Not much was happening on the Relativity bridge. The evil Excelsior’s evil trail had gone cold, so there wasn’t much to do.
All of a sudden, Dax’s console started beeping. She pushed a few buttons. “Captain, you’re being hailed.”
Braxton turned around. “Me specifically? That’s never good. Who is it?”
“A Federation Express courier shuttle.”
“Put it onscreen.”
A scrawny-looking fellow appeared on the main viewscreen. “Are you Captain Albert Braxton?”
“Are you or aren’t you?”
“Ducane, that is me, right?”
Ducane sighed. “Yes, sir, that is you.”
A few seconds later, a small PADD was beamed into Braxton’s lap. The courier pointed at it from the viewscreen. “Sign for your letter, please.”
“Sign? Everything’s typed by computers these days! I don’t know how to actually write anything!”
“Then just initial, please.”
“A big X, then.”
Braxton managed to scribble a very crooked X. The PADD disappeared, and an envelope appeared on the floor in front of the captain. The courier nodded and closed the channel.
Braxton slowly picked up the envelope, opened it, and read the contents.
And then the screaming began.
”Evil! Evil, I say! Burn it! Burn it now!”
Ducane sighed again. “It can’t be that bad. Let me see that.”
Ducane grabbed the piece of paper and read it. As soon as he was done, he flung the paper on the floor and curled up in a fetal position in his chair. “Somebody replicate some holy water, ASAP! That paper is evil! Evil!”
As both Braxton and Ducane proceeded with their nervous breakdowns, the camera zoomed in on the piece of paper on the floor. On it could be read the following:
You are hereby cordially
Ordered to attend the
Unholy union of
Leader of the Decepticons
Admiral of Starfleet
Braxton quivered in fear as he picked up the paper again. “This can’t be real. I must be having a temporal psychosis episode. Yeah, that’s it. The Borg implant failed and I’m having a delusion.”
Ducane managed to sit upright in his chair. “If you’re having a delusion, sir, I’m having the same one.”
Dax glared at the duo. “I expect this sort of thing out of him,” she said as she pointed to Braxton. “But you, Ducane? What could possibly be that bad?”
“Galvatron’s getting married.”
”What?!?! Impossible! She got attacked by a horde of angry Klingons, thrown out an airlock, and disintegrated in a supernova! And that was half a million years ago! There’s no way she’s still around!”
“Well, she apparently is still around, and she’s ordered us to attend the wedding.”
“But she’s probably waiting to kill us all once we get there!”
“Probably, but she’s still an admiral, so we have to obey her order.”
“Get Admiral Crusher on the line! Have him countermand the order!”
“And he would want to see us not blown to smithereens because...?”
“Oh yeah. Good point.”
Braxton tried to compose himself. “Xaronna, set a course for Risa. In the meantime, I suggest we find as many weapons as we can, because I’m not going down to that planet without some serious firepower.”
A short time later, the Relativity senior staff beamed down to the surface of Risa. As usual, the weather was absolutely beautiful. Braxton was so burdened with body armor, missle launchers, and particle weapons that he could barely stand.
Suddenly, they all heard a familiar voice. “There you guys are! I was wondering when you’d get here! Bwahahahahaha!”
Kes sarcastically mumbled, “Gee, I wonder who that is...”
The large metallic form of Galvatron was walking towards them, leaving deep indentations where his feet were sinking in the ground from his weight. “Did you find the place okay?”
Xaronna rolled her eyes. “Yes, we found the place okay. We don’t have a state-of-the-art navigational computer and highly detailed star charts to get lost.”
Galvatron leaned towards Ducane and whispered, “Who’s that? And where’s Sulu?”
“Sulu got sent back to the 23rd Century where he belongs. Xaronna got promoted to fill his spot on the senior staff.”
Braxton shouted, “Enough with the pleasantries! Where’s the b...”
The also-large also-metallic form of Robo-Nechayev lumbered over a hill. At last, the Robo-Nechayev shall have revenge!
Braxton started launching everything he had at Robo-Nechayev. Nothing slowed her down.
Galvatron, looking awfully confused, called out, “Dear? Honey? Sweetie? Why is Captain Braxton trying to vaporize you?”
Robo-Nechayev grabbed Braxton and hoisted him off the ground. He is no doubt under the mistaken impression that I ordered him here to kill him.
“Bwahahahaha! That’s funny!”
Braxton nervously smiled. “You’re not going to kill me?”
No. Galvatron, dear, explain to him why he is here.
Galvatron slapped Braxton on the back hard enough that Braxton was very glad he was wearing body armor. “You’re here to marry us, silly! Bwahahahaha!”
“Marry you? I don’t even like the two of you, and I’m not into that sort of thing anyway.”
He meant that you are to perform the ceremony, stupid!
“Oh... Can I even do that?”
Ducane intervened. “Yes, sir, you can do that. You were going to marry two crewmen way back in ‘When on Romulus...’ but you got interrupted.”
“Wait, you mean I never married them?”
“No, they’re still waiting for you!”
“Whoops. I guess I’ll need to perform two weddings then.”
“But you can only do it on your ship, so we’ll have to hold the wedding in orbit.”
Unacceptable. You will land your ship on the planet.
Damar interjected. “Can we even land the Relativity-H?”
For the purposes of this episode, yes, you can.
Ducane smiled, “Well, if that’s all, we’ll be slacking off until after the wedding.”
Galvatron stopped him. “Not so fast. You’ve got to be the best man.”
“What? Why me?”
“Because Braxton’s performing the ceremony, and I don’t have any friends.”
“What about Prime?”
“Well, Prime isn’t so much a friend as he is a mortal enemy that I happen to make commercials with.”
And Yar shall be the maid of honor! So sayeth the Robo-Nechayev!
Yar grumbled, “I’d object, but she’s one of the few people in the galaxy that has more weaponry than I do.”
With Braxton, Ducane, and Yar drafted into the wedding, the rest of the senior staff decided to kick back and catch some rays on the beach.
Kes, lounging in a beach chair, was suddenly overshadowed by something. She removed her sunglasses to see Optimus Prime looking down at her. “Excuse me, I’m trying to get a tan down here.”
“Sorry, but I felt I had to apologize to you all.”
“You just did apologize.”
“Not for blocking your sun. I’m afraid this whole wedding business is my fault.”
Upon hearing that, everyone moved their beach chairs around Prime and laid back down. Dax said, “Yeah, you want to explain to us how somebody who’s supposed to have been dead for the last half a million years is back?”
“It all began...”
“Wait, before the flashback starts, could you move a little to the left? We want to multitask by tanning while learning.”
Prime took a step to the left. “Better?”
The crew let out a unified “Yes!”
“It all began about a month ago...”
About a month ago, onboard the Nemesis-A...
Galvatron sat in his chair with a mirror in his hand. “Bwahahahaha! Bwahahahaha! Bwahahahaha!”
Prime walked by and scowled disapprovingly. Well, he would have scowled if he had a mouth instead of a faceplate. “Must you keep doing that?”
“Hey, my laughter isn’t naturally so maniacal. It takes lots and lots of practice. Bwahahahaha!”
All of a sudden, the ship shook. Galvatron fell out of his chair. “What the heck was that?”
Prime checked the sensors. “Something hit the ship, and whatever it is, it’s not natural. I’m reading duranium alloy and maybe a power source.”
“Beam whatever it is aboard! I want to see what hit my ship so I can figure out who to sue for damages! Bwahahahaha!”
Prime activated the transporter, and a large metal thing appeared. Although it was badly scorched, and had what looked like several bat’leth blades sticking out of it, it was clearly humanoid, and female at that.
Galvatron was smitten immediately. “Prime, it’s a robot! A female robot! We’ve got to help her!”
“She’s really old, and very badly damaged at that. What do you expect us to do?”
“Whip out that Matrix of Leadership you’re keeping in your chest and use it to bring her back to life.”
“The Matrix of Leadership is not for repairing strange robots you’re attracted to.”
“Aw, come on! It’s not like you’ve been using it to save the universe lately!”
“I’ll be your best friend!”
“I don’t want you as my best friend.”
“Uh... I’ll stop laughing manically?”
“You will not.”
“Okay, how about I try not to laugh maniacally as much?”
“Excellent! Bwaha... I mean, uh, thanks.”
Prime opened up his chest, took out the Matrix of Leadership, and pointed it at the robot. “Light our darkest hour!”
Galvatron leaned over and whispered, “You don’t have to say that if it’s not our darkest hour, you know.”
Prime opened the Matrix, and a blinding light shone forth. The damaged robot lifted off the ground and began glowing, its damage magically disappearing. Several seconds later, the Matrix closed, and the robot was as good as new. It was now apparent (as if it wasn’t already) that the robot was none other than Robo-Nechayev.
Robo-Nechayev online. Where am I? What happened?
Galvatron offered Robo-Nechayev his hand. “You’re onboard my ship, the Nemesis. You kind of ran into it. I brought you aboard and repaired you.”
Prime glared. “You?”
Robo-Nechayev looked up at Galvatron, and it was quite apparent she was smitten with the Decepticon. The Robo-Nechayev thanks you.
“It wasn’t long before Robo-Nechayev figured out that she’d been drifting through space for the last half a million years, winding up mere months after the point in time when she left the 29th Century in the first place. Within weeks, the two of them decided to get married, and here we are.”
Damar rolled his eyes. “That figures. Robo-Nechayev managed to beat the astronomical odds by not only surviving a supernova, but smacking into the one ship around that could fix her up after thousands and thousands of years.”
Xaronna followed up with, “Yeah yeah. Now that we’ve got the exposition over with, can we get back to slacking off?”
Kes answered, “You betcha. Hand me the sunscreen.”
On the evil bridge of the evil Excelsior, nobody had yet to come up with an evil plan. Indeed, most of them were slacking off, still in their pajamas. Valtane, in fact, was enjoying a bowl of cereal while reading the newspaper.
The turbolift doors opened and Janeway stormed onto the bridge. “Any of you losers come up with an evil plan yet?”
An apathetic “No” was said in unison.
On her way to her captain’s chair, Janeway grabbed Valtane’s cereal bowl. Valtane was dismayed. “Hey! I was eating that!”
“It’s not Cap’n Crunch time yet, Valtane. I’ll tell you when.”
Valtane muttered obscenities under his breath for a few seconds, then went back to his paper. After a few minutes, he lowered his paper, revealing an evil grin. “Hey guys? I think I’ve got something...”
Janeway turned to Valtane. “Better not be more cereal.”
“No, it’s not more cereal! I was reading the newspaper and...”
“Wait, since when are there newspapers in the 29th Century?”
“Uh... Good question. Anyway, I found this wedding announcement.”
“Big deal. Who’s getting married?”
Everybody else suddenly perked up. Rand shouted, “What? That jerk is getting married? To who?”
“Somebody named Robo-Nechayev.”
Janeway jumped out of her seat. “What? That jerk is getting married? She made my life miserable when I was still part of Starfleet!”
Valtane continued, “The wedding’s on Risa in only a couple of days. Since most of us have a grudge with one or the other, I say we trash the wedding!”
“That’s a great idea, Valtane!”
“Great enough to get my cereal back?”
“As soon as Apophis and Zo’or have finish repairing the ID drive, set a course for Risa!”
With the wedding approaching, the evil crew of the evil Excelsior arrive to wreak havoc! But are they the only ones bent on stopping the ceremony?