Previously on Star Trek: Series ?, Admiral Picard’s “Good Riddance Braxton” party was cut short by troubling news. Without Braxton to send on another suicide mission, Picard was forced to turn to the evil crew of the evil Excelsior! Meanwhile, the Mysterious Red Button crashed on a ledge hanging over the bottomless pit, where it was found by a cult that worships the Pah-wraiths! The leader of the cult agreed to use the Orb of Ultimate Evil to transport the Button to Gul Dukat!
And now the conclusion...
On the evil bridge of the evil Excelsior, the evil crew watched the main viewer as a diagram appeared on it. Picard’s voice narrated. “The hallmark of the Bajoran system is the Bajoran wormhole, the first stable wormhole ever to be discovered. As you may or may not know, a wormhole is a passage through subspace that allows ships to travel a very long distance in a very short period of time. The powerful beings that create and maintain the wormhole are known as the Prophets. Ages ago, the Prophets cast out some of their own and imprisoned beneath the surface of Bajor. However, no ordinary construct could contain these rogue Prophets. An anti-wormhole of sorts was created within the fire caves, in which objects move a very short distance but take forever to do so. Now, for the first time in millenia, the wormhole and the anti-wormhole are about to line up. Temporal activity detected on Bajor indicates the Pah-wraiths (as they are now called) are preparing to use this event to break free of their prison and destroy the universe. Your mission is to prevent this from happening. Good luck.”
The viewscreen went back to showing the nebula the evil Excelsior was hiding in.
Everyone turned to Janeway. After a minute or so, Valtane asked, “Admiral? Your orders?”
Janeway broke down sobbing. “I don’t know what to do! I’ve forgotten how not to be evil!”
Rand scoffed. “It’s easy not to be evil! First you... uh... Oh no! I’ve forgotten how not to be evil too!”
Sure enough, the evil crew of the evil Excelsior had been so evil for so long that they had forgotten how not to be so.
After a few minutes, Dukat had an idea...
By this time, Tuvok had finished Tactics for Dummies and was now on Advanced Tactics for Dummies. He quickly hid his books when he heard voices on the other side of his locked door...
“Hurry up! We don’t have all day!”
“I’m sorry, Admiral, but I keep forgetting the authorization code.”
“Here, let me jog your memory!”
After a few seconds of what sounded like someone getting bludgeoned with a phaser rifle, the evil crew of the evil Excelsior rushed into Tuvok’s quarters. Dr. Frankenstein was applying ice to Hawk’s battered head.
Janeway ran over to Tuvok, grabbed him by the shoulders, and started shaking him very hard. “Tuvok! We need your help!”
Tuvok did his little eyebrow thing, then said, “I believe that I told you I would never serve anyone as evil as you.”
“Heh heh heh... That’s what you think...”
“And why do people keep saying that to me?”
“Never mind. The universe is in danger and we’re the only ones who can save it, but we’ve all forgotten how not to be evil! Help!”
It was a good thing Tuvok was a Vulcan. Otherwise, he would have laughed hysterically. Instead, he looked at the Excelsior crew (who were all doing their best sad puppy faces) and said, “Very well...”
Meanwhile, back on Starbase 47, the disembodied head of Admiral Picard was being carted around by one of his aides. He came upon some Starfleet officers who were taking down the decorations from the “Good Riddance Braxton” party. “You there! Leave those decorations up!”
“You heard me! We’re going to have an “End of the Universe” party!”
“But what about the Excelsior crew? They could succeed, couldn’t they?”
“If there’s any crew more idiotic than Braxton’s (and I’m not saying there is), then it has to be Janeway’s crew. The only way they’d win is if the key to defeating the Pah-wraiths just fell into her lap...”
A little while later, the evil crew of the evil Excelsior (plus Tuvok) was back on the bridge. Janeway slumped down into her chair and asked, “Okay, what do we do first?”
Tuvok sighed and replied, “Well, we have to stop the Pah-wraiths, and they are on Bajor. Therefore, we should go to Bajor.”
“That’s brilliant! Why didn’t I think of that? Mr. Hamster, set a course for Bajor!”
No sooner had the words come out of her mouth than a flash of red light appeared several meters above her. The Mysterious Red Button (console and all) then fell into Janeway’s lap.
Janeway began screaming. “Aaaaaaaaaaaaah! My legs! Get it off! Get it off!”
Rand and Valtane ran over and hauled it off. The Mysterious Red Button looked around and then saw Dukat.
Dukat looked at the Button in horror. “Not you! You were thrown into the bottomless pit on Bajor three years ago!”
Janeway, who by now had her legs mended by Dr. Frankenstein, stood up and gave the Button her patented death glare. “Oh no he won’t! He’s my lackey now, and the only person whose evil bidding he does now is mine!”
“That’s Admiral Janeway.”
Janeway blushed. “You flatter me, small round one. But it’s off to be tortured!”
Tuvok interrupted. “Actually, since he escaped from the bottomless pit on Bajor, perhaps he has information that will help us stop the Pah-wraiths...”
“That’s brilliant, Tuvok! Tell us what you know, Button!”
“You’ll tell me what I want to know or I’ll subject you to a William Shatner album!”
The evil crew of the evil Excelsior (plus Tuvok and the Mysterious Red Button) beamed down beside the top of the bottomless pit. Valtane whipped out a little gizmo. “This makeshift temporal jamming device should allow us to drop down to the ledge the Button told us about without falling forever.”
Valtane switched on the jamming device, and everybody jumped (or in the case of the Mysterious Red Button, was shoved) into the pit. As it turned out, the ledge was, in reality, only about two meters down.
Everyone whipped out their phaser rifles and headed into the cave. They quickly came to the main chamber, when the evil black-garbed cleric was sitting in his throne surrounded by his goons. “Intruders? How did you get here?”
Janeway dragged the Mysterious Red Button forward. “He told us.”
“Ouch. Now that’s evil.”
Janeway blushed again. “You people say the sweetest things... Now hand over the Book of the Kosst Amojan or else I’ll get really evil!”
The evil cleric grinned, and then promptly started throwing lightning bolts Palpatine-style. The evil Excelsior crew ran for cover behind some boulders.
Janeway whispered to Tuvok, “What do we do now? We’re pinned down!”
Tuvok replied, “We have to shut down the source of his power.”
“We can do that.”
Janeway motioned towards the container holding the Orb of Ultimate Evil. Everyone turned up the settings on their phaser rifles and began shooting at it.
The evil cleric was panicked. “No! Not that!”
Several shots later, the container and the Orb were destroyed. The evil cleric fell to his knees. Janeway strode over to him and began beating him with her phaser rifle. “This’ll teach you to try to destroy the universe while I’m in it!”
After beating the tar out of the remaining Pah-wraith worshippers and destroying the Book of the Kosst Amojan once and for all, they all crawled out of the pit.
Dark Helmet asked, “Now what?”
Tuvok answered, “We have destroyed the Orb of Ultimate Evil and the Book of the Kosst Amojan. Without either of these objects, the Pah-wraiths cannot escape during the imminent conjunction.”
Janeway smiled. “Good. Take him back to his quarters, boys!”
Everyone pointed their rifles at Tuvok. Tuvok just rolled his eyes and said, “Well, it’s not like this was unexpected...”
Janeway then pointed at the Mysterious Red Button, which was sitting next to the bottomless pit. “Dukat... You want the honor?”
Dukat grinned wickedly. “You betcha!”
After Valtane turned off the jamming signal, Dukat gave the Button’s console a good kick, sending it tumbling once again into the pit.
Dukat hobbled after his evil crewmates. “Ow! I think I broke my foot on that thing...”
Next time on Star Trek: Series ?, Braxton and his crew try to rescue Sulu from the clutches of the evil Scarrans!