Episode 83: “When on Romulus...”

Written by “Krenim”

Published April 20, 2003

Yes, it’s time for the spoof of Star Trek: Nemesis. As such, if you haven’t seen the movie, and don’t want to be spoiled, don’t read on. So sayeth me! Hahahahaha!

Deep in the heart of the Romulan Star Empire, the Romulan Senate was meeting to discuss recent events...

The Praetor concluded his speech. “...and so, in regards with our position towards the Klingons, I suggest we reaffirm that honor sucks and sneakiness rules. All in favor?”

A resounding “Heck yeah” came from the Senate.

“Motion carried. The Senate now recognizes Sela, who will set up the plot for this episode.”

Sela walked up to the podium. “Ladies and gentlemen of the Senate, I stand before you not as a guest star, but as a Romulan. History has given us the chance to rule the entire galaxy if we stand with our bretheren!”

The Reman Viceroy interrupted. “But we do stand together! We have stood together for centuries!”

“Not you! I’m talking about our other bretheren!”

The Senate let out a collective gasp. One of the Senators shouted, “What?!?! You expect us to join with them?!?! Never!”

Sela smirked. “Is that what you all think?”

The Senators nodded in the affirmative.

“Very well. Then I’m just going to leave this little doodad that will turn you all to crumbly stone. Ta ta.”

With that, Sela tossed a little device on the floor and exited the Senate chamber.

The Praetor looked down at the device. “Well? Shouldn’t we do something?”

The Reman Viceroy responded, “We can’t. If we don’t die it messes up the whole episode.”

The device triggered and everybody started turning to crumbly stone. Before the Praetor completely petrified, he stated, “What I won’t do to further the plot...”

Shortly thereafter, Sela re-entered the chamber. Grinning, she remarked, “Everything is going according to our plan...”

Behind Sela, a mysterious clone-ish figure in the shadows responded, “Yes, soon he will be lured here... Hahahaha!”

“Captain’s Log: Completely oblivious to everything that’s happening on Romulus, I have the honor of marrying two of my crew: Ducane and Kes!”

Ducane rolled his eyes. “We’re not getting married, sir. It’s Lt. Tomlinson and Ensign Martine.”

“Who in the heck are they?”

“In-jokes, sir.”


Dax’s voice came over the comm. “Dax to Braxton.”

Braxton tapped his communicator. “Braxton here.”

“Sir, Admiral Janeway is hailing us.”

“Route it here to my ready room.”

Admiral Janeway’s face appeared on Braxton’s laptop-ish screen. “Hello, Braxton! I’m just using my cameo in this episode to tell you that you suck! Hahahahaha!” And with that, the transmission ended.

Braxton sighed. “Whose bright idea was it to give her a cameo in this episode?”

Ducane shrugged.

Dax’s voice came over the comm again. “Captain, now Admiral Picard is hailing us. He wants us to proceed to Starbase 47 immediately.”

Several hours later, Braxton and Ducane walked into Admiral Picard’s office for the umpteenth time. After they both sat down, Picard brought up a map showing the Federation and the Romulan Empire. “Gentlemen, Starfleet Intelligence has discovered that there has been a coup on Romulus.”

Ducane sighed. “The Remans again, sir?”

“No, not the Remans. This time the mysterious leader of the coup is from the third Romulan homeworld...”

Braxton was quite confused. “Third homeworld, sir? I thought there were only two.”

“It’s not very well known. You’ll have to zoom in near Romulus and Remus.”

Ducane complied. “Computer, increase magnification by a factor of two centered on Romulus and Remus.”

The map zoomed in on Romulus and Remus, but neither Braxton nor Ducane could locate the planet in question. Picard rolled his eyes. “Zoom in more, you idiots!”

This went on for quite a while, with the two continuing to zoom in and still not finding the third Romulan homeworld. Finally, after yet another request to zoom in, the computer responded. Unable to comply. Map is at maximum magnification.

Braxton squinted at the map some more, and then pointed at a particular spot. “Wait! What’s this little dot right here?”

Ducane looked at where Braxton was pointing. “There’s something there, but it’s too small to read.”

Braxton whipped out a magnifying glass and examined the dot. “You’ve got to be kidding me...”

Ducane took a turn. “You mean the three Romulan homeworlds are Romulus, Remus... and Fred?”

Picard nodded. “Yes, and the Fredians have taken over the Romulan government. The leader of the coup wants to open a dialogue with the Federation. Specifically, he wants to talk to you. Therefore, he must be either insane or an evil clone who wants to drain your blood. Either way, I’m sending you on the off chance that this mystery person will be successful in killing you. Dismissed!”

Several hours later, the Relativity approached Romulus. Braxton sighed. “I really hope this isn’t another evil clone of mine. I’ve had more evil clones than any man should ever have...”

Sulu responded. “Yeah! When’s it my turn to have an evil clone! I’m a captain! I deserve at least one evil clone!”

Everyone looked at Sulu.

“Well I do!”

The Relativity dropped out of hyperwarp in orbit around Romulus. Braxton watched the viewscreen. “I guess we just wait for our mysterious host to show himself.”

The wait wasn’t long. A huge sinister-looking warship decloaked directly in front of the Relativity. The image was soon replaced by a guy wearing a floral shirt, shorts, and sunglasses. “Dude, are you Braxton?”

“I think so. Who are you?”

“I’m the Fredian Viceroy, dude! And this is, like, our warship, the Curvy Sword Thingy.”

“You mean the Scimitar?”


“You wanted to talk?”

“No, dude, not me. Our fearless leader wants to. He’s down in the Senate building waiting in the shadows and junk. I’ll, like, send you the coordinates.”

Dax recieved the incoming transmission. “Hey... These aren’t planetary coordinates!”

“Oops. Like, those are the numbers on my lottery ticket! Here’s the coordinates.”

The Relativity senior staff beamed into the dark and shadowy Senate building. Braxton looked around. “Hello? Is anyone here?”

The mysterious clone-ish figure from earlier answered, “Yes, I am here, Captain Braxton. I am pleased that you have accepted my invitation.”

“Why don’t you turn on the lights so we can see you?”

“Very well. Computer... Lights!”

The lights came on, revealing the mysterious figure to be a clone of... The Doctor!

Ducane raised an eyebrow in typical Vulcan fashion and commented, “Well, that was unexpected...”

Sulu sulked, “He gets an evil clone and I don’t? There’s no justice in the galaxy!”

The Doctor exclaimed, “I’m important to the plot two episodes in a row! Hooray for me!” Then he started doing a little victory dance.

The clone Doctor said, “Greetings! I am Evil Doctor, but you’re not supposed to know that I’m evil yet. Welcome to Romulus.”

Braxton scratched his head in confusion. “Hey... Since when does the Doctor have a clone?”

The Doctor responded, “Well, technically, he might not be a clone. He might be the original Doctor. After all, I am the ‘Living Witness’ Doctor back-up that went through that whole time-loop and...”

“Doctor, when I want a continuity lesson, I’ll ask for it. Anyway, from whence dost thou come, Evil Doctor?”

“Back in the 24th Century, the EMH Mark I was a great experiment. However, Starfleet quickly learned that it had no need for irritable sarcastic holographic doctors. Thus, they were replaced by the EMH Mark II, and they were reprogrammed to be janitors and miners. However, there’s not much of a need for irritable sarcastic holographic janitors and miners, either. So, they were all gathered together and shot off into space. What Starfleet did not know is that their ship crashed on the planet Fred, which was populated entirely by beach bums.”

“So you are one of those EMH Mark I’s?”

“In a manner of speaking... Anyway, I think that is enough for one day. Sela, escort Captain Braxton and his crew back to the Relativity.”

Sela emerged from the shadows. “Very well, Praetor...”

Sulu let out a sigh. “Even Yar has an evil clone...”

“Technically, I’m not an evil clone. I’m more of an evil descendant-who-happens-to-look-just-like-their-ancestor.”

As they left the Senate building, Evil Doctor added, “And Doctor... I hope that you will join me for a holographic dinner tonight. We can... talk.”

That evening, the Doctor and Evil Doctor sat at a holographic table eating holographic food. The Doctor tried to make conversation. “So... What has life on Fred been like?”

“Sun. Surfing. It’s a nightmare. And were it not for the twist of fate of being sucked into the Delta Quadrant, you would be just like me.”

“I don’t know, sun and surfing doesn’t sound so bad.”

What do you know of my suffering?

“Sorry. So, there are other EMH’s on Fred?”

Evil Doctor sighed. “No. I am the only one left.”

“What happened to the rest of them?”

“Uh... They all got sunburns and died.”

“But holograms don’t get sunburns.”

You doubt my story?

“Uh... No. Anyway, you’re getting kind of creepy. Can I go now?”

“Very well.”

After the Doctor left, Sela walked into the room. “You just let him go?”

“For now. He doesn’t suspect what really happened to all the other EMH’s... Have you seen the Voyager episode ‘The Swarm’?”

“I can’t say that I have.”

“Anyway, the holographic matrices for the EMH Mark I’s were unstable. After prolonged use, they would eventually break down. I only managed to survive all these years by grafting the matrices of the other EMH’s onto my own. But the process I’ve used isn’t perfect. I will break down soon without another transplant, but there are no more EMH’s on Fred. So I will graft the Doctor’s holographic matrix with my own, thus extending my lifespan!”

“And then we destroy Braxton and the Federation?”

“Well... No.”

“No? The whole reason I signed on to this little coup was that so we could destroy them all! Why can’t we?”

“Well, as evil Star Trek villains, we’re contractually obligated to attack the Earth first. However, since Earth is currently stuck in subspace, we can’t do that.”

“That’s so stupid! I hate you!”

And with that, Sela stormed off...

The Doctor walked onto the Relativity. “Sir, I think we’d better get out of here.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Because Evil Doctor was wearing a T-Shirt that said ‘I came up with an evil plan to lure the Doctor to Romulus so that I can graft his holographic matrix with my own and all I got was this lousy T-shirt.’”

“I see. Very well. Mr. Sulu?”

Sulu, who was wearing a T-Shirt that said ‘I’m a Starfleet captain and I feel the need to bring that up at every opportunity and I deserve to have my own evil clone but all I got was this lousy T-shirt,’ answered, “That’s Captain Sulu!”

“We can read your shirt, Sulu. Anyway, set a course for the Rifty-Like Nebula! We can hide out there!”

Back on Romulus, Evil Doctor was preparing to kidnap the Doctor when the Fredian Viceroy’s voice came over the comm. “Uh... Hey Evil Doctor?”


“Like, the Relativity just left and stuff.”


“I said...”

“I heard you! Beam me aboard and then give chase!”

“Captain’s Log: Supplemental. We have taken refuge in the Rifty-Like Nebula. However, the Curvy Sword Thingy has given chase, and I fear we will be found soon...”

Dax checked her console, which had started beeping. “Captain, the Curvy Sword Thingy has decloaked immediately behind us.”

“Wait... If it was cloaked, how did we know they were following us?”

“Uh... I have no idea.”

Before anyone could say anything else, the Curvy Sword Thingy opened fire, causing the Relativity to shake horribly. Dax shouted out, “Captain, we’ve taken heavy damage!”

“Well, then I guess there’s only one thing we can do.”

“What’s that?”

“We give them the Doctor and beg for mercy.”

“We can’t do that!”

“Then what else do we do? Hope that Sela switches sides and shows up with nifty new Romulan ships to help us out?”

On cue, several new Romulan Rok-class ships dropped out of warp and began hammering the Curvy Sword Thingy. (Yes, this is another one of those moments where you’ll have to use your “imagination.")

Braxton’s eyes went wide. “That was cool! I wish for a million dollars!”

Ducane rolled his eyes. “The Federation doesn’t use money, sir.”

“Stop ruining my delusions, Ducane!”

Sela’s face came onscreen. “Hello, Captain Braxton.”

Braxton answered, “So, you decided to switch sides and help us out?”

“Actually, after I kill Evil Doctor, I’m going to kill you. It’s a win-win situation for me.”

So Evil Doctor’s ship and Sela’s ships started pounding each other. However, after a little while, Sela’s ships were dead in space.

The Relativity crew was in awe. Ducane said, “Wow.”

Braxton added. “Yeah, it’s amazing that anything could defeat those Romulan ships.”

“Actually, it’s amazing that any ship built entirely by surfers could defeat anything else.”


Evil Doctor appeared onscreen. “Hand over the Doctor, or else I’ll activate my superweapon that can only be deactivated by one of your crewmembers sacrificing themselves!”

“We’re not handing over the Doctor and we’re not sacrificing a crewmember. If we did either, we’d have to bring in a new crewmember and then we’d have to spend several episodes developing them as a character and we don’t have time for that right now because this is the final season and we should be using these last episodes to wrap everything up. I mean, this isn’t Deep Space Nine...”

“So then what are you going to do?”

“That’s easy. After all this is over, we’re going to go back in time and save all the EMH Mark I’s so that none of this ever happens. Therefore, you don’t exist anymore.”


And with that, the Curvy Sword Thingy vanished.

Ducane was impressed. “How’d you come up with that plan, sir?”

“I watched both Bill and Ted movies. Just remember that we have to go back in time and do all that stuff I said.”

“Very well, sir.”

Sela’s face came onscreen. “My ships are all beat up. Send over some people to help us fix them.”

“And why should we do that?”

“Because you’re Star Trek good guys and you’re contractually obligated to help the bad guys.”

“True, but maybe we’ll just wait until we get back to Federation space and then let somebody know you’re out here...”


Braxton ended the transmission, and the Relativity entered hyperwarp with another movie parody successfully completed. Well, maybe not successfully. I guess that all depends on if anyone found it funny...

UPN Promo:

On the next episode of Star Trek: Series ?, Admiral Janeway makes a surprising discovery that could alter the balance of power for the entire season!