, I suppose things could be worse...”

Dukat, my lackey!

Dukat managed to orient himself so that he was facing upwards. Several meters above him was the Mysterious Red Button, which was also falling.

Dukat screamed. “Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Admiral Janeway was sentenced to life on the prison asteroid of Rura Penthe. Zo’or was sentenced to go with her, since returning him to Season 5 of his original show would be considered cruel and unusual punishment...

Janeway and Zo’or arrived at the underground prison complex dressed in warm coats and carrying cups of nice hot coffee. They were quickly approached by two aliens, one of whom was an exotic woman and one of whom was a very large scary guy. The scary guy started speaking in some unknown language.

Janeway rolled her eyes. “We don’t have our universal translators! We don’t understand you!”

The woman translated. “He wants your allegiance to the Brotherhood of Aliens.”

“He’s got it.”

“He also wants your coat.”

“Well, I’ll get cold without it, but I suppose he can have it.”

“And your coffee.”

Janeway’s eyes narrowed. “Zo’or, hold my coffee for me a minute, would you?”

Zo’or took Janeway’s coffee. Janeway let out a Xena-like war cry and began beating the tar out of the aliens...

Evil Braxton continued to be dead...

*Shot of space with the sound of crickets chirping in the background*

Scorpius finally discovered the secret of wormholes. Now he just had to figure out what to do with it...

Scorpius sat behind his desk, staring at the poster he had set up on the other side of the room.

On the poster was written the following:

Step 1: Wormholes
Step 2: ???
Step 3: Profit!

Admiral Picard retired from Starfleet and moved to the Retirement Home for Cranky Old Disembodied Starfleet Admirals...

The cranky old disembodied head of Admiral Picard continued his ranting. “And then there was this time that I almost managed to convince the Federation President to fire Braxton, but then he managed to accidentally save the Earth by crashing his ship into the ocean!”

To which the cranky old disembodied head of Admiral Delfune responded, “That’s nothing! Let me tell you about this guy named Cross...”

And the crew of the Relativity had to say goodbye to an old friend...

On Starbase 47, the doors to the turbolift opened and Captain Hikaru Sulu stepped out. He found the hallway leading to the airlock lined with Relativity crewmen who saluted him as he walked by. By the airlock, he found Ducane, Yar, Dax, Damar, Kes, and the Doctor.

Ducane stepped forward. “Are you ready to go?”

Sulu looked out a window at the Excelsior, which was just outside the airlock. It still had all its enhancements, such as the Shadow armor. “I suppose I am, but it doesn’t look like my ship is...”

Damar whipped out a small object and handed it to Sulu. Sulu looked at it. It was a small device with a single button on it that resembled the Starfleet insignia. “What’s this?”

Ducane explained. “It would take forever to manually restore the ship to its original configuration and wipe the memories of the entire crew. Therefore, Starfleet Command has authorized the use of one of its most powerful temporal tools: The RB3K!”

“The RB3K?”

“The Reset Button 3000! Once you’re on the ship, simply press the button. The ship will be returned to its proper place in history, and all signs that the ship ever travelled through time will be erased.”

Sulu eyed the device for a few seconds, then said softly. “Well, then I guess we’ll be off...”

The senior staff saluted. Ducane smiled and added, “Good luck, Captain Sulu.”

Sulu grinned. “No need to be so formal...”

With a wink, Sulu stepped through the airlock and walked over to the Excelsior. Through a hallway and up a turbolift, he arrived on the ship’s bridge.

Tuvok was already there watching over Rand and Valtane, who were tied to their chairs. The two scowled at Sulu as soon as they saw him.

Sulu made his way to the area in front of the captain’s chair and pondered the device in his hand.


Sulu looked over to Rand. “What?”

“If we’re not going to remember any of the last four years in a few minutes, could you at least grant us one last request?”

“And what would that be?”

“Could we hear our theme song one last time?”



“Well... Fine. Computer, play ‘Rand and Valtane Theme Song.’”

They’re Rand and Valtane!

They’re Rand and Valtane!

One once got fired,
The other’s a pain!

They’re traveling through time,
Soon we’ll end this stupid rhyme!

They’re Rand, they’re Rand and Valtane, Valtane, Valtane, Valtane, Valtane!

With the theme song concluded, Sulu took one last look around, and then he pressed the button.

Temporal distortions engulfed the entire ship. Slowly, every change that had been made to the ship vanished. The enhanced weaponry, the subspace drive, the Shadow armor, even the shields they got from Khan so long ago. Finally, when the ship looked as it did when the series began, it vanished altogether and returned to the 23rd Century where it belonged.

The Relativity crew could be seen by the windows for quite some time before they left to go about their business...

The End

Huh? What do you mean that’s not The End?

Oh, I see. You want to know what happened to him. Very well...

Captain Braxton reappeared in a blue flash in what looked to be a broken-down old bar. He looked around to see if anyone else he knew was there. Suddenly, he noticed someone familiar. “Captain Archer?”

The man looked confused. “No, I’m... I’m...” He looked in the mirror behind Braxton and looked shocked. He reached into his pocket and pulled out his wallet. After looking in it, he responded, “I’m Sam Beckett.”

After a few seconds, Braxton recognized the name. “Sam Beckett? Then that means I’m... I’m... Nooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Captain Albert Braxton never returned home.

Okay, that’s a lie. He did return home. Eventually. But wouldn’t it really suck if the series ended like that?

The End (Really)