Episode 29: “The Episodes of Heck, Part II”

Written by “Krenim”

Published April 7, 2001

“Captain’s Log. We have arrived at the planet Risa. All traces of civilization have vanished from the planet’s surface, and we have positively identified Annorax’s temporal weapon/ship also in orbit. And no, we still don’t know what happened to the Excelsior.”

Yar’s console beeped. “Sir, we’re receiving a transmission from the weapon/ship.”

Captain Braxton shook his head. “No, we’re receiving a transmission from the the weapon/ship. Put it onscreen.”

Annorax’s face appeared on the main screen. “Who are you?”

Braxton thought for a moment, then turned to Ducane. “Who am I again?”

Ducane whispered something in Braxton’s ear, and Braxton then turned back to the screen. “I am Captain Braxton of the Federation Timeship Relativity. You are in violation of the Temporal Prime Directive. Lower your temporal shields and prepare to be boarded.”

Annorax sighed. “You’re far from home, Captain, and in a manner of speaking, so am I. But only one of us can return home...”

“Wait a minute... We are home, you idiot!”

“Oh yeah... Well, same to you! Obrist, get a sample of their hull and beam two of their main cast members aboard!”

Obrist, however, was busy playing the game he picked from Risa while mumbling, “I will take control of the ship...”

Annorax pushed a few buttons, and Sulu vanished. Ducane checked the internal sensors. “Sir, they got Sulu and Damar!”

“They took Sulu?! I mean, Damar’s a complete incompetent, but we need Sulu!”

Ducane interrupted his captain. “Actually, sir, Damar’s managed to do something none of us have been able to do so far.”

“Oh, what’s that?”

“He managed to figure out what kind of drive system we have.”

“Really? He must be a lot smarter than I thought...”

“Not really, sir. He got so drunk that he passed out on the Engineering floor, and when he came to, he found the ship’s technical manual hidden under a console.”

“Hmm... I wonder how it got down there...”

“Well, it had this note attached to it...”

Ducane handed Braxton the note. “Hmm... ‘To whom it may concern: We’ve hidden this technical manual where you’ll never find it! Nyah! Sincerely, Gul Dukat and the Mysterious Red Button.’ Well, I guess we got the last laugh. The Mysterious Red Button is probably still falling down that flaming bottomless pit, and Gul Dukat is probably gone forever, along with the rest of the Excelsior crew! The galaxy can rest safe with him and all his cohorts mysteriously missing!”

“Sir, not all the Excelsior crew is missing...”

“Really? Let me see... There’s Evil Braxton, Dark Helmet, Janice Rand, Dmitri Valtane, Hawk, Yoda, Gul Dukat, Victor Frankenstein, and Harvey the Wonder Hamster. That’s all of them, and they’re all missing.”

“You forgot Galvatron, sir.”

“I completely forgot about Galvatron... I wonder whatever happened to him...”

“Well, sir, I think we’re about to cut away to what’s going on with him right now...”

Galvatron was not a happy camper. He was in chains in front of the Federation Council deep in the bowels of Starfleet Command. The trial was about to begin when the Klingon Ambassador came out yelling. “The Klingon Empire demands the extradition of Galvatron! He developed the Genesis weapon which he planned to use to cause the annihilation of the Klingon people! We demand justice!”

The judge banged his gavel. “That’s the wrong speech, you idiot!”

“Oh... Never mind.” With that, the ambassador ran out in tears.

The judge turned to Galvatron. “I’ve been reviewing the evidence against you, and I’ve come to a very important conclusion.”

Galvatron looked puzzled. “What’s that?”

“You never actually did anything during this whole series except for laughing manically in the background.”

“Hah! I knew you guys couldn’t pin anything on me!”

“Actually, laughing maniacally in the background is a misdemeanor in the Federation. How do you plead?”

“Guilty! Bwahahahaha!”

“Very well. I sentence you to time served, so you are free to go.”

“Cool! Now I can take that job offer!”

“Job offer?”

“Yeah, an internet company wants to hire me as their spokesman!”

“Really, which one?”


“I walked right into that one, didn’t I?”

“Yes, you did.”

Meanwhile, Sulu and Damar were lead into a dining hall with a banquet on the table. Annorax got up to greet them. “Welcome to my ship, gentlemen.”

Sulu began yelling, “You had better beam us back to our ship, Annorax! Captain Braxton won’t rest until he gets us back!”

Damar covered his ears. “Could you please stop yelling like that? I have a hangover...”

Annorax shook his head. “I’m afraid I can’t send you back now. However, consider yourselves my guests. Feel free to help yourselves to this meal.”

While Damar proceeded to get drunk yet again, Sulu began hatching a plot to escape...

Back on the Relativity bridge, Captain Braxton was getting quite impatient. “Well, it’s about time the show got back to us! It cut away to Galvatron’s trial before we could find out what kind of drive system we have! Ducane, what kind of drive system do we have?”

“A hyperwarp drive, sir.”

“Wait a minute, isn’t that the kind they have in Star Wars?”

“No, sir, that’s a hyperdrive.”

“Oh... Well, what do you suppose we should do now?”

“We should probably rescue Sulu and Damar, sir.”

“No, we should probably rescue Sulu and Damar. Where did Annorax’s ship get off to?”

“It’s trying to get away, but thanks to this series’ excellent continuity, it’s only traveling at Warp 6. We’ll easily be able to catch up to it with our hyperwarp drive.”

“Excellent! Mr. Sulu, set a course for the weapon/ship! Maximum hyperwarp!”

“Sir, Sulu’s not here, remember?”

“Uh oh... Without a helmsman, how will we ever catch Annorax?”

To Be Continued...

UPN Promo:

Next time, on Star Trek: Series ?, Sulu and Damar attempt to escape Annorax’s clutches while Captain Braxton tries to get the Relativity going!