Episode 28: “The Episodes of Heck, Part I”

Written by “Krenim”

Published March 31, 2001

Above the resort planet of Risa, a mysterious vessel dropped out of warp. Well, okay, it’s not that mysterious. If you could actually see it, you’d probably recognize it instantly, so I’ll just tell you which ship it is. It’s Annorax’s temporal weapon/ship. Happy now?

On the weapon/ship’s bridge, Annorax sat in his command chair, looking coldly at the viewscreen. On it was Risa, along with several temporal computations. Annorax double-checked the equations on his PADD, and then turned to face his first officer, Obrist. “Prepare for temporal incursion!”

Obrist, who was lounging in his seat with his feet on his console, dismissed his captain with a wave of his hand. “Do it yourself, you jerk! I quit 500 years ago, and so did every other member of this crew! We’re all tired of you and your stupid calculations! If we wanted to do temporal computations all day, we’d do algebra in a clock shop!”

Annorax got up, walked over to Obrist, threw him to the floor, and activated the weapon himself. A bright lavender beam shot through the weapon’s lenses and then to the planet below. Within mere seconds, every single person and building on the planet vanished from the space-time continuum, and a shockwave centered on Risa began to spread throughout the galaxy which would make it conform to the changes in the timeline.

Annorax got back in his chair and afforded himself a little smile. “I’m one step closer to being reunited with my wife...”

A woman who had been standing next to Annorax looked down and began yelling at him. “I’m not gone, you idiot! I’m right here! I was never erased from time! I don’t know where you get this silly idea that you have to erase planets from history to get me back when I’ve been standing right here this entire time! Not only that, but we’re tens of thousands of light-years from the Krenim Imperium! How, pray tell, do you expect to change it by erasing a resort planet that has absolutely nothing to do with it? Are you listening to me? No, of course you’re not! In 700 years, neither you or any of your flunkies have acknowledged my presence in the least! You’re all a bunch of morons!”

Annorax sighed. “You know, sometimes I think I can still hear her voice...”

Several light-years away, the crew of the Relativity was proceeding with its search for the intruders from other timelines. However, Captain Braxton was already beginning to get quite bored. “This is so dull! I wish the Excelsior was still around. There was never a dull moment last season!”

Ducane said, “Sir, the Excelsior crew nearly destroyed the entire Federation. We do not want them back.”

“That’s right... I keep forgetting they were evil. Still, I wonder what happened to them...”

Braxton paused and looked around. Ducane got curious. “Sir, what are you doing?”

“Well, isn’t this usually the part where we cut away to see what’s going on with the Excelsior?”

“I told you that they didn’t show up on the upcoming episode scanners, sir. However, I’m sure we’ll find out what happened with them soon enough...”

Suddenly, the ship went to red alert. Dax checked the sensors. “Sir, there’s a temporal shockwave headed towards us!”

“No, there’s a temporal shockwave headed towards us! Wait a minute... Didn’t we just have a temporal shockwave in the last episode? Can’t we have something a little more original?”

Ducane nodded. “Well, it’s not like we have any choice in the matter, sir. What are your orders?”

Unfortunately, the temporal effects of the shockwave had already begun to amplify the effects of Braxton’s temporal psychosis. He was looking down at his hands just mumbling over and over again, “The M&M’s want to stay in my hands... They don’t melt there...”

Ducane tapped his communicator. “Ducane to Sickbay. Doctor, you’re needed on the bridge. The captain’s talking to nonexistent candy again...”

The first officer then turned to Yar. “Raise the shields! That should protect us from the temporal effects of the wave! Dax, I want you to extrapolate the origin of this wave!”

Before Dax could do so, the shockwave passed over the ship. However, the ship suffered no damage. Well, okay, it suffered a little damage, but yet another one of Sulu’s teacups breaking isn’t exactly dire.

Dax finished the extrapolation. “Sir, the shockwave seems to have originated from Risa. However, I’m not picking up anything from Risa at all. No people, no buildings... Nothing.”

Ducane was stunned. “Egads! The Federation’s premiere resort planet destroyed? I guess all my built up shore leave will go to waste...”

The Doctor finally arrived on the bridge and injected Braxton with some of his medication. Within a minute, he was back to normal, or at least as close to normal as he usually gets. Yar’s console began to beep. “Sir, we’re being hailed!”

Braxton sighed. “And we just had the windshield replaced last week...”

Ducane groaned. “I thought we were finally rid of that joke...”

The disembodied head of Admiral Picard came onscreen. Ducane was a bit surprised. “I didn’t expect to see you again so soon, sir.”

“I told you I’d be in a few episodes this season, Ducane.”

“Yes, but I thought that was just a vague threat like that ‘I’ll be seeing you soon, Harry’ thing.”

“No, not in this case. Braxton, how’s your ship?”

“It’s fine, sir. No damage at all, except for Sulu’s teacup, and that doesn’t really matter.”

Sulu began to cry. “It matters to me!”

Picard ignored the helmsman. “Braxton, we’ve analyzed the energy signature of the shockwave as being Krenim in origin. Furthermore, one of the temporal distortions from the last episode was in the region you are in now. I believe that an Annorax from an alternate timeline may be wreaking havoc with history. I want Annorax and his ship put out of commission! Picard out!”

Braxton turned to the still-sniveling Sulu. “Set a course for the Excelsior, maximum velocity!”

“I think you mean Annorax’s weapon/ship, sir.”

“No, I think I meant Annorax’s weapon/ship.”

Back in orbit around Risa, Annorax was scanning the continuum for changes to the timeline. “Let’s see... The erasure of Risa has caused the general ‘fun level’ of the Federation to drop to practically nothing, leading to the immense popularity of Vulcan chanting, but there’s still no sign of Kyana Prime... Or my wife...”

Annorax’s wife began banging her head against a bulkhead. “I’m right here, you moron! Not only that, but I hate Vulcan chanting!”

Annorax turned to Obrist. “Begin a new set of calculations!”

Obrist yawned. “Do it yourself! I’m busy playing this cool game I picked up from Risa before you erased it. I just hope it doesn’t seize control of my mind...”

The warning klaxon went off. Annorax checked the sensors. “A Federation vessel is approaching! All hands to battle stations!”

Annorax’s crew ignored his order as the Relativity approached...

To Be Continued...

UPN Promo:

Next time, on Star Trek: Series ?, as Captain Braxton attempts to stop Annorax from erasing any more planets from history, a minor yet almost forgotten plot line is resolved!