Episode 84: “Tuvok and Roll”

Written by “Krenim”

Published May 1, 2003

“Evil Admiral’s Evil Log: We have once again hidden ourselves from both sides of the Vaad War following our failed attempt to gain control of Dr. Chaotica’s fleet. So... I guess we’re just going to sit around and do nothing the entire episode. Isn’t that exciting?”

Having nothing in particular to do, the evil crew of the evil Excelsior had set up a poker game on the bridge. Yoda and Dark Helmet were beating the pants off everyone else by reading their minds.

After yet another round, Hawk put down his cards and stood up. “I’ll be back in a few minutes. It’s time to feed the prisoners.”

Janeway thought for a moment, then asked, “Prisoners? As in more than one? I thought Zo’or was our only prisoner...”

“Nah, there’s this one other guy. When the Braxton Bunch took over the ship, he was the only one who refused to become evil...”

Several years earlier...

Hawk shoved Tuvok out of the turbolift and onto the Excelsior’s bridge. There, the rest of the senior staff was assembled behind the Braxton Bunch.

Old Psycho Braxton sneered at the Vulcan. “Mr. Valtane tells me that you haven’t been showing up for your shift lately.”

Tuvok coldly replied, “That is correct.”

“Not only that, but you haven’t attented Evil 101: Basic Evil or Evil 102: Advanced Evil. You know I’ve made attending at least one of these seminars mandatory, don’t you?”

“I am well aware of that fact.”


“I am a Starfleet officer, and as such, I will never serve anyone as evil as yourself.”

Old Psycho Braxton muttered under his breath, “That’s what you think... Heh heh heh...”

“I beg your pardon?”

“Oh, nothing...”

He turned to his two other temporal clones. “Do you two have anything to add before I pass judgement?”

“Well, if A leads to B, and B leads to C...”


“Those are both excellent points. Tuvok, you are hereby confined to your quarters forever! Bwahahahaha!”

Galvatron whacked Old Psycho Braxton over the head with his particle cannon. “I do the maniacal laughing around here!”

Dark Helmet whispered to Yoda, “I didn’t think Galvatron was going to show up anymore.”

“Flashback this is. Count this does not.”

Tuvok answered, “Your logic is flawed, as I do not have quarters of my own.”

“Fine, then I’ll assign you quarters and then you’ll be confined to them!”

As Tuvok was being led away, Rand asked Old Psycho Braxton, “Uh... Us being evil and all, shouldn’t we torture or kill him or something?”

“Normally, yes. But I have the feeling Tuvok will be important to the plot years in the future...”

Back in the present...

Janeway was so furious that the coffee in the coffee mug she was holding was boiling over. “What?!?! You’ve been holding my most trusted friend and advisor prisoner this whole time and nobody bothered to tell me?!?!”

The rest of the evil senior staff had taken refuge behind consoles and under chairs. Rand meekly answered, “Well, you didn’t ask...”

Janeway took a big gulp of her boiling coffee, put down the coffee mug, picked up the phaser rifle that just happened to be nearby, and vaporized the chair Rand was hiding under. “Somebody go get him and bring him to me now!

Hawk nearly tripped over himself running to the turbolift. After he was gone, she thought for a few more seconds, then asked, “Wait... If he’s been imprisoned for so long, shouldn’t Braxton and his dolts have found him when they took over the ship?”

About a year and a half earlier...

Kes and the Doctor made their way down one of the Excelsior’s beat-up corridors. Kes looked around. “I think we’ve found everybody, although how we’re going to shove them all into the brig is beyond me...”

The Doctor whipped out his tricorder and began scanning. “I’m detecting a lifesign about three rooms down...”

The two walked through the debris to the room in question. Taped to the door was a sign written in crayon that said, “Tuvok’s Room. Authorized personnel only. Unauthorized personnel will be subjected to many direct-to-video sequels. Signed, Old Psycho Braxton.” [Image]

Kes nodded. “I had completely forgotten Tuvok was on this ship when he was young. He’s been stuck in there for a while, if the author of the sign is any indication.”

The Doctor tried to open the door, but failed. “Maybe we should blow the door up...”

“Well... Do we really want to let him out? You know he’ll start going on and on about me having to learn discipline to control my powers and blah blah blah...”

“Good point. So what should we do?”

Kes waved her hand. The sign changed to “Hazardous Materials Room. Authorized personnel only. And nobody’s authorized. Unauthorized personnel will be subjected to many direct-to-video sequels. Signed, The Federation Health Organization.” [Image]

“Good one. But how is he going to eat? I don’t think this ship has replicators...”

Kes waved her hand again. “Well, his quarters do now.”

Hiding behind his console, Valtane answered, “I have no idea, but it took forever for somebody to get up the guts to go in to check on him after we got back and found the room sealed by the Federation Health Organization... Direct-to-video sequels are scary...”

Several minutes later, Hawk returned to the bridge with Tuvok in tow. Janeway smiled. “Tuvok, my old friend! It’s good to see you again!”

Tuvok raised one of his eyebrows. “I believe you are mistaken. We have never met.”

“Oh, right. Stupid timeline. But none of that matters! You and I shall rain beautiful destruction across the galaxy!”

We shall not. I refuse to work under anyone as blatantly evil as yourself.”

“That’s what you think... Heh heh heh...”

“Pardon me?”

“Never mind. You won’t change your mind?”


“Very well. Back to your quarters, then.”

As Hawk led Tuvok back to the turbolift, Janeway pointed her phaser rifle back at her crew, who had emerged from their hiding places while Janeway was in a quasi-good mood. “Is there anything else you nitwits want to tell me? You hiding Torres in a Jefferies Tube somewhere?”

Everyone shook their heads very very fast.

“You’d better not be! Anyway, back to the poker game! And I’ll better win this hand or else!

Hawk shoved Tuvok back into his quarters. “I hope you enjoyed your brief vacation. Don’t expect another one...”

The doors shut, leaving the Vulcan all alone again. He immediately went over to one of the walls. On the wall was a large sign that read, “There is not a replicator behind this sign.”

Tuvok almost chuckled, but not quite. “It is fortunate that I am being held captive by morons. Otherwise, they would have caught onto my plan by now...”

He took down the sign, revealing the replicator behind it. “Computer, replicate the final component.”

The replicator whined and a piece of paper appeared in a flash of blue light. Tuvok took the paper and scribbled something on it. He then reached under his bed, pulled out a device, and taped the paper to it. Written on the paper were the words, “This is not a communications device.”

Tuvok muttered to himself, “Just in case...”

He sat down in front of the device and began transmitting...

Meanwhile, the crew of the Relativity had just gotten back from going back in time and saving all the EMHs (no point in leaving any loose ends).

Dax’s console started beeping, but Dax was nowhere to be seen. Braxton looked annoyed. “Where’s she gotten off to?”

Ducane answered, “She and Damar are still in Sickbay with really bad headaches. Listening to several hundred EMHs sing opera for hours on end while their matrices are stabilized will do that a person.”

“Oh yeah. Well, will somebody check her console? That beeping is going to give me a headache soon...”

Ducane got up and checked the console. “We’re being hailed.”

“By icy spheres or a person?”

“A person, sir.”

“Very good. Put it onscreen.”

Tuvok’s face appeared on the main viewer. “Captain Braxton, I presume?”

“Wait a minute... Don’t I know you?”

Ducane answered, “Yes, sir, that’s Tuvok. He’s one of Janeway’s tactical officers.”

“I thought Hawk was her tactical officer.”

“Tuvok was Voyager’s tactical officer. But I think this Tuvok is from the time period when he was serving on the Excelsior.”

Tuvok rolled his eyes and said, “If I can interrupt this conversation for a moment, I need to be rescued. I have been held captive onboard the Excelsior since the Braxton Bunch took over.”

Braxton thought for a second, then said, “That can’t be right. Kes and the Doctor double-checked to make sure we found everyone on the Excelsior when we took it over not too long ago. Surely they would have found you...”

Kes and the Doctor whistled innocently in the background.

Tuvok, tired of yet more stupidity, asked, “Will you rescue me or not?”

Ducane thought for a second. “Tuvok, how would you like to help the Federation out?”

“You’re going to ask me to stay here, aren’t you?”

“Having a spy aboard the Excelsior would help us greatly. Besides, helping us defeat Janeway once and for all means you get rescued all the sooner...”

“That is logical. But how am I to be a spy? I am just a junior science officer.”

“I know you’ve got the makings of a great tactical officer, Tuvok. You’ll find a way... Relativity out.”

Tuvok put away his communications device and went over to the replicator. “Tactical officer, huh? Computer, replicate the foremost authority on being a tactical officer.”

A book appeared in the replicator. Tuvok picked it up, looked at it, and commented, “How ironic.”

And with that, he sat down and began reading Tactics for Dummies.

UPN Promo:

On the next episode of Star Trek: Series ?, Scorpius returns claiming that he can rescue the Earth from subspace! But will his plan backfire?