Episode 22: “Dax Evasion, Part II”

Written by “Krenim”

Published March 6, 2001

“Captain’s Log: The Relativity is now in orbit around Deep Space Nine, a 24th Century outpost in the Bajoran System. In order to escape detection by those of this time period, we have engaged our previously unmentioned cloaking device. I’m sure the Romulans would be most unhappy if they knew we had one, but what they don’t know won’t hurt them. Unless we declare war on them, in which case it would probably hurt them. Anyway, we have arrived shortly before Dax’s supposed death, in hopes of paying her taxes on time.”

In the Relativity’s observation lounge, the crew began discussing how to proceed.

Ducane handed out mission briefings. “We will only be taking a few of you onto Deep Space Nine for this mission. We’ll only be taking Captain Braxton, myself, and Kes. The rest of you could be recognized by Deep Space Nine personnel, and therefore will stay onboard the ship.”

Kes, look puzzled, asked, “How exactly are we going to pay Dax’s taxes? The Federation doesn’t use money, so we don’t have any to pay her taxes with.”

Captain Braxton whipped out a box. “That’s not entirely true. One of my hobbies just happens to be collecting different types of currency from throughout time, and I just happen to have some from this time period. I have here the equivalent of 100 Trill dollars of Breen money, which must be kept in this cryogenic capsule. Gives new meaning to the term ‘cold hard cash,’ doesn’t it?”

“Yes, but according to this, Dax’s debt amounts to 500 Trill dollars.”

“That’s where you come in, Kes! You’re going to go to Quark’s gambling establishment, and use your nearly-omnipotent powers to win enough money to pay Dax’s taxes!”

“You know, I could just use my nearly-omnipotent powers to create some money, you know...”

“True, but then this would be a really short episode, so just play along...”

Meanwhile, back in the 29th Century, Dax was having to put up with the evil crew of the evil Excelsior...

Evil Braxton taunted Dax. “You foolish goody-goody! It doesn’t matter if your friends pay your taxes or not, because this entire universe is doomed! Mwahahaha!”

Galvatron pointed his particle cannon at Evil Braxton. “If you steal my bit one more time, I’m going to reduce you to free-floating atoms!”

Evil Braxton stared down the cannon’s barrel. “Why’d they let you keep that?”

“I told them it was a really big watch.”

“Oh... Well, anyway... When we escape from this accursed place, which should be in the next episode or two, we will wreak such terror that none shall survive!”

Dax rolled her eyes. “Sure, Evil Braxton, sure... Captain Braxton will make sure that you don’t escape, so I wouldn’t be planning mass destruction any time soon.”

Evil Braxton thought for a second. “Yes, my temporal counterpart seems to have gotten significantly brighter lately. I wonder why...”

Gul Dukat, who had been busy annoying Dax by pretending to zap her with pah-wraith energy for several hours straight, suddenly had a thought. “Maybe something fixed his temporal psychosis.”

Evil Braxton shook his head. “Impossible. Nothing can make such improvement in temporal psychosis, least of all such an extreme case like Captain Braxton’s. Unless...”

With that thought, Evil Braxton turned and began thinking...

Meanwhile, back in the 24th Century, Braxton, Ducane, and Kes walked into Quark’s Bar. Braxton rubbed his hands together greedily. “This’ll be like taking candy from a baby!”

Ducane looked up and gasped. “I don’t think so, sir...”

Braxton thwacks his first officer upside the head. “Now, I know that I don’t make sense a lot of the time, Ducane, but even I know that having a nearly-omnipotent being play cards against mere humanoids is sure to get us all the money we need!”

“Uh, sir, look up at that sign...”

So Braxton looked up at a big sign hanging over the gambling area, which read in big letters, “Welcome Nearly-Omnipotent Being Conventioneers!”

Sure enough, the entire bar was populated with nearly-omnipotent beings, ranging from Organians to members of the Q Continuum.

Braxton threw a fit. “No! No no no no! This isn’t fair! I actually had a good plan this time!”

Kes tried to calm Braxton down. “I could still just zap some money into existence. See? Poof! Money! Poof! More money!”

Sure enough, more than enough money to pay off Dax’s taxes was in Kes’ hands. Braxton finally conceded. “Fine, but I’m telling you this is going to be a really short episode...”

So, the trio mailed the money, along with a note telling the Trill IRS what the money was for, via Federation Express (for when it absolutely, positively has to be halfway across the quadrant overnight).

Afterwards, the three returned to the Relativity, and the ship leapt back into the timestream. Braxton, sitting in his chair, muttered to himself, “Well, everything’s set up for the season finale. The hall is rented, the orchestra engaged, now it’s time to see if we can dance...”

To Be Continued...

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