Episode 98: “The Episode of No Return”

Written by “Krenim”

Published November 10, 2003

“Captain’s Log: Well, this is it. The last episode before it hits the fan. Everyone is taking a break, and I am no exception. Therefore, I am playing a game of 3D chess against my greatest opponent...”

Braxton moved his rook up a level. “I have you now!”

Braxton’s pet cat Helix moved his queen a few spaces. Braxton studied the board. “Checkmate again? How do you keep winning?”

Helix merely meowed and went over to the replicator to make himself a bowl of milk.

“Stupid cat! Well, I can see this is going nowhere... I’m going for a walk.”

“Evil Admiral’s Evil Log: Well, this is it. The last episode before it hits the fan. Everyone is taking a break, but not for long...”

Admiral Janeway evilly stormed onto the evil bridge of the evil Excelsior. In an unearthly voice, she screamed, “Get me coffee!

The rest of the evil senior staff, which had been enjoying their break, cowered in fear. Meekly, Valtane responded, “You know, you might not be so high-strung if you drank less coffee...”

Coffee now!

Everyone quickly got up, picked up Janeway’s coffee mug, and crammed themselves into the turbolift...

Braxton wandered into Engineering to find Damar slaving over several PADDs. After clearing his throat to make his presence known, Damar looked up. “Sorry, sir. Can I help you with something?”

“Actually, you can. I stepped out to walk about the ship, and I seem to have gotten lost. Which way back to my quarters?”

“Again? Okay, turn around and walk down the corridor until you reach the third intersection. Make a left, then a right. Go until you...”

Damar had clearly lost Braxton. “Never mind. Give me a minute and I’ll walk you back myself.”

“What are you doing in here, anyway? This is supposed to be your break.”

“Well, this is the last episode where I’ll have a chance to speak to the ship’s schoolchildren, so I’m trying to come up with the best possible topics.”

“Wow. I had almost forgotten about that little plot thread...”


“Tell you what, I’ll find my own way back. You work on getting this finished.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah. See you later.”

So Braxton strolled out of Engineering, leaving Damar with his PADDs.

Dark Helmet shouted, “What do you mean there’s no more coffee?!?!”

The crewman he was talking to shirked in horror. “I mean there’s no more coffee! Admiral Janeway has drank it all!”

Just to make sure, everyone ripped the cargo bay to shreds looking for any coffee they could. Unfortunately, there was none.

Rand began crying. “What are we going to do? We can’t go back and tell her there’s no coffee! She’ll kill us!”

Dr. Frankenstein then smiled wickedly. “Then we’re just going to have to make some coffee... Bwahahahahaha!”

Braxton next wandered onto the Relativity’s bridge. A card game was going on, in Ducane, Sulu, Yar, Dax, and the Doctor were playing poker. Kes was sulking in her usual chair.

Braxton walked up them. “Why isn’t Kes playing?”

Kes angrily answered, “They won’t let me play because of my nearly-omnipotent powers.”

Yar yelled back, “Well, maybe if you wouldn’t use them to cheat all the time, we’d let you play!”

“You all are going to be sorry! One day you’ll need my powers and I won’t use them for you! So there!”

Braxton changed the subject. “Damar’s trying to get a chance to speak to the schoolchildren again... I wish there was something I could do about that.”

Sulu put down his cards for a few seconds. “Why don’t you just order the teacher to let him talk to them? After all, giving orders is one of the perks of being a captain.”


“Sure! Watch this... Everybody lose this game!”

Everybody else scoffed and muttered, “Yeah right...”

Sulu amended his previous statement. “Well, it only works if you’re on the ship you’re the captain of.”

“Okay! Then I’m off to the ship’s school! Uh... Which way to the school?”

Deep in the evil Excelsior’s evil Sickbay, Dr. Frankenstein laughed maniacally. “It’s alive! Alive!

Everyone stared at him. Dukat said, “Uh... That’s nice. What’s alive?”

Dr. Frankenstein held out his hand, which had one coffee bean in it. “By using the coffee DNA the computer had on file, I was able to create this one coffee bean!”

“We can’t make a cup of coffee with one coffee bean.”

“I know that! So we’re going to plant it and grow enough coffee beans!”

Dr. Frankenstein whipped out a pot with some soil in it. He placed the coffee bean in the soil and placed the pot on a table.

The evil crew gathered around the pot and waited. After a minute or two, Yoda broke the silence. “Taking too long this is.”

Captain Braxton, now looking for the ship’s school, happened to walk by Xaronna. “Good afternoon, Captain.”

Xaronna kept on walking, but Braxton called out to her. “Uh... Ensign?”

“Yes, sir?”

“What’s with the massive amounts of artillery?”

Sure enough, Xaronna was dressed in body armor and was carrying several phaser rifles. “What? This?”

“Yes, that.”

“Well, the last few Trek series have been notorious for killing off recurring characters as the final episode approaches. Remember poor Carey from Voyager?”

“Yeah. If he had only lasted four more episodes...”

“Well, I’m not going to let that happen to me! I’m going to survive this series even if it kills me! Which it won’t, because I’m going to live!”

“Right... You wouldn’t happen to know the way to the school, would you?”

“You’re standing right in front of it.”

Sure enough, the door right beside Braxton had a large sign on it that read “School.”

Meanwhile, the evil (and increasingly panicked) crew of the evil Excelsior had gathered in one of the evil ship’s evil transporter rooms. Valtane placed the coffee bean on the transporter pad. “Well, we may not have any replicators, but we can sure abuse the transporter all we want!”

Dukat worked the controls. Soon, there were two coffee beans.

Dr. Frankenstein picked up the two beans. “Now we have one good bean and one evil bean! Another great example of science gone awry! Hahahahahaha!”

Dukat sighed. “They’re coffee beans, you moron. They can’t be good or evil.”

Or can they...?

Rand interrupted. “But isn’t it unethical or something to use the transporter in this manner?”

“It sure is! But we’re the bad guys! What do we care?”

To Braxton’s surprise, Damar was already in the school talking to the children. When the children noticed the captain behind them, they all pointed at him and laughed. “What’s going on?”

Damar smiled. “Well, I found something interesting enough to talk to the children about.”

“And that would be?”

“Stories about how stupid you are.”

The children continued laughing. Braxton’s eyes narrowed. “I see. I’ll have to talk with you in private later, Damar. Now... Which way to my quarters? I’m still lost.”

The children laughed even louder...

The evil Excelsior crew nervously presented Admiral Janeway with her hot cup of coffee. Janeway grabbed the mug. “It’s about time!”

She took a big gulp of the coffee. After a few seconds, she smiled. Which freaked out her crew even more, as they weren’t sure whether she liked the coffee or was going to hurt them. “That is a good cup of coffee. It tastes remarkably... evil.”

Janeway returned to her ready room, and the crew breathed a sigh of relief. Dr. Frankenstein held out his hand, which held quite a few more coffee beans. “It was a good idea to only use the most evil coffee beans. But we’d better go abuse the transporter some more before she wants some more...”

UPN Promo:

For four years they have waged war

*Shots of Relativity and Excelsior fighting*

One crew good

*Shots of the crew of the Relativity*

One crew evil

*Shots of the evil crew of the evil Excelsior*

With the fate of the Earth in the balance

*Shot of Earth getting sucked into subspace*

They must battle one last time

*Shot of both ships in flames*

The final six episodes begin with:

Episode 99: “The Final Excelsior Battle (Really), Part I”