Episode 109: “The Changing Face of Idiocy, Part II”

Written by “Krenim”

Published October 27, 2004

Admiral Crusher paced angrily in his office. Several seconds later, Captain Braxton entered. “You wanted to see me, sir?”

Crusher scowled. “Nobody wants to see you, Braxton...”

“Oh. In that case, I’ll go back to sleep.”

“Sit down, you twit!”

With a gesture of his hand, Crusher flung Braxton into one of the seats in front of his desk. Unfortunately, Braxton landed upside-down, so he had to take a few seconds to turn himself around and sit down properly.

Crusher thrust a PADD into Braxton’s hands. “Read this!”

Braxton proceeded to skim through the text, then suddenly let out a yelp. The PADD went flying out of his hands and hit Crusher on the head. “Oops. Sorry, sir.”

Braxton was flung back up in the air and landed in an even more uncomfortable position. As Braxton righted himself yet again, Crusher picked up the PADD. “I’ll take that yelp to mean you understand the gravity of the situation.”

“Gravity of the situation? Yes. Gravity of this office? Not so much. How long has it been since Janeway escaped?”

“At least a few hours. Ironically, she escaped while the guards were being briefed on the Progeny attack.”

“Maybe the guards need less iron in their diets.”

Crusher almost started flinging Braxton around again, but decided against it since it would only mean Braxton would be in his office longer. “Janeway and Zo’or escaped in a hyperwarp-capable shuttle, the Voyager-Q.”

“Q?!?! Where?!?!”

“Not that Q. Anyway, as much as I hate to think you’re the expert on anything, you know Janeway better than anyone in the fleet. What is she going to do next?”

“Go to DisneyWorld!”

“Focus, you dingbat!”

“Steal the Excelsior!”

“Fine! Go stop her, then!”

Braxton started to get out of the chair when he was flung out the door. Crusher slumped in his own chair. “Well, at least I don’t have to deal with him again for a few episodes...”

Quite some distance away, the Starfleet Museum was getting ready for another guided tour. A large group had gathered, and among them were Admiral Janeway and Zo’or. The two were in disguise, both wearing Hawaiian shirts, sunglasses, and oversized hats.

Zo’or whispered, “What are we doing here? I thought we were going to steal the Excelsior.”

“We are. Now shut up. The tour guide’s coming.”

The tour guide, some Starfleet ensign, walked up to the group. “Hello, and welcome to the Starfleet Museum. Here, you’ll get to see for yourselves some important artifacts from seven centuries of Starfleet.”

For quite some time, the group walked around the museum, examining objects such as Kirk’s tupee and Picard’s captain’s chair. Janeway pointed to a coffee mug and whispered. “It’s my old coffee mug from Voyager...”

She read the caption below it. “‘Captain Janeway’s Coffee Mug: Beverage holder used by the megalomaniacal 24th Century Starfleet captain. The caffeine-addicted Janeway was no doubt the worst Star Trek captain ever.’ How dare they!”

Janeway’s foul mood was lifted when the group arrived on the final stage of their tour: Famous starships. Several ships were floating outside. Zo’or squinted and pointed. “Is that what I think it is?”

Janeway grinned evilly. “It is indeed, Zo’or. That is the Excelsior.”

Sure enough, the USS Excelsior NCC-2000 was one of the ships on display. Zo’or nodded in understanding. “So we’re stealing it in the 29th Century...”

“Exactly, because if I know that dolt Braxton, he’s expecting us to steal it in the 23rd Century!”

Captain Braxton stormed onto the bridge of the Relativity. “People, we have a fugitive! Admiral Janeway has escaped from Rura Penthe!”

Everyone was horrified. Ducane recovered quickly. “Do we know where’s she’s headed?”

“She’s going to steal the Excelsior back.”

“Really? How do you know that?”

“Well, okay, I don’t know she’s going to steal the Excelsior. But really, what else is she going to do? Bake some cookies?”

“It’s just that we had that two-parter in Season 4, sir. You know, ‘The Final Excelsior Battle (Really)’.”

“Pfft. We also said the series was ending, and we all know how that went. I want all temporal sensors locked onto the 23rd Century.”

“But what if she steals the Excelsior in the 29th Century?”

“Don’t be crazy, Ducane. The Excelsior doesn’t exist in the 29th Century.”

“Actually, sir...”

“Besides, we all know that Sulu has to come back at some point so we can fire Xaronna.”

Xaronna went into shock. “What?!?!”

Janeway and Zo’or ducked into the Excelsior’s airlock. The door had a large sign on it. Zo’or slowly read it. “This ship is off-limits to the general public. Only the main cast and recurring characters may enter.”

“Works for me.”

The evil duo slipped aboard the ship and quickly made their way to Engineering. Janeway pointed at the warp core. “Get main power up and running. I’m heading to the bridge.”

Zo’or punched a few buttons. “We’ve got enough deuterium and anti-deuterium for at least a little while, but we don’t have any dilithium to regulate the reaction.”

“Once again, Zo’or, I’ve planned ahead. After all, we were imprisoned in a dilithium mine for several months.”

She whipped a good-sized dilithium crystal out of one of her pockets and tossed it to Zo’or.

Several minutes later, Janeway made it to the bridge. The whole room was dark and rather dusty, but she wiped off the captain’s chair and settled down in it. “That’s much better.”

The lights came back on all of a sudden and Zo’or’s voice came over the comm. “Main power is online, Admiral.”

Janeway rolled her eyes. “Really? I thought the Magic Power Fairy came and turned all the lights on.”

“I missed the Magic Power Fairy?”

“Shut up and get us out of here!”

“Me? I don’t know how to drive a starship!”

“Just wing it. Any direction.”

Several minutes later, the Excelsior lurched backwards and crashed through the museum’s outer hull. The ship then went to warp, still going backwards.

Janeway scowled. “Zo’or, the stars are going the wrong way!”

“You’re lucky I got the ship going at all.”

“This won’t do. I need to get my loser crew back somehow.”

“That I think I can do.”


“Yeah. On my old show, we Taelons had interdimensional drives. They only actually went to alternate dimensions when they broke, but I can try to whip something up.”

“Zo’or, if I weren’t utterly evil, I’d kiss you.”

UPN Promo:

Can Janeway reassemble the evil crew of the evil Excelsior? Will Braxton be able to stop her evil plan? Does Janeway even have an evil plan to stop? Find out in the next episode!