Episode 111: “The Changing Face of Idiocy, Part IV”
Written by “Krenim”
Published December 9, 2004
The evil Excelsior appeared in a purple-ish flash. Janeway turned to Valtane. “Are we in the right place?”
Valtane checked the sensors. “Confirmed. We are in the Babylon 5 universe. Commence wailing!”
And with that, everyone (minus Janeway) dropped to floor, curled into the fetal position, and began wailing and moaning.
Janeway rolled her eyes. “And you guys call yourselves evil... Besides, we can leave anytime we want to with Zo’or’s ID drive, so it’s not like we’re stuck here.”
Dark Helmet took his thumb out of his mouth. “You promise?”
“Yes, I promise. Although, being an evil villain, I break my promises all the time, so take it for what it’s worth.”
Janeway’s evil minions slowly got back in their seats. Janeway herself smiled. “There now, that wasn’t so hard, was it? Now, if you all want to get out of here fast, find me Zathras!”
Rand asked, “How are we supposed to do that? Last we saw him, he scrammed with Mr. Morden and the Apocalypse Box aboard the Death Star.”
“Well, where did you nitwits find him the first time?”
“Down on Epsilon 3, but we can’t go there!”
“Why not?”
“Because anything that approaches Epsilon 3 gets shot down.”
“Then we’ll just raise shields.”
“Then we can’t beam down.”
“Let me guess... That’s why you got the Shadow armor for the hull in the first place.”
“Yup.”
“We’ll just have to get Shadow armor again, then. Mr. Hamster, set a course for wherever you got the Shadow armor from.”
Harvey squeaked incoherently, and the ship jumped to warp...
Several hours later...
”Out of business?!?!”
Sure enough, there was a large “Out of Business” sign on the shipyards where the evil crew of the evil Excelsior originally got their evil Shadow armor.
Janeway pouted in her captain’s chair. “If we can’t get the Shadow armor, we can’t go down to Epsilon 3. Therefore, we’ll have to track one of the other two. Where did you guys meet the Apocalypse Box?”
Hawk replied, “Right here.”
“D’oh! Okay, do we have any idea where Morden is?”
“When he was last seen physically on Babylon 5, his head was on a pike on Centauri Prime.”
“That doesn’t do us much good, since he’s obviously alive now. Where’d he spend most of his time before he was a head on a pole?”
“Z’ha’dum?”
“Fine, let’s go to Z’ha’dum.”
“We can’t go to Z’ha’dum.”
Janeway sighed, “And why can’t we go to Z’ha’dum?”
“Because it blew up.”
“It blew up?”
“But they built a shopping mall where it used to be. Maybe he’s there.”
“Whatever. Set a course!”
Sometime later, they all arrived at the Z’ha’dum Shopping Mall. They all got out of the ship, and Janeway said, “Somebody remember where we parked!”
As they all entered the mall, Rand calmly said, “I think we found Morden...”
A restaraunt by the entrance had a huge sign above it’s doors with the words “Mr. Morden’s House of Waffles... and Chaos!”
Janeway sighed and shook her head. “House of Waffles?”
“And Chaos!”
“Shut up, Valtane!”
“Yes ma’am.”
“It’s not crunch time yet, Valtane. I’ll tell you when.”
Janeway whipped out her phaser rifle and stormed into the restaraunt. “Alright, where’s Morden?!”
A familiar voice responded, “Is there a problem?”
Janeway whipped her head around to face... Braxton! Janeway fired her phaser rifle and Braxton hit the floor dead.
“For finally killing my mortal nemesis, that was oddly anti-climactic...”
Another familiar voice shouted at them. “Who’s responsible for this outrage?”
This time, it was Mr. Morden. He took a good look at the evil Excelsior crew. “Oh, it’s you. What brings you to my House of Waffles... and Chaos!? And why did you kill poor Major Ryan?”
Janeway looked down at the corpse she had just, uh, corpse-ified. Sure enough, he was wearing a nametag that said “Major Ryan” on it. “But he looks just like Braxton!”
“Same actor, different character.”
“Whoops, my bad. Anyway, we’re here looking for Zathras! Where is he!”
“I’m not telling you diddly, Janeway. You treated Zathras like dirt.”
“Big deal. I treat all my crew like dirt. You’re going to tell me where he is or else!”
“You try anything and you’ll have to deal with my... associates.”
Quite a few Shadows appeared out of nowhere, surrounding the evil Excelsior crew. Rand was puzzled. “Hold on a minute... I thought the Shadows went beyond the Rim.”
“Do you have any idea how boring it is beyond the Rim? There’s pretty much nothing out there except the occasional dust particle and mini-golf course, so they all came back to help me open my House of Waffles.”
“And Chaos?”
”Exactly! So leave! Now!”
Janeway grumbled as she put away her phaser rifle and stormed out of the restaraunt. “Fine! I didn’t want Zathras anyway! He was stupid! We’ll just get somebody new!”
“Evil Admiral’s Evil Log: After a quick stop in one last dimension to pick up our new Chief Engineer, we have returned to the Star Trek universe!”
Janeway tapped her fingers on her armrest. “Where’s my new Chief Engineer?”
Dark Helmet replied, “It’s taking a while to get him up here. He’s being a pain in the butt about the whole thing.”
Several seconds later, the turbolift opened, and somebody stepped out.
It was Apophis, from the Stargate universe! “Kneel before Apophis!”
He stretched out his arm and began zapping Janeway with his hand-zapping-thingy. Janeway managed to whip out her phaser rifle and shoot Apophis in the hand, destroying his device. “Nobody out-evils Admiral Janeway, especially on her own ship! You’re my new Chief Engineer, and if you don’t like it, I can send you back where I found you!”
Apophis apparently did not like that idea, so he took his seat.
Hawk’s voice came over the comm. “Transporter Room 1 to the Bridge.”
Janeway sighed. “What is it now, Hawk?”
“When we beamed Apophis off his ship, we accidentally beamed a few weird metal cockroaches with him. What do you want us to do with them?”
“Eh, just throw them out an airlock.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.”
Several seconds went by, and Dark Helmet finally asked, “Well?”
“Well? Oh... I doubt we’ve seen the last of them!”
“Better.”
“Now to proceed with my evil plan!”
“What evil plan?”
“You know... My evil plan... To get my ship and crew back and... Aw, heck. I guess I didn’t get any farther than that. Well, this may take a while, so fade to black...”
UPN Promo:
On the next semi-quasi-maybe-exciting episode, it’s the Wedding of the (29th) Century! But who’s getting hitched? And who’s out to crash the party?