Episode 87: “Losers, Guns, and Money, Part II”

Written by “Krenim”

Published June 21, 2003

Previously on Star Trek: Series ?...

And now the continuation...

Captain Steve’s Command Carrier continued towards the Relativity and the Mirror Excelsior.

Captain Braxton continued to panic. “We’re doomed! Doomed! If only we had some sort of cloaking device!”

Yar came over, slapped Braxton, and shouted, “We do have a cloaking device, you idiot!”

Braxton, who now had a red handprint across his face, asked, “We do?”

“Yes, we do! You keep forgetting we have it!”

“Oh... Then cloak us!”

Ducane asked, “What about the Mirror Excelsior?”

“Well, sucks to be them, doesn’t it?”


“Oh alright... Can we extend the cloak?”

Dax thought for a second. “Maybe. But it would require a lot of power. And I do mean a lot.”

“Very well. Divert power from the weapons to the cloaking device.”

“That’s not enough, sir.”


“Still not enough.”



“Transporters, replicators, and holomatrices?”


“Okay then, divert power from Damar’s GameCube.”

Damar’s jaw dropped. “But sir, I didn’t save my game before I reported for duty!”

“Well, you should have thought about that beforehand.”

Dax smiled. “We’ve got just enough power now, sir!”

“Initiate cloak!”

And with that, both ships vanished...

Aboard Captain Steve’s Command Carrier, Captain Steve was throwing a fit. “Where did they go?”

Lt. Broccoli yawned and said, “Well, if I had to guess, I’d say that they have some sort of invisibility device. Furthermore, I’d say that such a device must be draining so much power to hide both ships that their engines and shields must be offline. Therefore, if we fire our weapons at where both ships were moments ago, we’d destroy them both.”

Captain Steve thought for a few seconds, then replied, “That makes so much sense that it couldn’t possibly be true! Therefore, we’re going with my wild assumption that they’ve simply ceased to exist. Let’s get out of here!”

“Then can we get some sleep?”

“Well... Okay, it’s not like they’re going to magically reappear anytime soon, so I won’t need you for a while.”

And with that, the Command Carrier turned around and left the system.

Back on the Relativity, Captain Braxton was doing a victory dance. Dax, however, spoiled his fun. “Sir, you do realize that in order to beam up the money, we’re going to need to drop the cloak?”

“Of course I was aware of that! How stupid do you think I am?”

Everyone glared at Braxton.

“Okay, so I wasn’t aware of that! But what’s the big deal?”

“Once we drop the cloak, Captain Steve will detect us and we’ll be sitting ducks.”

“Hmm... What we need is a convenient plot contrivance to get us out of this jam!”

As if on cue, Dax reported, “There’s another ship entering the system, sir.”

“What kind of ship?”

“How the heck should I know? What do I look like, an expert on Farscape ships?”

Scorpius came over and looked at the sensor data. He snarled, “That’s a Scarran ship.”

“Is that a bad thing?”

“Normally, yes, that would definitely fit into the ‘bad things’ catagory. But if Captain Steve returns, the Scarrans will probably take care of him for us.”

Meanwhile, down in the First National Bank of Shadow, Natira greeted her new clients completely unaware of the increasingly large problem in her vault. “Greetings! How may I help you gentlemen?”

One of the Scarrans handed her a potted flower. “We want you to keep this in your vault.”

“A flower? What’s so special about it?”

“Uh... Nothing in particular, like eating its petals makes us smarter or the sort.”

“Oh. Well, what you choose to do with your flora is your business, I suppose. I’ll go stick it in the vault right now.”

Natira went over to the vault and punched in the secret code. The massive vault door swung open, and a massive wave of tribbles spewed out, completely engulfing everyone.

The Scarrans managed to wade out of the tribbles and picked one up. “What are these things?”

Natira pulled herself out of the tribbles and onto a counter. “I had someone drop off one of these things and a barrel of some grain with some stupid name not more than a few hours ago! They must have been trying to crack the vault to rob us! Someone close the vault!”

Unfortunately, there were so many tribbles by then that they couldn’t shut the vault door...

Dax suddenly looked up from her console. “Sir, I’ve got some good news and some bad news! The bad news is that the vault was opened before there were enough tribbles to crack it! The good news is that there are enough tribbles to prevent them from closing the vault again! If we’re going to rob them, we’d better do it now!”

Within a minute, everyone was armed with phaser rifles and they all beamed down...

Captain Steve’s Command Carrier hadn’t gotten far before Captain Steve’s brother noticed something. “Hey Steve! Those two ships just reappeared right in the same place they were when they vanished!”

“What? How can my completely baseless assumption be incorrect? To battle stations!”

“You sent everyone to bed, remember?”

“Right... We’ll need a loud grating sound to wake them all up... Get my Céline Dion CD!”

Down in the First National Bank of Shadow, there was a firefight as the Relativity crew tried to wade through the tribbles to the vault.

Sulu was making some headway when he suddenly got grabbed. “Yoink!”

It was one of the Scarrans. Sulu rolled his eyes. “Was it really necessary to say ‘yoink’ when you grabbed me?”

“Yes. Yes it was.”

And with that, the Scarran hauled him off.

After a few more minutes of fighting, Scorpius managed to sneak behind Natira and hold a phaser to her head. “Hello, Natira...”


“Indeed. I’m afraid that we’re in dire need of the funds located within your vault, so be a dear and call off your guards.”

“I just can’t resist you, Scorpius. You always did have the most handsome eyes...”

“Let’s not go down that road, Natira...”

They all went into the vault and each grabbed a huge sack of money. Braxton asked, “Does everyone have a huge sack of money?”

Everyone did, including Sulu, who was also wearing a shirt that said “I’m Sulu. Really. I am!” They then got out of the vault and beamed back up to the Relativity.

Once back, they immediately noticed that Captain Steve’s Command Carrier was back. Braxton shouted, “Quick! Get the cloak back on line!”

The Relativity shook as the Carrier’s frag cannons hit. Dax shook her head. “Those shots just took out our cloak!”

“Then I guess we’re doomed!”

Just then, the Scarran ship started firing at the Command Carrier. Captain Steve was quite annoyed. “If there’s one thing I hate more than guys who run over my brother several times, it’s Scarrans!”

So the two Farscape ships started firing on each other.

Braxton looked to Sulu. “Get us out of here, Sulu!”

“Yes, sir!”

Both ships made a hasty retreat. As soon as they were a safe distance away, Braxton stood up, aimed his phaser rifle at Sulu and blew off half his head. What was inside Sulu’s head definitely wasn’t human.

Scorpius looked at the remains. “It’s a Scarran bioloid! But how did you know?”

“That’s easy. Since when does Sulu ever miss an opportunity to remind us of his rank?”

Everyone had to agree with that.

Yar shrugged and said, “Well, at least he finally got that evil clone he’s been wanting...”

To Be Continued...

UPN Promo:

A terrible plot is set in motion when the Mysterious Red Button finally hits bottom (sort of)! But with Braxton and his crew presumed dead, who will ride to the rescue?