Episode 12: “Who Wants to be Politically Incorrect?”

Written by “Krenim”

Published August 20, 2000

“Captain’s Log, Stardate... Uh... Say, after all this jumping through time, I’ve lost track of what century we’re in! When are we?”

“We’re back in the 29th Century, sir.”

“Oh... I knew that... Really... Anyway, we have escaped from the TAS Dimension by pressing the Not-So-Mysterious Blue Button, and we are now ready to defeat our sworn enemies, the evil crew of the evil Excelsior. How’s that for a recap, Ducane?”

“Just fine, sir.”

Just then, the ship went to Red Alert. Captain Braxton looked around. “What’s going on?”

Yar checked her console. “Sir, there’s a ship approaching. It’s hailing us.”

“What kind of ship?”

“It’s a Borg cube, sir.”

“The Borg? Haven’t we been overusing them?”

“Sir, this is the Borg’s first appearance in Series ?.”

“It is? Oh... I knew that. Anyway, are they Next Generation Borg or Voyager Borg?”

Next Generation Borg, sir.”

“Uh oh, we’d better take this situation seriously then. Hail them back.”

The voice of the Borg Collective came over the comm system. Avon calling.

The crew couldn’t help but snicker. Suppressing his laughter, Captain Braxton responded. “Uh... Aren’t you supposed to say something like ‘We are Borg. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.’?”

That was Step One: Assimilate Everyone in the Universe. We’re now to Step Two: Sell Avon Products.

“Wait... You’ve assimilated everyone in the universe? Something must have happened to the timeline!”

Heck if we know. Would you like to buy some blush?

“No thanks. But would you mind answering a question for me?”

Sure, why not?

“If you’ve assimilated everyone in the universe, who is there to sell makeup to?”

After a minute of silence, the Borg cube exploded, since none of the drones could figure out a legitimately good answer to that question.

Meanwhile, on another floor of the Relativity, Gul Dukat was lurking in the shadows carrying the console that contained the Mysterious Red Button...

Dukat looked about ready to collapse. “Can I put you down yet? You’re awfully heavy.”

No, my brainless lackey! I must be elevated above all others! So sayeth the Mysterious Red Button!

“Fine, fine... So, what’s our next move?”

We need to steal a shuttlecraft.

“Alright! Risa, here we come!”

No, you imbecile! We’re not going to Risa! We’re going elsewhere... Bwahahaha!

Nine centuries earlier, the Excelsior leapt out of the timestream and assumed orbit around Earth. Old Captain Braxton grinned. “At last we will reveal ourselves to the whales! At last we will have revenge!”

Valtane groaned. “Enough with The Phantom Menace jokes!”

“Very well. I want you to lock onto the Bounty’s energy signature and fire all weapons! Kirk will never return to the 23rd Century with his whales, and Earth will be doomed, leaving the Federation defenseless against the Borg, who assimilate everyone in the universe and then become Avon salesmen!”

“Excellent, sir! I’m in need of some blush!”

With that, the Excelsior fired phasers, photon torpedoes, and several kitchen sinks down at Earth. The kitchen sinks burned up in the atmosphere, but the torpedoes and phasers struck the Bird-of-Prey. The Klingon ship, totally defenseless, sank to the bottom of the ocean.

The Excelsior crew cheered. Old Captain Braxton laughed evilly. “Bwahahaha!”

Galvatron thwacked him upside the head. “I’m tired of everyone stealing my catch phrase! Only I may go ‘Bwhahahaha!’”

“Very well. Let’s go back to the 29th Century and buy some blush!”

Rand interrupted. “Sir, I don’t think we should leave just yet. The Relativity has reappeared on our temporal scanners. More than likely they’ve realized what we’ve done, and they’ll be on their way to try to repair history.”

“Okay, we’ll stay here and finish our conflict with the Relativity and her crew...”

To Be Continued...

UPN Promo:

Next time on Star Trek: Series ?, the crews of the Relativity and the Excelsior battle each other for the fate of history itself!