Episode 146: “Gary 007”

Written by Krenim

Published February 25, 2018

Captain Braxton strode into the Relativity‘s Sickbay carrying his pet cat, Helix. He looked around and found it to be empty. “Computer, locate the EMH.”

The EMH is not currently active.

“Activate the EMH.”

The Doctor flickered into existence. “Please state the nature of the medical emergency. Oh, hello, Captain.”

“Hello, Doctor. I need to have my cat looked at.”

“I’m a doctor, not a veterinarian.”

“Spare me your McCoy impression, Doctor. I’ve seen the TNG episode ‘Genesis’, so I know this falls within your purview.”

His attempt at avoiding actual work having failed, he motioned for Braxton to place Helix on one of the biobeds. The Doctor whipped out a medical tricorder and began scanning the pet. “You know, Captain, I don’t believe I’ve had the pleasure of meeting your cat before.”

“I’m not surprised. Prior to my temporal psychosis being cured, I didn’t even remember I had a cat most of the time. In fact, that’s the main reason I’ve brought him in today. How the heck has he stayed alive given the fact that I rarely remembered to feed him?”

“Well, I can tell you one thing right off the bat.”

“What’s that?”

“He’s not a he. He’s a she.”

“Helix is female?”


“Huh. I guess it never occurred to me to check.”

“Doesn’t surprise me. However, you’ll be pleased to know that not only does Helix show absolutely no signs of chronic malnutrition, but she’s in excellent health.”

“Well, I’m very glad to hear that, Doctor, but that just deepens the mystery.”

“Maybe someone’s been taking care of her for you? Without you knowing?”


Dax’s voice came over the comm. Dax to Braxton.

Braxton tapped his communicator. “Braxton here.”

“Captain, we’re being hailed.”

“By whom?”

“Believe it or not, by Admiral Ross.”

Braxton raised an eyebrow in typical Vulcan fashion. It had been years since the Relativity crew (minus Braxton himself, who was knocked unconscious for most of the encounter) had seen either the dimwitted Admiral Ross or his not-as-dimwitted cohort Luther Sloan. “Well, this should be interesting. Route it down to Sickbay.”

“Sorry, sir, it’s for your eyes only.”

“Is that a Bond joke, Dax?”

“Not intentionally, sir.”

“Alright, I’ll take it in my quarters. I have to return Helix there anyway.”

“How is your cat, sir?”

“She’s fine.”


Several minutes later, Braxton tapped a few buttons on a console in his quarters, and Admiral Ross appeared onscreen. “Captain Braxton, we meet again!”

“We’ve never met.”

“Are you sure?”

“I was unconscious for most of the last episode you were in.”

“If you say so. Now, why was I calling you, again?”

Braxton pinched the bridge of his nose in an attempt to stave off a stupidity-induced headache. “Now I get why people hated talking to me before.”

Luther Sloan walked onscreen, likewise pinching the bridge of his nose. “You idiot! We went over this a dozen times! We have intel indicating that there’s a mole aboard the Relativity!”

Braxton’s brow furled. “There’s a spy on my ship?”

Sloan blinked in surprise several times before composing himself. “I’m sorry, I was expecting you to reply that you’d need to call an exterminator or dermatologist or something.”

“Yeah, long story, but I’ve been cured of my temporal psychosis.”

“Good for you. Wish Bill here had that excuse. Anyway, our intel says that the mole is set to be extracted soon, so we have to catch it before that happens. I want your ship on lockdown. Nobody on, nobody off. We will rendezvous with you in three hours to aid in the manhunt.”

“Any idea who we’re dealing with? Or who they’re working for? Or what they were doing?”

“Sorry, we don’t know. Be careful, Braxton. It could be anyone. Sloan out.”

The monitor went dark. Braxton tapped his communicator. “Braxton to senior staff. Report to the briefing room now.”

And with that, Braxton walked out of his quarters.

Meanwhile, in an isolated corner of one of the Relativity‘s cargo bays, a bizarre blue fog began to appear. After a few seconds, the fog dissipated, leaving behind Gary Seven, the galaxy’s most boring secret agent!

Seven discreetly looked around to make sure that his arrival had not been spotted. Luckily for him, the cargo bay was unoccupied. He hid behind several large cargo containers to ensure he wouldn’t immediately be detected by anyone entering the room, and then looked at his attire. He was dressed in a 20th century business suit. “I suppose I’d stick out like a sore thumb if I tried to leave the room... I could wait for someone to enter this room, overpower them, and then steal their uniform, but that sounds too much like an action sequence. Instead, I’ll have to have our operative come to me.”

The spy whipped out his servo. “Supervisor 194 to Agent 314. I have arrived onboard the Relativity and have taken up position in one of its cargo bays. I am unsure which one, though. Make your way to my location as best you can for extraction.”

In the Relativity‘s briefing room, Braxton finished relaying the information given to him by Sloan to his senior staff. Yar, being in charge of security, was the first to respond. “Don’t worry, sir. I’ll find this mole for you.”

Braxton nodded. “Good. Do whatever you have to do to make sure they don’t get off this ship.”

Yar turned to Damar. Damar instinctively threw his hands up in front of his face, to which Yar replied. “I’m not gonna hit you! I need to you to lock down every means of getting off this ship. Transporters, shuttles, even airlocks. And not the usual slipshod lockdown that you see on Star Trek that everybody and their mother can override. Really lock it down.”

Damar nodded and sped out of the room.

Next, Yar turned to Dax. “I want internal sensors monitored around the clock. Notify me and the captain if you detect any unauthorized transmissions or anomalous energy readings.”

Dax followed Damar.

“Everyone else, I want you to organize the entire ship into teams. Nobody is to be left alone. Nobody. The mole could be anyone.”

T’Lenol raised an eyebrow in typical Vulcan fashion. “Even you?”

“Even me.” At which point, Yar’s eyes narrowed. She put her face mere centimeters from T’Lenol’s. “Even you.”


“Yes, you. I want your program double-checked and triple-checked. Who knows what malicious coding Janeway snuck in to your program when she hid you away.”

“That is... logical.”

Shortly thereafter, the Relativity‘s hallways were being patrolled by numerous teams. One such team, consisting of Dax and Xaronna, approached Cargo Bay 1 when its doors opened. Out came Helix, who looked quite startled to run into the pair.

Xaronna smiled. “Hi, Helix! How’d you get out of the captain’s quarters?” She turned to Dax. “It’s not safe out here. We should take him home.”




Xaronna bent down to pick up Helix, but the cat bolted. Dax had better luck, barely grabbing a hold of Helix. The cat was clearly not having any of that, and began hissing, spitting, and clawing.

Dax held up Helix and glared at her. “You better behave or I will neuter you myself.”

Helix clearly recoiled in horror and stopped resisting.

It only took a few minutes to reach Braxton’s quarters. Dax set Helix down on the floor. “There you go. Be a good girl for the captain, okay?”

Helix gave Dax a quizzical look and then went over to her food dish.

Dax and Xaronna were about to step back out into the hallway when Xaronna had a thought. “You don’t think that Helix is the...”

Before she could finish, an unseen individual clocked Xaronna over the head with Helix’s food dish. As Xaronna slumped to the floor unconscious, Dax tried to whirl around to face their attacker, but the food dish came down again.

The attacker, revealed to be a very attractive woman in a skimpy black outfit, checked both Xaronna and Dax. Once she was satisfied that they would both be okay, she eyed their uniforms.

A few minutes later, the woman (now wearing Xaronna’s uniform, which didn’t quite fit her) stepped out into the hallway and started making her way towards Cargo Bay 2.

At the same time, Yar was going over security footage on the bridge, and frantically tapped her communicator. “Yar to Damar!”

“Damar here.”

“I need you to seal off every exit from Cargo Bay 3 immediately! We have an intruder!”


Braxton and T’Lenol, hearing Yar’s frenzied orders, hurried over. Yar tapped her communicator again. “Yar to Security Teams 5 and 7! Meet me outside Cargo Bay 3!”

T’Lenol raised an eyebrow in typical Vulcan fashion. “Did I hear we have an intruder?”

“Yes, I was going over security footage from before you told us about the mole, and discovered an unauthorized transport into Cargo Bay 3. However, the intruder has been holding position, possibly waiting for our mole to make contact.”

“Excellent work. You have been particularly competent this episode.”

“Hey! I’m always competent...ish! I just have anger management issues! And I hope you both noticed that I haven’t so much as threatened Damar this whole episode.”

Braxton smiled. “Noted and appreciated. Do we know who this intruder is?”

“I don’t recognize him, sir, and you know what that likely means.”

“Let me guess, somebody from the Original Series? Which means we’re probably dealing with some kind of outlandish wackiness.”

The three got in the turbolift and started heading towards Cargo Bay 3. Yar turned to T’Lenol. “By the way, your program is clean. Still can’t believe Janeway didn’t do anything to it. Well, I’m sure that won’t come back to haunt her in any way...”

Meanwhile, Braxton tapped his communicator. “Braxton to Xaronna. Get your Big Book of TOS and meet us outside Cargo Bay 3.”

There was no response.

“Computer, locate Xaronna.”

Xaronna is in your quarters. And unconscious. And wearing some rather skimpy clothing. You naughty boy you!

T’Lenol and Yar both gave Braxton the mother of all Vulcan eyebrow raises.

Braxton, rather flustered, blushed and choked out, “Don’t look at me, I have no idea what’s up with that!” He tapped his communicator.

“Braxton to Doctor! Medical emergency in my quarters! And bring some clothes in Xaronna’s size! And shut up!”

The turbolift opened and the trio hurried to Cargo Bay 3...

The rather attractive woman wearing Xaronna’s uniform continued towards Cargo Bay 2. However, she was almost there when she ran into another security patrol, this one consisting of Kes and Lt. Peters. Peters raised his phaser rifle. “Where’s your partner, Ensign?”

The woman looked around confusingly, and then thought to check her collar. Sure enough, there were ensign pips. “Ensign, huh? Good to know.”

Being rather obvious that something was up, Kes raised her phaser rifle as well. “Come with us, Ensign.”

Braxton, T’Lenol, and Yar arrived outside Cargo Bay 3, where the security officers had already gathered. All of them entered the room with phaser rifles drawn. Braxton shouted, “Whoever you are behind the cargo containers, come out with your hands up! We have you surrounded!”

Gary Seven indeed came out with his hands up. Braxton stepped forward. “Captain Albert Braxton of the Relativity. And you are...?”

“Seven. Gary Seven. The galaxy’s most boring secret agent.”

“Secret agent, huh? But all you did was just sit here. No suspenseful sneaking around, no action-packed action sequences, no seducing beautiful women...”

“What part of ‘boring’ do you not understand?”

“Aren’t you going to do anything?”

“Yes. This.”

With lightning-quick reflexes, Seven took his servo from out of his pocket and pushed a button. Everyone except T’Lenol suddenly got a very goofy grin on their faces and dropped their weapons.

Seven raised his eyebrow in typical Vulcan fashion. “I take it you aren’t a biological lifeform?”


T’Lenol lunged at Seven, giving him the Vulcan neck pinch. Seven shrugged it off, and attempted to make some adjustments to his servo. T’Lenol, looking almost annoyed, changed strategies and bonked Seven over the head. Seven fell to the ground unconscious.

T’Lenol tapped her communicator. “Security and medical teams to Cargo Bay 2.”

“Captain’s Log: Mr. Seven and his accomplice have been taken to the brig, and both Admiral Ross and Luther Sloan should be along shortly. However, I think there are some loose ends to tie up...”

Captain Braxton and his senior staff stepped into the brig, where both Seven and the unknown woman were sitting in separate cells. “I don’t suppose either of you is going to tell me what’s going on?”

Seven shook his head. “Sorry, Captain. I’m not at liberty to say.”

Braxton approached the cell containing the woman. “And you?”

The woman stood up and approached her cell’s forcefield. “I... apologize, Captain. I had hoped to leave the ship on good terms.”

“And you are...?”

The woman raised an eyebrow in typical Vulcan fashion. “Meow.”



It slowly dawned on Braxton what she meant. “Computer?”

Yes, Captain?

“Locate Helix.”

I think you already know exactly where your cat is, sir.

Braxton approached the forcefield. “Helix?”

The woman nodded.

Damar whispered to the rest of the senior staff. “Is anyone else disturbed by the fact that the captain’s cat is smokin’ hot?”

Everyone nodded.

Luther Sloan stepped into the brig with Admiral Ross following close behind. Sloan walked up to Seven’s cell. “Seven.”


Braxton turned to the two of them. “You two know each other?”

Sloan nodded. “There aren’t many spies in Star Trek, so we all know each other. This one’s... harmless enough. In fact, I think I could convince Admiral Ross to have you both released providing you tell us what you’re doing here.”

Helix cleared her throat. “Captain Braxton, there were no shortage of powers in the galaxy who were concerned with your being allowed to retain command of a timeship despite your temporal psychosis. It was my job to watch over you and report your activity to those powers. Now that your psychosis has been cured, I am no longer needed here. Mr. Seven was sent to take me home.”

Braxton nodded. “I understand. May I ask where home is?”

Helix let out a little laugh. “Sorry, that’s never been revealed in canon, so I can’t say.”

Sloan turned to Ross. “Good enough. Have them released.”

Ross pressed a few buttons, and the two forcefields vanished. Seven made a respectful nod towards Sloan, and then fiddled with his servo for a few seconds. A blue cloud appeared.

Helix stepped right up to Braxton. “For what it’s worth, you were very kind to me... at least, on those rare occasions you actually remembered me. I’m going to miss you.”

She leaned forward, and gave Braxton a very bittersweet peck on the cheek. “Be well.”

And with that, she and Gary Seven walked into the blue cloud and disappeared...

UPN Promo:

On the next episode of Star Trek: Series ?, the author’s master plan to end the series (for really realsies this time) goes completely off the rails! There’s a new Star Trek series out, and it’s time to give it the Series ? treatment!