Episode 21: “Dax Evasion, Part I”

Written by “Krenim”

Published March 1, 2001

“Captain’s Log: Acting on information given to the Doctor by his future self, we have returned to the Federation Maximum Security Prison to make sure the evil crew of the evil Excelsior doesn’t escape and make the member worlds of the Federation look like the burnt popcorn kernels you always find at the bottom of a popcorn bag. Meanwhile, I understand that the Doctor has a bit of good news for our science officer, Jadzia, which is kind of surprising, because we almost never get good news on this ship. It’s either jailbreaks or getting blown into alternate dimensions or repairing the timeline or stopping small red inanimate objects from destroying the galaxy. Ducane, I hereby order that people will only give me good news from now on! No more bad news!”

Down in the Relativity’s Sickbay, the Doctor was giving Jadzia the good news. “A symbiont has become available for you, Jadzia!”

“A what?”



“The slug-thing you had in your stomach!”


“Yes, and not only that, that symbiont is the Dax symbiont! After 500 years, Jadzia Dax will be whole once more! Mwahahahaha!”

“You’re frightening me, Doctor.”

“Yes, I know.”

Meanwhile, on the Federation Maximum Security Prison, Captain Braxton, Lt. Ducane, and Lt. Yar stepped off the turbolift onto the cellblock where the evil crew of the evil Excelsior was imprisoned.

Evil Braxton sneered at his counterpart. “So, what are you doing here, Captain Braxton?”

Captain Braxton’s face was dead serious. “We have been warned from the future that you and your evil crew are about to escape and destroy the Federation, so we are here to make sure you do not escape! That, and I think I dropped my wallet here last time I was here. Have you seen it?”

“No, I haven’t seen your stupid wallet!”

“Oh well... Anyway, you won’t get away, because I’m going to have your guarded around the clock!”

“Well, we’re still going to escape anyway!”

“Good, then I can let down your forcefields... Wait a minute, I’m suddenly getting this awful sense of déjà vu...”

Ducane whispered, “Sir, that’s how the Braxton Bunch tricked you into letting them go way back in Episode 1.”

“Oh yeah... Too bad, Evil Braxton, you’re not going to get away this time!”

Evil Braxton shook his fist at the Starfleet officers. “Curse you, Captain Braxton! Just remember this... Revenge is a dish that is best served lukewarm!”

“What the heck is that supposed to mean?”

“I don’t know, but when I find out, I’ll let you know.”

Several hours later, a courier ship from Trill arrived at the prison, and transferred the Dax symbiont to the Relativity. Several hours after that, the Doctor entered Captain Braxton’s ready room. “I can’t do it! I just can’t do it! I’ve run the simulation 47 times, and I just can’t do it!”

Braxton took a while to remember just what the Doctor was talking about, but finally asked, “You can’t attach the Dax symbiont to Jadzia?”

“Oh, I can do that easily enough. It’s just that every time I try the simulation, her stupidity is so obnoxious that I wind up replicating a sledge hammer and knocking myself out with it so I don’t have to listen to her anymore.”

“Well, think about it this way, Doctor... Once you get the symbiont in, she won’t be stupid anymore, so you won’t have to listen to her inane babbling ever again.”

“Hmm... Thanks, Captain! I feel much more confident that I can perform the operation now!”

As the Doctor left, Ducane entered. “Captain, I’m impressed with that advice you gave the Doctor!”

“Thanks! Hey, wait a minute... How did you know what I told the Doctor?”

“Well, I’ve been listening outside your door every time you talk to someone in there so I make sure to countermand your often idiotic and sometimes insane orders. And in doing so, I’ve come to an important conclusion.”

“What’s that, Ducane?”

“I think you’re getting less idiotic and insane. Some of your orders are actually beginning to make sense!”

“You know, I do believe you’re right, Ducane! I wonder why that is...”

“Well, after the Doctor finishes up with Jadzia, you could ask him to take a scan of your brain.”

“Very well, Ducane! In the meantime, I shall continue reveling in the goodness that is this episode.”

And so, the Doctor managed to reattach the Dax symbiont to Jadzia. She was resting in Sickbay until a bunch of soldiers stormed in and pointed their phaser rifles at her.

Jadzia, still a bit weak, was quite annoyed. “Now listen here! I don’t know who you are, but I just got a slug in my stomach to get all my vocabulary back, and I’m not in the mood to be held hostage by a bunch of guys in black! Now get out of here before my knowledge of Klingon torture methods is fully restored!”

The lead soldier stepped forward. “I’m sorry, but I can’t do that. Jadzia Dax, by the authority of the Trill IRS, you are under arrest for tax evasion! Accounting for inflation over 500 years, you now owe five hundred trillion Trill dollars!”

“I’ll bet you can’t say ‘trillion Trill’ five times fast.”

“Trillion Trill. Trillion Trill. Trill... Wait a minute! You’re under arrest! Until we can transport you to Trill, you’ll be held here at the Federation Maximum Security Prison. Specifically, right next to the Excelsior crew and Gul Dukat.”

“You know, I’m beginning to think the only floor of that prison is the one all those idiots are on...”

Shortly thereafter, Braxton, Ducane, and Yar were on the prison floor where Dax was being held. Dax got up and stood close to the forcefield. “Captain, you’ve got to help me! I forgot to pay my Trill taxes before I got blasted by Gul Dukat, and now I owe five hundred trillion Trill dollars!”

Braxton thought for a second. “I’ve got it! We’ll travel back in time and make sure your taxes are paid, so you won’t owe the money, and they’ll let you go!”

Yar spoke up. “Sir, while we’re off trying to help Dax, we won’t be here to make sure the Excelsior crew doesn’t escape and set off the destruction of the Federation.”

“Lt. Yar, when it comes down to solving the financial problems of one person or saving the lives of the entire population of the Federation, I will choose the financial problems of one person every time! Let’s go!”

As Braxton headed for the turbolift, Yar whispered to Ducane, “I thought you said he was better.”

Ducane sighed. “Yeah, but apparently not much...”

And so, the Relativity detached itself from the prison station, and jumped into the timestream...

To Be Continued...

UPN Promo:

Next time on Star Trek: Series ?, the crew travels to Deep Space Nine to pay Dax’s taxes, while Evil Braxton makes ready his own plans...