Episode 145: “Revenge of the Singh”

Written by Krenim

Published December 24, 2015

Damar walked out of the Relativity’s Sickbay and started heading back towards Main Engineering. Yar had once again broken his jaw with her mean right hook, and although the Doctor had once again repaired the damage, his jaw was still pretty sore.

On the way, Damar noticed Lt. Peters, who was outside the ship’s school. Peters appeared to be removing the sign over the school’s door. “Something wrong with the school’s sign, Lieutenant?”

“No sir, nothing wrong with it, but the captain ordered me to replace it.”


Peters put down the old sign, which read “The School Named After Captain Braxton, the Greatest Captain That Ever Lived”, and picked up the new sign, which read “School”. “Yeah, he apparently considered the school’s name to be a running joke. At this rate, this is gonna be the least funny parody series ever.”

“Indeed. Ever since Captain Braxton was cured of his temporal psychosis, he’s been out to get every running joke on the ship.”

“This sounds suspiciously like expositional dialogue.”

“Yeah, it’s almost like it’s been four years since the last episode and the author felt the need to remind readers what’s been happening.”

Damar and Peters both glared at the fourth wall for a moment.

Damar rubbed his sore jaw, then had an idea. “But perhaps I can use Captain Braxton’s new seriousness to my advantage...”

And with that, he turned around and headed towards the bridge.

On the bridge, everyone was going about their usual routine when something started beeping. Eventually, Captain Braxton turned around to face his science officer. “Dax, aren’t you going to answer that?”

“Answer what?”

“We’re being hailed.”

“No, if we were being hailed, my console would be playing some random theme song.”

Braxton continued to stare at Dax. It took her a bit to understand its implication, and once she did, she let out a heavy sigh. “You took away all my ringtones, didn’t you?”

“Yes, I did.”

“You know, I think Sela was right. I did like you better when you were stupid. Onscreen.”

Admiral Crusher appeared on the main viewscreen. “Captain Braxton. Quick, what’s two plus two?”

“How long are people going to be asking me that?”

“A very long time.”

Braxton sighed. “Four, sir.”

“Very good.”

“Please tell me that’s not the only reason you called, Admiral.”

“It’s not. An old foe of yours is up to no good.”

“And which foe would that be, sir?”

Admiral Crusher inhaled a deep breath. “KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!”

“Gotten that out of your system, have you?”

“Yes, I have.”

“And what is Mr. Singh up to now, sir?”

“He’s running for Federation President.”

“He’s doing what?”

“He’s running for Federation President. Here, watch one of his commercials.”

“No, sir.”

Crusher was taken aback. “‘No’? What do you mean, ‘no’?”

“We’re not going to watch the commercial.”

Crusher scowled. “And why not?”

“Because every time we show a commercial, it winds up mind-controlling us into buying beets, and I’ve had just about enough of that.”

Crusher gestured with one his hands, and Braxton floated out of his captain’s chair. Another gesture, and Braxton found himself mere inches from the main viewscreen, looking into Crusher’s huge glaring eyes. “Braxton, if you want to put a stop to all the running jokes on your own ship, that’s your business. But never forget who is the captain, and who is the admiral with godlike powers.”

Crusher flicked his finger, and Braxton went flying backwards back into his seat. Braxton, clearly terrified, squeaked out, “Understood, sir.”

Crusher punched a few buttons on his desk, and brought up the commercial.

Khan, wearing a snazzy suit, stood in front of a giant, waving Federation flag. “Hello. My name... is Khan. Are you tired of living in a franchise that increasingly has less and less continuity to it? I know I am. At the end of the episode ‘No, You Can’t! Yes, I Khan!’, I was left on 20th Century Fantasy Island, yet at the beginning of ‘The Grapes of Wrath of Khan’, I was standing before the 29th Century Federation Council with no explanation whatsoever. If you feel as I do, please vote for me for Federation President, and together we can restore continuity to Star Trek. Now... shall we begin?”

The commercial ended, and Braxton stroked his chin in thought. “Well, he’s not showing his bare chest, and I don’t particularly feel like voting for him, so I think we can rule out his mind-control powers. But...”

Crusher raised an eyebrow in typical Vulcan fashion. “But?”

“I dunno. Something’s off. I can’t quite put my finger on it.”

“I know, I feel the same way. It’s like he’s... different somehow. That’s why I’m assigning you and your crew as his security detail. Keep an eye on him, and if he’s up to something, stop him. Crusher out.”

Braxton turned to Xaronna. “Find out where Khan’s campaign headquarters is, and set a course. Maximum hyperwarp.”

The turbolift doors opened and Damar stepped onto the bridge. “Captain, do you have a moment?”

“Of course, Damar. How can I help you?”

“Sir, it’s come to my attention that there’s a running joke you haven’t put a stop to yet.”

“Oh? What’s that?”

“Yar punching me in the face. I’ve lost track of how many times the Doctor’s had to repair my jaw.”

“You are entirely correct, Damar. Thank you for bringing that to my attention. Yar, you are henceforth forbidden from punching Damar in the face. In fact, you’re forbidden from hurting him at all.”

Yar was aghast. “But, Captain, I...”


Dax, who was still fuming at her console, looked at Yar. “Welcome to the club.”

The Relativity soon arrived at the asteroid base that used to be Crazy Khan’s House of Shields. However, the giant sign outside had been changed to read “Not-So-Crazy Khan’s Campaign Headquarters”, and Federation flags were everywhere.

The senior staff beamed down and found Khan waiting for them. “Captain Braxton, it is good to see you and your gallant crew again.”

Braxton raised an eyebrow in typical Vulcan fashion. “Hello, Khan. Didn’t we leave you on Sigma Iotia II when last we met?”

“You did indeed, Captain. However, you failed to take into account that the Iotians had long ago developed transtator technology derived from Dr. McCoy’s lost communicator. Amongst other things, this led to them developing warp capability, so I was hardly stranded. I eventually decided to return here, as it was the only place that could hold my entire campaign staff.”

“How big is your campaign staff?”



“Four, if you include myself.”

“You needed this huge building for four people?”

“Yes. Sherlock Holmes, Doctor Strange, and I don’t require much room, but Smaug the Dragon takes up most of what used to be the showroom floor.”

“I suppose I should be shocked that they’re your campaign staff, but for some inexplicable reason, I’m not.”

“Maybe because you regularly combat a crew composed of characters such as Dark Helmet, Yoda, and Dr. Frankenstein?”

“No, that’s not it. I dunno, I’m sure it’ll come to me eventually.”

“Captain’s Log: Stardate 558524.728. So far, our assignment as Khan’s security detail has been uneventful. Khan seems to be waging a clean campaign. In fact, the only thing worth noting is that quite a few mysterious holes have appeared in various consoles and walls wherever we’ve been. Tasha Yar has been investigating, and assures me the fact that these holes are the exact size and shape of her fists to be a complete coincidence.”

Damar and Peters put the finishing touches on patching yet another hole in the Relativity’s walls. “I tell you, Peters, I’m not sure what I’m more shocked by.”


“The fact that Tasha can punch a hole through the strongest building materials known to Federation science, or the fact that my jaw can apparently take more punishment than said building materials.”

“Heh. But in all seriousness, sir, while I’m glad she’s not punching you in the face anymore, she’s keeping the entire Engineering staff busy fixing these holes. Something’s got to be done.”


In Captain Braxton’s office, Braxton was having a meeting with Khan. “Another crew will be taking over as your security detail soon, Khan. After all, we’re a timeship crew. Our specialty is defending the timeline, not looking after politicians.”

“Of course, Captain. After all, it’s not like there have been any massive temporal incursions that have led to a drastic change in my own personal timeline.”

“What, you mean the whole thing with the Eugenics Wars, Henry Starling, and Bill Gates?”

“Sure, let’s go with that.”

The door to the office chirped. Braxton replied, “Come in.”

Damar entered. “I’m sorry to interrupt your meeting, Captain, but we need to talk.”

“About the fact that Yar’s anger management problem has led to her turning the ship into Swiss cheese?”

“Oh, you know it’s her, huh?”

“I’m not an idiot anymore, remember?”

“So what do we do, sir? Have her attend counseling sessions with Kes?”

Both Braxton and Damar erupted into laughter at the thought of Kes actually doing her job, while Khan looked on in mild bemusement. When the laughter finally subsided half an hour later, Khan spoke. “Captain, might I make a suggestion?”

“Sure, go ahead.”

“If your security officer is in need of counseling, I could arrange for her to join my support group.”

“You’re in a support group?”

“Yes. I have recently developed a... phobia.”

“Really? If you don’t mind me asking, what sort of phobia does a genetic superman have?”

“The fear of having seventy-two of my friends loaded into torpedoes and fired at me from half a quadrant away.”

“That’s an oddly specific phobia.”


“Well, go ahead and make the arrangement. And thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

“Captain’s Log: Supplemental. Khan has actually won the election, making him the new Federation President. I might actually be worried about that, if it wasn’t for the fact that the show’s coming to an end, this time for realsies. Tasha Yar’s anger management is going well, and nobody’s happier than Damar. Now that everything’s been wrapped up nicely, I can get back to eliminating all the show’s running jokes.”

Braxton picked up his PADD and looked to see which running joke was next on his list. “Huh... ‘Figure out how Helix has been feeding himself despite the fact that I’ve forgotten to feed him for months at a time.’ How the heck am I going to incorporate that into an episode?”

UPN Promo:

On the next episode of Star Trek: Series ? (scheduled for sometime this century), Braxton somehow incorporates that into an episode!