Episode 97: “Loose Ends”

Written by “Krenim”

Published October 31, 2003

Deep in space, a gigantic energy cloud lurked in the darkness. Traveling through the seemingly endless 70’s special effects, we see what is inside the cloud... V’Ger!

Inside a large room on V’Ger, several familiar characters were holding a summit...

Elim Garak stood before the others. “Three years ago, we were released from our respective timelines by a temporal shockwave! But our plotline has been shoved aside in favor of incredibly stupid plotlines like the search for the Plah D’Viz and the Vaad War!”

Dr. Pulaski interrupted. “But isn’t the temporal fugitive plotline also incredibly stupid?”

“Let me tell you a story, Dr. Pulaski. I was once King of England and married to Seven of Nine. I won the lottery and invented the cotton gin.”

“You never did any of those things!”

“Okay, you caught me. I was actually King of Canada. Yeah, that’s the ticket...”

It was Hogan’s turn to interrupt. “Is there a point to all of this?”

“No, actually, there isn’t. Anyway, now is the time to strike, before the series ends! Luckily, we have been allowed to use V’Ger as a base of operations.”

V’Ger/Ilia stood up. “We seek the Creator, who created V’Ger, who seeks the Creator, who created V’Ger, who...”

Everyone shouted, “Shut up!” V’Ger/Ilia sat back down.

Pulaski scowled. “In this universe, I was only on the show for one season, until that stupid Dr. Crusher returned and booted me out! Everyone in this universe will pay for this indignity!”

Hogan seconded that. “Yeah, I got eaten by a giant snake in this universe! How stupid is that?”

Garak added, “I was never All-Powerful Ruler of the Universe in this universe!”

“You weren’t All-Powerful Ruler of the Universe in your own universe either!”

“You don’t know that!”

“We seek the Creator, who...”

Shut up!

“Captain’s Log: We have doubled our efforts to find the evil crew of the evil Excelsior, as their subspace drive may be our only hope of rescuing the Earth from subspace.”

Captain Braxton stood so close to the main viewscreen that his nose was touching it. Kes walked up to him. “Sir, what are you doing?”

“We need to find the Excelsior, so I’m watching the viewscreen so I don’t miss them!”

“That’s what we have sensors for, sir.”

“What if the sensors aren’t working?”

“They are working. Besides, that can’t be good for your eyes.”

Braxton whirled around to face Kes. “My eyes are perfectly fine! But why are you so blurry?”

“Go down to Sickbay, sir.”


I’ll watch the viewscreen.”

“Fine. I’ll be back soon.”

About a minute after Braxton left the bridge, Kes noticed something on the viewscreen. “Hey, what’s that?”

Dax checked the sensors. “It’s a cloud of some sort.”

“It doesn’t look like any cloud I’ve ever seen.”

“That’s because it’s composed of seemingly endless 70’s special effects.”

Everyone cringed. Sulu said, “You know, I ran into something like that once. It was called V’Ger. Almost destroyed the Earth. Not a good thing.”

Ducane responded, “But V’Ger evolved into a new entity, so that can’t be V’Ger... Can it?”

A few minutes later, the Relativity senior staff assembled, with Admiral Picard on a small viewscreen. Picard frowned. “We’ve analyzed the sensor data you sent us. That is indeed V’Ger.”

Braxton asked, “How can that be?”

“Of the top of my head, I’d say that V’Ger is one of the temporal fugitives that you should have stopped years ago, but didn’t!”

“We’ve kind of had other things to deal with, sir.”

“It’s called multitasking, Braxton! Anyway, you’ve got to stop V’Ger! You’re the only ship in the area!”

“How can that be?”

“When I found out something dangerous was near you, I ordered every ship around away so that you’d have to deal with it! Heh heh heh, I’m so clever... Picard out.”

The senior staff returned to the bridge. Braxton pointed at the giant cloud, which now took up most of the main viewscreen. “Take us in.”

The Relativity moved into the cloud. The viewscreen showed psychedelic special effect after psychedelic special effect, on and on and on...

Yar rubbed her eyes. “When are these endless 70’s special effects going to end?”

Braxton smirked. “My vision’s still blurred from earlier, so they’re not bothering me any...”

After what seemed like an eternity, the Relativity emerged from the special effects next to V’Ger. Sulu nodded. “Yeah, that’s V’Ger alright. But how are we going to deal with something that massive?”

“That’s easy. We’ll just do what you did last time.”

“Get the guy from 7th Heaven to flip a switch?”


“We can’t do that. He’s on a rival network.”

“Rats! What’s Plan B?”

“Run away like scared little children.”

“Works for me!”

Before they could run away like scared little children, the viewscreen switched to a view of Garak, Pulaski, Hogan, and V’Ger/Ilia.

Garak spoke. “Greetings! I am Martha Stewart!”

Braxton whispered to Ducane, “I didn’t know Martha Stewart was a Cardassian. Or male.”

Ducane whispered back, “That’s Elim Garak, sir. He was known for spinning lies.”

Braxton turned back to Garak. “You’re not Martha Stewart!”

“Very perceptive, Captain Braxton! I see that fooling you will not be easy...”

Braxton was already distracted by a blinking light. After a few seconds of everyone staring at him, Braxton came to his senses. “Right, whatever.”

“Anyway, we are the remaining temporal fugitives released from alternate universes by the temporal shockwave. We have joined forces to have our revenge on you for defeating all the other temporal fugitives. And with the power of V’Ger at our disposal, we shall be triumphant!”

In the background, V’Ger/Ilia started up with “We seek the Creator...”

Everybody shouted, “Shut up!”

And with that, the viewscreen went back to showing V’Ger’s exterior.

Yar asked, “How are we going to defeat V’Ger, sir? Not even our advanced 29th Century weapons will be able to defeat something that powerful and huge.”

Ducane thought for a second, and then shouted, “To the temporal transporter!”

A few minutes later, at the temporal transporter, Ducane gave Damar a set of temporal coordinates. “Can you do it?”

“Sure, but what’s this guy going to do?”

“Trust me, he can help us...”

Damar worked the temporal transporter and a man appeared in a blue flash on the transporter pad. The man looked around. “Where the heck am I?”

Ducane stepped forward. “Actually, you’re in the 29th Century. We need your help.”

“Me? What can I do?”

“Well, you’re Robert Wise, aren’t you?”


“We need you to release a Super-Duper Director’s Cut of Star Trek: The Motion Picture. A cut that has all V’Ger scenes deleted.”

“But won’t that ruin the plot?”

“What plot? It was just endless 70’s special effects!”

“Point taken. Very well.”

And with that, Robert Wise vanished in another flash of blue light.

Back on the bridge, V’Ger was hailed and the temporal fugitives appeared onscreen. Garak smirked, “Are you ready to be destroyed?”

Ducane whipped out a copy of the Super-Duper Director’s Cut of Star Trek: The Motion Picture. “Not so fast! With all scenes of V’Ger cut from this version, V’Ger doesn’t exist anymore!”

Garak scoffed. “That won’t work! There’s always the original version!”

“You’ve got to be joking. When’s the last time you’ve seen the original Star Wars movies shown on TV? Or on sale? That would be never. Bye bye!”

And with that, V’Ger vanished.

Braxton pointed at Garak, Pulaski, and Hogan, who were now floating out in space. “Now that V’Ger’s gone, use that chronometric thingy to send them back to their timelines.”

Out in space, Garak, Pulaski, and Hogan were very unhappy. Garak shouted, “If I had my zombie army here, things would be different!”

Before Pulaski or Hogan could say that Garak didn’t have a zombie army (or mention that they shouldn’t be able to survive in space), they got sucked back into their own timelines...

UPN Promo:

The countdown to the final episode continues...

The entire galaxy
is on the verge of Armageddon
So what do our heroes do?
Take a break, of course.

Episode 98: “The Episode of No Return”