Episode 16: “A Dish Best Served Stale...”

Written by “Krenim”

Published January 12, 2001

“Captain’s Log, Stardate... Well, just look up the stardate from the last episode and add a few numbers! Anyway, we’ve returned to 20th Century Earth to raise Kirk’s renegade Bird-of-Prey off the ocean floor. Our task has been made infinitely easier by the fact that the Excelsior has been overrun by clones of Old Psycho Braxton, making it impossible for any of their crew to reach their controls! Bwahahahaha!”

Ducane waited until his captain’s maniacal laughter subsided. “Sir, just how are we going to raise the Bounty?”

“Don’t worry, Ducane! I’ve already thought of a plan!”

“You have, sir?”

“Of course! I want you to fire all our phasers and torpedoes at the Bounty!”

“Uh, sir... Won’t that blow up the Bounty?”

“Your point being...?”

“We don’t want to blow it up, sir.”

“Aw... You always spoil my fun! Okay, we’ll just go to Plan B!”

“What’s that? Crush the Bounty?”

“No, Mr. Smarty Pants! It just so happens that Plan B is to have Kes use her superpowers to raise the Bounty!”

“That’s actually a very good plan, sir!”

“And that’s why they pay me the big money, Ducane...”

“Uh, sir... The Federation doesn’t use money...”

“Shut up, Ducane! I don’t pay you to yak about the Federation’s economy!”

“I don’t get paid!”

Meanwhile, down in Sickbay, Jadzia sat on one of the biobeds. The Doctor suddenly ran in. “I think I’ve got it!”

“You’ve got what?”

“I think I’ve figured out how to make you not so stupid!”

“Me stupid? Nah!”

The Doctor shook his head in disgust, and then pulled up some files to his PADD. “Now, in order for you to function as a whole, you need a symbiont, right?”

“I think so.”

“So, when we get back to the 29th Century, we’ll just find one for you!”

“Uh, okay!”

By that time, Ducane had finally managed to explain the Federation’s socio-economic structure to Braxton, so they could get on with raising the Bounty. Kes’ eyes flashed, and the Bounty slowly rose from the ocean, magically repairing itself in the process. Soon, the Bounty was off chasing George and Gracie again. The Relativity’s crew cheered.

When the cheering was done, Yar pointed at the Excelsior on the viewscreen. “What are we going to do about them?”

Ducane punched a few buttons, and the Excelsior was caught in the Relativity’s tractor beam. Both ships leapt into the timestream and were gone...

...only to reappear in the 29th Century. The crew cheered again, until they realized something was very wrong.

Captain Braxton turned to Ducane. “Apparently, I have realized that something is wrong, but I don’t know what!”

Ducane checked the sensors. “Well, the good news is that the Avon-selling Borg are gone. The bad news is that they’ve been replaced by Romulan mimes.”

“Let me get this straight... The galaxy is ruled by Romulan mimes?”

“Yes, sir.”

Braxton fell to his knees. “Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!


“I don’t know, I just got the unmistakable urge to blame Khan for all this.”

Ducane ran a simulation of the timeline. “Hmm... It does appear that you’re right.”

So, the Relativity, with the Excelsior still in tow, went back to 20th Century Earth and beamed Braxton and Ducane down to where a young Khan was sitting under a tree reading Chicken Soup for the Genetically Engineered Soul. Braxton approached the young Khan. “Excuse me, are you Khan?”

Khan looked up from his book. “Yes, I’m Khan.”

“Well, we just wanted to give you this book.”

Khan took the book from Braxton. “Moby Dick? Why would I want this?”

“Trust me, you never know when you might need to steal lines from Captain Ahab. I also wanted to give you this picture.”

Khan took the picture and looked at it. “Who’s this guy?”

“Pavel Chekov. When you meet him for the first time, just pretend that you actually met him before.”

“Uhm, okay...”

Several hours later (by the reckoning of the Relativity crew), Braxton and Ducane stood in front of several cells in the Federation Maximum Security Prison. With the 29th Century Federation restored, the evil crew of the evil Excelsior were being imprisoned for their crimes.

Ducane noticed something odd. “Captain Braxton, aren’t there supposed to be a whole horde of Braxton clones?”

Braxton counted. “Yes, there are, but I see only the one...”

The one Braxton clone turned to the duo. “Yes, they merged us all into one! I am Old Captain Young Psycho Old Psycho Clone Clone Clone Clone Clone Clone Clone Braxton, but you may refer to me as... Evil Braxton! Bwahahahahaha!”

Galvatron reached out of his cell and thwacked Evil Braxton. “How many times do I have to tell you all? It is my job to do the evil laughing around here!”

So, the Excelsior crew was locked away and left to themselves. Valtane stuck his head out of the bars. “So... Anyone have any idea how long we’re going to be stuck in here?”

Rand stuck her head out of the bars of her cell. “Probably until Episode 26, where we’ll escape, thus setting up the first season’s cliffhanger...”

To Be Continued...

UPN Promo:

Next time on Star Trek: Series ?, the crew of the Relativity will, uh... do some stuff!