Episode 108: “The Changing Face of Idiocy, Part I”

Written by “Krenim”

Published October 13, 2004

Deep down under the surface of the prison asteroid of Rura Penthe, it was breakfast time for the prisoners. The inmates, dressed in warm furs, had lined up and were about to be served.

Suddenly, a familiar being ran into the mess hall. It was Zo’or. The Taelon, being composed primarily of energy, had no need for warm clothing, so he was dressed in his usual blue/purple leotard thingy. “Coffee! Quickly!”

He ran quickly to the front of the line, where the Federation guards quickly supplied him with a large cup of coffee. One of the prisoners, an Andorian who had just arrived, took offense to Zo’or cutting in line, so he stopped Zo’or before he could leave. “I’ll take that coffee, if you don’t mind...”

Several of the other prisoners tried to stop the Andorian. “You don’t want to mess with him, man!”

The Andorian scoffed. “This little thing? Pfft. What is he going to do?”

“It’s not him, it’s who he works for!”

As if on cue, a deafening roar interrupted the confrontation. “Zo’or?! Where’s my coffee?!

A silhouette appeared in the mess hall doorway. The prisoners, except for Zo’or and the Andorian, scattered. Zo’or pointed at the Andorian. “It’s his fault! He’s trying to take your coffee!”

The silhouette entered the room. As if it wasn’t obvious already, the figure was that of the evil Admiral Janeway. Dressed in even more furs than the prisoners, she stumbled into the room. “Is that so? Another idiot trying to come between me and the sole mitigating factor of being stuck on this frozen rock?”

The Andorian stood toe to toe with Janeway. “Are you calling me an idiot?”

“Yeah, and I’ll be calling you an ambulance in a minute.”

And with that, Janeway proceeded to beat the stuffing out of the Andorian. When the majority of his bones were snapped in two, Janeway left him crying on the floor and gulped down her coffee. “Nobody takes my coffee from me!”

She then glared at the other prisoners, who were cowering against the wall. “Anybody else got a problem with that?”

The prisoners shook their heads.

Janeway left the mess hall, with Zo’or following right behind. “And to think that less than a year ago, I was the evil captain of an evil starship. Hundreds and hundreds of nameless minions did my evil bidding. Entire planets trembled at the mere mention of my name! Now I’m imprisoned here with only you to keep me company...”

“I’ve come up with another plan to escape, ma’am.”

“It’s not crunch time yet, Zo’or. I’ll tell you when.”

“It’s never crunch time!”

“Sure it is. It was crunch time all the time on the Excelsior.”

“That wasn’t a real clock! It was just something the rest of your evil crew put together in five minutes so that they could call you ‘ma’am’ without getting the third degree all the time!”

“I think I know a real clock when I see one, Zo’or. Anyway, what’s the plan?”

“First, we walk up to the guards. Then, we point in a random direction and shout, ‘What’s that over there?’ While the guards are trying to figure out what we were pointing at, we escape!”

“Zo’or, your lameness has just reached a level hitherto unimagined by any sentient being.”

A few hours later, Janeway and Zo’or were down in the depths of the dilithium mines, mining dilithium with the rest of the prisoners.

Janeway scowled. “What is the point of this, anyway? Warp drive became obsolete centuries ago, why does anybody need to have it mined?”

Zo’or replied, “Who knows? 29th Century has been so vaguely described in this series that dilithium may have some purpose.”

“What have I told you about rationalizing plot holes, Zo’or?”

“Leave it to the fans?”


Suddenly, a voice came over the comm system. “All guards to the conference room immediately!”

One of the guards shouted, “None of you try to escape while we’re gone, okay?”

All the prisoners crossed their fingers behind their backs and replied, “Okay!”

Once the guards were gone, everyone bolted for the elevators. Janeway and Zo’or got there first. Janeway took her futuristic mining equipment and destroyed the controls to all but one of the elevators, which the two promptly got on. Janeway shouted, “So long, suckers!”

The prisoners all sighed. One of them shrugged and said, “At least Janeway’s gone.”

And with that, the prisoners let out a collective “Woohoo!”

Several minutes later, Janeway and Zo’or were tiptoeing about the complex above the mines. Zo’or whispered, “I don’t think this is the way to the landing bay...”

“Of course it’s not, you dolt. We’re going to the conference room.”

“The conference room? Where all the guards are?”

“Exactly. We may need to know what’s going on before we make our escape. Ah, here it is. Be quiet so we can listen.”

Inside the conference room, the head guard was talking to the others. “We’ve just learned that Starbase 47 was recently attacked by a previously unknown alien species.”

One of the guards asked, “They destroyed Starbase 47?”

“No, oddly. They just brought down the shields and kidnapped somebody. Captain Braxton, I believe.”

Janeway couldn’t help but chuckle to herself.

The head guard continued. “Captain Braxton was rescued, but only after his crew brought down the aliens’ shields with a temporal explosion.”

Janeway smiled. “Good, Braxton’s still around.”

Zo’or was rightly confused. “Good? I thought you hated him.”

“I do. I want to deal with him... personally.”

The head guard continued yet again, after having conveniently paused long enough for the prisoners’ conversation. “There haven’t been any more sightings of these aliens, but we should still be on the lookout.”

Janeway grabbed Zo’or. “They’re almost done. We better get to the landing bay before that meeting’s over.”

The two snuck over to the landing bay. Once there, Janeway’s eyes went wide. “It’s a sign...”

Sure enough, there was a large sign that said “Welcome to the Landing Bay.”

Janeway looked around for a good shuttle to steal. One specifically caught her eye. “It’s a sign...”

Zo’or groaned. “Didn’t we just do that joke five seconds ago?”

“Look, you dolt!”

Zo’or read what was on the shuttle. “USS Voyager, NCC-74656-Q...”

Q?!?! Where?!?!

“Not that Q. It’s the registry number’s suffix.”

“Oh, thank goodness. Let’s get this ship and get out of here!”

The two climbed in and took off. Once out of the atmosphere, the ship went to hyperwarp.

Zo’or breathed a sigh of relief. “Okay, so we’ve escaped from Rura Penthe. Now what?”

Janeway replied, “Starfleet will probably expect us to steal back the Excelsior.”

“Then we don’t steal back the Excelsior.”

“Are you kidding me? Of course we’re going to steal back the Excelsior! We’re just going to do it in a way nobody would ever suspect! Bwahahahaha!”

UPN Promo:

Janeway sets into motion her zany scheme to steal back the Excelsior in “The Changing Face of Idiocy, Part II”!