Episode 15: “Send in the Braxtons!”

Written by “Krenim”

Published November 16, 2000

“Old Psycho Braxton’s Personal Log, Stardate... Well, we’re in Star Trek IV, so you figure it out! Anyway, my plan to confound the evil crew of the evil Excelsior by unleashing a horde of Old Psycho Braxton clones so that I can take control of the ship has hit an unexpected snag... Galvatron, ever vigilant that he should be the only one on the ship allowed to laugh maniacally, has stumbled upon my plan...”

Old Psycho Braxton whipped out his phaser. “Well, well, well... It seems as though you’ve stumbled onto my plan! I’ll have to eliminate you!”

Galvatron smirked. “There’s no need to do that! I’ll keep your secret on one condition...”

“And what’s that?”

“After we take over the ship, we have to force Cartoon Network to show nothing but Transformers and Screwy Squirrel cartoons!”

“Okay, Transformers I understand, but why Screwy Squirrel?”

“I have a reputation as an evil villain to uphold...”

Meanwhile, on the Enterprise-Z, the Mysterious Red Button began to reveal his evil plan to his evil lackey, Gul Dukat...

Set a course for 29th Century Bajor! Maximum warp!

“Hey, I once ruled Bajor, you know.”

Yeah, yeah... Shut up. Soon, the universe will shudder at the name of the Mysterious Red Button!

“So, what exactly are we going to do?”

We’re going to the fire caves to release the pah-wraiths!

“Um... I hate to have to break this to you, but I already tried that, and it didn’t exactly work out. Not only that, but the Book of the Kosst Amojan was burnt to a cinder when I was falling down that well.”

Book? Who needs a stinking book when we can just download the text off the internet for free?

Meanwhile, back in 1789, the crew’s plans to throttle the brainless Jadzia were put on hold as the ship exploded.

Captain Braxton pointed to the screen. “Hey! The Bounty, which is technically a ship, just exploded!”

Sulu, obviously clamoring for more screen time, got upset. “Technically? Technically?!?! Of course it’s a ship, you moron!”

“Well, yes, but I like to use the word ‘technically.’ Technically, technically, technically. Anyway, what happened to the Bounty?”

Jadzia meekly raised her hand. “I think that my pressing this button labeled ‘Blow up the closest historically important vehicle’ may have had something to do with it...”

Braxton smacked his forehead with his palm. “That does it! You’re a danger to yourself and others! I’m confining you to sickbay!”

From far off in the distance, the Doctor could be heard shouting “Woohoo!” as he realized he’d probably get some screen time.

As Jadzia got on the turbolift, Braxton got back in his seat. “Ducane, I want you to beam down a bunch of nameless extras to fix the Bounty so this part of history will get back on track. Meanwhile, we’ll head back to the 20th Century and raise Kirk’s Bounty from the ocean floor so the universe isn’t overrun by cosmetics-selling Borg in the 29th Century.”

Ducane scratched his head in confusion. “So, we’re just going to leave the nameless extras down there? They might contaminate the timeline.”

“Nah, that’ll never happen... Sulu, set a course for 20th Century Earth! Woogy-boogy-boogy! Ugh, there’s got to be a better catch phrase than that...”

Meanwhile, the evil crew of the evil Excelsior were throwing an evil party on the evil bridge, following their successful alteration of the timeline and the Relativity’s sudden disappearance.

Old Captain Braxton held up a glass filled with... well... something green. “If A leads to B, and B leads to C...”

“We’ve had enough of your technobabble! Get on with the toast,” the rest of the senior staff shouted.

“Well, I think we’ve won! We’ve altered time and the Relativity is gone! The only thing that could possibly stop us is if, inexplicably, a bunch of clones of Old Psycho Braxton filled the ship up so full that none of us could get to the controls!”

At that moment, a bunch of clones of Old Psycho Braxton fell through the ceiling, landing on Old Captain Braxton. The senior staff looked on in shock as clone after clone fell on their commanding officer, and then as clones started bursting out of every door and hatch on the bridge...

Meanwhile, the Relativity emerged back in orbit over 20th Century Earth. Lt. Ducane checked his instruments. “Sir, it appears as though the Excelsior is filled with clones of Old Psycho Braxton!”

Braxton took a moment to think. “Hmm... Is that good or bad?”

“Good, sir. The ship is so crammed with them that no one can reach a control panel to do anything to stop us from saving history.”

“Excellent. Maybe I should be cloned. I’ve always wondered what it would be like if there were more than one of me...”

“Uh, sir, right now you have three clones, albeit temporal clones, and one of them has about a bazillion actual clones, and the universe is barely holding itself together because of it!”

“Ah... I see your point. Anyway, let’s try to save history and actually succeed this time, okay?”

To Be Continued...

UPN Promo:

Next time on Star Trek: Series ?, the crew of the Relativity try to raise the Bounty (the Bird-of-Prey, not the sailing ship) from the ocean floor while the Excelsior crew try to do, well, anything!