Episode 11: “The Haunting of the Deck the Brig is On”

Written by “Krenim”

Published May 31, 2000

“Chief Engineer’s Log, Stardate... Uhm... Hey, what’s the stardate, Mysterious Red Button?”

Soon, stardates shall not matter, as the heavens will burn with my wrath!


It’s Tuesday, you dolt.

“Oh yeah. Stardate: Tuesday. The Mysterious Red Button and I are in the Relativity’s brig, after having sent the ship into the TAS dimension. We must now figure out a way to get out of here so that we can continue to serve the forces of evil.”

I’ve already figured a way out of here, Dukat!

“Yay! How do we get out!”

We convince the crew that we died, and that we came back as ghosts.


If we threaten to keep haunting the brig until they let us go, they’ll have to let us go.

“Oh. You’re a very smart Mysterious Red Button.”

I know...

Meanwhile, back in the mainstream Star Trek universe, Inspector Gadget had just finished installing the new shields, and the crew was ready to go destroy the Relativity.

Old Captain Braxton grinned. “We’re ready to go destroy the Relativity!”

Valtane rolled his eyes. “The narrator just said that, sir.”

“He did? Oh... Well... I was just repeating it for those who weren’t paying attention the first time...”


“Anyway, set a course for the Relativity!”

“We can’t, sir. They’re not on our temporal scanners. I don’t know where or when they are.”

“Rats! I guess we’re just going to have to cause mayhem and chaos throughout the timeline. Now... When would be the best time to mess up history?”

Back on the Relativity’s bridge, the crew was trying to figure out how to get out of the TAS dimension...

Captain Braxton was lost in thought. “How do we do it? How do we do it?”

Ducane nodded. “Getting out of the TAS dimension is quite a problem, isn’t it, sir?”

“Huh? No, I was trying to figure out how to shove all of you out of the main credits like Shatner, Nimoy, and Kelley did with the original series...”

Everyone thwacked Braxton upside the head. “Okay, okay... I’ll start thinking about how to get out of here...”

Yar’s console started beeping. “Sir, there’s a ship headed towards us!”

“What kind of ship?”

“The TAS Enterprise!”

Back in the Relativity’s brig, the Mysterious Red Button’s evil plan began to take shape...

“Okay, so how to we convince the crew that we’re ghosts?”

That’s simple, my dear Elmo. We put on these sheets with eyeholes cut in them!

“Hey... Where did those come from?”

They’re a plot device. Live with it.

Back on the Excelsior, the crew was still considering how to cause the most damage to the timeline...

Rand’s face suddenly lit up. “Get that lamp out of my face!”

Galvatron took the lamp away. Rand then got an idea. “I’ve got an idea!”

Old Captain Braxton turned to her. “Okay, what’s the idea?”

“We go back to 1986 and stop Captain Kirk from returning to the future with humpback whales!”

“Ooh... We get to disrupt the timeline and cause the extinction of an endangered species all at the same time! I love being a villain!”

Meanwhile, back in the TAS dimension...

Jadzia checked her console. “Sir, I think they’re trying to hail us.”

Braxton, knowing the giant “They Are Hailing Us” sign he put next to the light did its job, nodded. “Onscreen.”

The TAS Enterprise’s bridge came onscreen. Braxton got all excited. “Hey, look! It’s that cat person and that E.T.-ripoff guy!”

The TAS Kirk frowned. “Don’t. Make fun. Of. My crew.”

Braxton struggled to regain his composure. “Oops. Sorry.”

“What do. You. Want here?”

“Our evil chief engineer pushed our Mysterious Red Button, and now we’re stuck in your dimension...”

“Have you. Tried. Pushing your. Not-So-Mysterious Blue. Button?”

“Hey... That’s an idea... Thanks!”

“No. Problem.”

So, everyone began looking around the bridge for the Not-So-Mysterious Blue Button that would send them all home. After a while, Braxton ordered Yar to go down and check on the two prisoners.

Yar checked in the holding cells, where Dukat and the Mysterious Red Button were wearing sheets with two eyeholes cut in them. Yar rolled her eyes. “What do you two think you’re doing?”

“We are the ghosts of Gul Dukat and the Mysterious Red Button! Release us, or we will haunt your brig forever!”

Yar, sick of the prisoners’ stupidity, left. Dukat nudged the Button and whispered, “I think she bought it...”

Back on the bridge, Braxton took a break to ask Yar how the prisoners were. Yar replied, “They say they died and came back as ghosts to haunt the brig until we let them go. Personally, I think they just got a hold of sheets with eyeholes cut in them, and they’re pretending to be ghosts.”

“Perhaps, but I don’t think we can take that chance. Release the ghosts of Gul Dukat and the Mysterious Red Button!”


“Just do it!”

Sulu called out, “Found it!”

“You found the Not-So-Mysterious Blue Button?”

“Yes. It was under this big flashing sign that says ‘Not-So-Mysterious Blue Button.’”

“Well, push it!”

So, Sulu pushed the Not-So-Mysterious Blue Button...

To Be Continued...

UPN Promo:

Next time on Star Trek: Series ?, the Relativity returns to an altered reality as Old Captain Braxton does his Captain Ahab impression!