Episode 86: “Losers, Guns, and Money, Part I”

Written by “Krenim”

Published June 6, 2003

Deep in the heart of the Uncharted Territories, the Relativity and the Mirror Excelsior were hidden inside the rings of a gas giant. The Relativity crew assembled in the observation lounge, where Mirror Evil Braxton and Scorpius began to explain the situation.

Scorpius began. “As you know, my failed subspace drive was based upon my wormhole research. In addition to being thrown into the Farscape universe, we have been thrown 800 years into the past to the time just after the show ended.”

Mirror Evil Braxton concurred. “Yes, the effects of the temporal shockwave that sent us here had the same effect. For the past few years, we’ve been on the run from the evil Captain Steve...”

Captain Braxton asked, “Captain Steve?”

“Yeah, we accidentally ran over his brother...”


“...multiple times.”

“How do you run over someone multiple times accidentally?”

“It’s a long story. Anyway, Captain Steve will stop at nothing to stop us. We were hopeful that you were here to rescue us, but it seems that you are trapped here with us.”

Scorpius interjected. “Not necessarily. It may yet be possible to repair the subspace drive and send us both home. But we shall have to obtain the necessary components, and they won’t be cheap.”

Ducane asked, “Can’t we just replicate the components?”


“Why not?”

“I don’t know. We just can’t. Besides, if we could, there wouldn’t be any plot to this episode, now would there?”

“Good point.”

Braxton smiled. “Well, let’s go buy the parts we need.”

“Sir, need I remind you that the Federation doesn’t use money?”

“Yes, you do.”

“And do I need to remind you that we’re in an alternate universe and therefore even if we did have Federation money it would be no good here?”

“Yes, you need to do that too.”

Scorpius thought for a second. “Well, we could always rob a Shadow Depository. They’re good for a ton of cash.”

Mirror Evil Braxton said, “They’re not called Shadow Depositories anymore. Apparently, people found the name too creepy.”

“Oh? What are they called now?”

“The First National Bank of Shadow.”

Scorpius rolled his eyes. “Fine. Let’s go rob the First National Bank of Shadow.”

And so, they set about coming up with a plan to rob a bank...

Aboard Captain Steve’s Command Carrier, Captain Steve continued the hunt for the Mirror Excelsior. “Lt. Broccoli, have you detected the Mirror Excelsior yet?”

Lt. Broccoli, who was about to stab Captain Steve in the back (literally), quickly hid his knife. “Not yet, Captain. Maybe if you let us, oh, I don’t know, sleep for the first time in years, we’d be awake enough to do a better job at finding it.”

“Sleep? Never! I’ll make Mirror Evil Braxton pay for killing my brother!”

Captain Steve’s brother interrupted. “But I’m not dead.”

“True, but you being dead just sounds so much cooler than you just suffering a few broken bones and wanting to sue. Keep looking!”

Eventually, the Relativity crew came up with a decent plan of how to rob the First National Bank of Shadow. Lt. Ducane stepped into Sickbay, where the Doctor was sitting around doing nothing in particular. “Doctor, I need you to help with the plan to rob the bank.”

“I’m a doctor, not a criminal!”

“Yes, yes, we all know you can do a great McCoy impersonation... Anyway, I had the computer bring up this genetic code. Do you think you can clone one of these creatures in the next few hours?”

The Doctor took the PADD Ducane was holding and looked at it. “But isn’t this the genetic code for a...”


“But why would you want one of those?”

“You’ll see...”

Several hours later, the senior staff of the Relativity beamed down near the First National Bank of Shadow. Braxton quickly asked, “Are we absolutely sure we can’t just beam the money out of their vault?”

Dax nodded. “Yes. Thanks to another one of this episode’s plot contrivances, the material the vault is composed of is impervious to the transporter.”

“Oh well. Then let us proceed...”

They all walked into the bank’s lobby, where they were greated by armed guards. The lead guard asked, “What is your business here?”

Braxton replied, “We’re here to rob the...”

Ducane quickly covered Braxton’s mouth and said, “We’re here to deposit some very valuable items.”

The guard motioned for a blue woman with odd tentacle-things for hair. The woman came over. “Greetings, I am Natira. You wish to deposit something?”

Ducane thought for a second, then asked, “Wait, aren’t you supposed to be dead?”

“Yes, now that I think about it. Isn’t that odd?”

Dax whispered to Ducane, “It’s that same effect the Excelsior had on the Babylon 5 universe...”

Ducane nodded slightly, then had the rest of the crew bring forth a large barrel. “This is full of quadrotriticale, a rare grain. It could help feed quite a few starving planets.”

“I see. Anything else?”

“Just one more thing...”

Ducane pulled out an easily-recognizable little white ball of fluff. “This is a tribble. It is the last of its kind. It is extremely rare.”

“Is it dangerous?”

“Not in the slightest. It’s quite lovable.”

“Very well. We shall put these in the vault immediately, Mr...”

“Warbucks. Daddy Warbucks.”

“We shall keep good care of your items, Mr. Warbucks.”

At the same time, Captain Steve walked over to Lt. Broccoli, who had fallen asleep at his post. “Wake up!”

Broccoli awoke startled. “I wasn’t sleeping sir, I swear!”

“Uh huh... You had something to report?”

“Yes, sir. We have detected the Mirror Excelsior in orbit around the First National Bank of Shadow. It is in the company of another ship. It appears to be of similar origin.”

“Excellent. Set a course.”

On the Relativity, Scorpius greeted the returned crew. “Did everything go as planned?”

Braxton nodded. “It sure did. Doctor, how long will it be before the vault becomes so full of tribbles that it explodes?”

“About six hours, sir.”

“Alrighty. Then all we have to do is wait around for a while and then rob them blind. Oh, and you won’t believe who’s down there, Scorpy...”





“Really? Well, I may just have to go down there and spend some time with her... Nudge, nudge, wink, wink...”

“Oh no you won’t! We won’t be having any of that on this show, thank you very much!”

Dax’s console started beeping. “Captain, there’s another ship entering the system. I think it’s a Command Carrier, and it has the words ‘Property of Captain Steve’ written on it.”

Mirror Evil Braxton’s face came onscreen. “Captain Steve is here! We’re no match for him! We’d better run away right now!”

Braxton shook his head. “We can’t run now. We’ve got to be here when the vault explodes...”

The Command Carrier closed in. Captain Steve’s voice came over the comm. “Attention Mirror Evil Braxton and other people who I don’t really know! Prepare to be fragged!”

And with that, the Command Carrier’s frag cannons locked on to the two ships...

To Be Continued...

UPN Promo:

Can the two crews find a way to escape Captain Steve and rob Natira blind? Find out in the possibly exciting conclusion!