Episode 90: “May I Borrow a Cup of Flower?”

Written by “Krenim”

Published August 5, 2003

“Captain’s Log: We have succeeded in buying the parts necessary for Scorpius to repair the subspace drive and get us back to the Star Trek universe. However, we can’t go back home without first rescuing Sulu from the evil Scarrans...”

Scorpius walked around the nearly-destroyed subspace drive, completely lost in thought. Dax, Damar, Mirror Valtane, and Mirror Dukat watched him.

Finally, Damar asked, “Can you fix it?”

Scorpius gave a somewhat hesitant nod. “I can fix it, but I’m not sure if that’ll do any good. The device was faulty enough to begin with. There’s no guarantee that engaging it again will get us back to the Star Trek universe.”

Dax rolled her eyes. “Now you tell us...”

“Well, you all could help me instead of just standing around watching me! Grab a PADD and double-check my calculations!”

They did so. Damar muttered, “I can’t believe we’re stuck here. We should be out there helping the others rescue Sulu.”

Dax responded, “First of all, it’s not like this ship is going anywhere until Sulu gets back, since he’s the only one that can fly it. Secondly, it’s probably wise that we get this drive working before they get back in case the entire Scarran fleet is after them...”

The Mirror Excelsior came to a halt just outside Scarran territory. Mirror Evil Braxton sighed. “Well, here it is: The Scarran border.”

Captain Braxton nodded. “Well, let’s go.”

“We can’t just go in there! We’re likely to get swarmed by Scarran warships the second we’re in their territory!”

“Do you see any warships out there?”


“Then it’s safe.”

“Fine. But I’m holding you personally responsible if something goes wrong...”

Five seconds later, the Mirror Excelsior was surrounded by Scarran warships. Everyone glared at Braxton. Braxton replied, “Well, in my defense, it took five seconds to get surrounded, not one.”

Mirror Rand said, “We’re being hailed!”

Mirror Evil Braxton answered sarcastically, “Great. Put it onscreen.”

A Scarran woman appeared onscreen. “I am Scarran War Minister Ahkna! Cover before the might of my gigantic headgear!”

Mirror Dark Helmet scoffed. “Mine’s bigger.”

What was that?!?!


“You will all be sent to our super-secret base for interrogation!”

Braxton asked, “You mean Katratzi?”

“Does everybody know the name of our super-secret base now?”

“Well, Scorpius told me the name of it...”

Scorpius?!?! He’s back?!?!

“Yeah. What? Do you not like the guy?”

“I’ll club him to death with my hat and then eat his bones!”

“Right. I’ll take that as a no.”

Meanwhile, back on the Relativity, several dozen coolant rods lay on the Engineering floor as Scorpius was getting pretty ticked off...

“Okay, what if we stick the thingamajig to the whatchamacallit?”

Dax ran the simulation. “Let’s see... If we do that, there’s a 47% chance we’ll get sucked into the Battlestar Galactica universe.”

“What’s the other 53%?”

“That we’ll die horrible screaming deaths.”

“Darn it! That’s the 47th simulation we’ve ran! I give up! I’m just not smart enough to figure this out!”

With that, Scorpy’s head started smoking. Damar tapped his communicator. “Damar to Doctor. Scorpy’s smoking again.”

“How many times do I have to tell you people that smoking’s bad for you?”

“No, I mean his coolant rod’s almost spent again.”

“Oh. I’ll be right there...”

The senior staff members who had gone to Scarran space were led to a row of cells on Katratzi. Sulu was already in one of them. “Hi guys...”

Braxton eyed Sulu suspiciously. “How do I know you’re really Sulu?”

“That’s Captain Sulu!”

“Question withdrawn.”

Minister Akhna pointed to cells. “Get in!”

Braxton had to think fast. Unfortunately, the only thing he could think of was to grab a nearby plant. “Nobody move or the plant gets it!”

Mirror Evil Braxton rolled his eyes. “That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard of!”

However, the Scarrans were cowering in horror. Akhna said, “Okay, okay! You can go! Just don’t hurt the plant!”

They got Sulu out of his cell and then proceeded to make their way back to the Relativity with the plant in tow. Mirror Evil Braxton whispered to Ducane. “How in the heck did he know to do that?”

“Braxton may be the biggest idiot in the Federation, but he’s also the luckiest...”

Back on the Relativity, the Doctor had gotten so sick and tired of replacing Scorpius’ coolant rods that he turned Engineering’s air conditioning up to “Arctic.” Before long, Engineering was covered with snow and the crew was staging snowball fights.

Scorpius, however, still had no idea how to get back to the Star Trek universe. “I still have no idea how to get back to the Star Trek universe!”

Xaronna interrupted. “The Mirror Excelsior is hailing us.”

“Put it onscreen.”

Xaronna mumbled something about finally getting some screentime and pressed some buttons on the wall. Captain Braxton appeared. “You’d better have that drive up and running, Scorpy! We’ve got at least three dozen Scarran warships who want their plant back!”

“How many times have I told you... Wait, did you say they want their plant back?”

Braxton held the plant up the screen.

Scorpius laughed. “That’s a crystherium matriarch plant!”

“A what?”

“Never mind! Just get that plant to me quickly!”

Several minutes later, the Mirror Excelsior and the Relativity were surrounded by the Scarrans. Braxton ran into the Relativity’s Engineering with the plant. Scorpius grabbed the plant, ate some of its petals, and then looked at the subspace drive. “Of course! Why didn’t I think of it before?”

“You know how to fix it?”

“Yes! It’ll get both ships back!”

“And the plant did this?”

“Eating its petals makes Scarrans smarter. I’m half-Scarran.”

“Gotcha. But could you speed things up a bit? If the Scarrans find out you’re eating their plant, I don’t think they’ll be very happy...”

Scorpius ate a few more petals. “One speedy subspace drive repair coming up!”

About half an hour later, Xaronna came up to Braxton. “Sir, the Scarrans are hailing us again.”

Braxton looked to Scorpius, who nodded. “Put them onscreen.”

Akhna’s face appeared. “Where’s our plant?”

Scorpius grinned. “You mean this plant?” He held up the plant, which was now totally devoid of petals.

Akhna was outraged. “Scorpius! You’ll die for this!

“Maybe later.”

And with that, he pressed a button on the subspace drive. Both ships vanished.

Akhna’s rage got the better of her. With nobody else around, she took off her hat and began beating one of the nearby soldiers with it...

UPN Promo:

Next time on Star Trek: Series ?, Braxton and crew return home!