Janeway’s Therapy, Chapter 13: “The Dreaded B’Elanna Depression Arc”
Written by Tim Mohr, aka “Cureboy”
Published January 8, 2001
This gets dedicated to The Cure for their incredibly well-deserved Grammy nomination for Bloodflowers!!
Captain Kathryn Janeway shows up for her latest therapy session with the famed Borg psychiatrist, whose latest best-seller is titled The Best of Both Multiple Personalities.
Dr. Freud has some bad news for the captain, “I’m afraid the check you wrote me for last week’s session bounced... How does that make you feel?”
Janeway bursts into tears, “You don’t understand! I don’t get paid in the Delta Quadrant!”
Dr. Freud gives her a break and lets Janeway tell another fabulously goofy tale from her experiences on the other side of the galaxy...
“Captain’s Log: Stardate: 54201.5. I could be lying. But you folks watching at home have absolutely no way of knowing for sure! Oh, the power! Mwaaa ha ha ha ha! Anyway, we’ve 86’ed the Hirogen. We won’t be seeing them again until we travel about 25,000 light years. I just love the way that gives the continuity police a thrombosis. Oh, the power! Mwaaaa ha ha ha ha!”
Janeway’s power trip is interrupted when she sees Commander Chakotay sulking in the halls. Since she’s the captain, Janeway has to pretend like she’s concerned. She approaches Chakotay and asks, “What’s wrong?”
Chakotay says, “Oh, it’s B’Elanna. Have you been noticing that she’s a little bit out of sorts lately? Or sometimes a little moody?”
Janeway replies, “I haven’t noticed.”
At this point, B’Elanna comes around the corner and grabs Chakotay by the throat and says, “Look here, you horse’s ass! If you have a problem with me, you come talk to me about it!! Idiot!!” With that, Torres kicks Chakotay in a place that men generally don’t like to be kicked, and she storms off!
Chakotay turns to Janeway and says, in a rather high-pitched voice, “Well, let me know if you notice some kind of change...”
Torres heads to Holodeck Two and says, “Computer: Activate program Torres Smackdown 47... And deactivate the safety protocols.”
The computer warns, “Warning. Deactiving the safety protocols makes things... Well, less safe.”
Torres shouts, “Look here, computer! Unless you want me to rip apart your binary matrix, you will deactivate the safety protocols!”
The computer replies, “Well, no need to get snippy. The safety protocols are off.”
Suddenly, Lt. Torres finds herself in the middle of Wrestlemania MCMXXXVII (this is the future, after all). She is immediately body-slammed, thrown into the crowd, and beaten over the head with a folding chair. A bloodied Torres shouts, “Hey! I thought this was all supposed to be fake!!”
Meanwhile... on the bridge...
Janeway enters the bridge and Tuvok says, “Captain! I’ve got terrible news!”
Janeway replies, “Do tell.”
Tuvok says, “We’re losing contact with the multi-spatial probe!!” Janeway shouts, “My God!!” Tuvok agrees, “I know! It’s terrible!”
Janeway says, “No... I just had no idea we had a multi-spatial probe. Where’d we get such a thing?” Tuvok replies, “Gee, I really don’t know. But anyway, the Malon are trying get a hold of the probe!” Janeway says, “Time to take out the garbage!”
Tuvok corrects her, “Um, Captain... That line makes no sense at the moment.”
Janeway promises, “Oh, I’ll find a way to use that line... Trust me. Anyway, can you hide the probe in a gas giant?”
Chakotay whines, “I told you to quit calling me a gas giant! I haven’t had a bowl of chili in six months!”
Tuvok ignores him and says, “Yes! I have found a gas giant in a nearby system with a red dwarf star!”
Paris asks, “A dwarf star with a gas giant... Is that even legal?”
Meanwhile... Back in the Holodeck...
Lt. Torres tries a different program, “Computer: Begin program: Bulls of Pamplona Torres 47. And disengage the safety protocols.”
The computer replies, “I would tell you that turning off the safety protocols exposes you to extreme risk... But you always get so bent out of shape about it. So here we go...”
Suddenly, B’Elanna finds herself on the streets of Spain. Just then, they release the bulls. B’Elanna begins running like crazy from the charging bulls. B’Elanna panics and says, “Computer: Stop the bulls from charging!!”
The computer replies, “Stop them from charging? Okay, I’ll take away their credit cards.... A ha ha ha ha ha ha. Woo-hooooo. A ha ha ha ha ha ha...”
The bulls catch up with B’Elanna and brutally trample her. An even more bloodied B’Elanna says, “Okay... Maybe this whole depression arc wasn’t such a good idea...”
Meanwhile... in the Voyager Briefing Room...
Janeway gathers the crew and says, “Okay. We need to keep this brief. Otherwise, we’re not allowed to be in the Briefing Room. We need to build a brand new shuttlecraft to go in and retrieve the multi-spatial probe before the Malon do. Simply because I’d really like to know what the hell it does!”
Paris says, “Behold... The Delta Flyer!”
Kim says, “Huh?”
Paris groans, “Oh man, I blew it...” He quickly turns on the computer monitor, which shows a fancy-schmancy new shuttlecraft. Paris then says, “Behold... The Delta Flyer!”
Janeway looks at it and says, “Very nice design! I’m impressed! But what are those two big, huge mounds on the bottom of the hull?”
Paris says, “Oops! Sorry. I started thinking about Seven of Nine half way through designing it. I’ll delete those...”
Janeway then says, “How quickly can it be built?”
Tuvok says, “We can’t build it, period! We’re in the Delta Quadrant! We have no supplies!” Janeway says, “Bzzt! Wrong answer! This is Voyager, remember?” Paris says, “I can have it built in 12 hours. But I will need B’Elanna’s help.”
Chakotay wonders, “Where is B’Elanna anyway? Computer: Locate Lt. Torres.”
The computer replies, “She’s in Holodeck Two. And guess what???” Janeway answers, “What?” The computer gleefully tattles, “She’s running holodeck programs with no safety protocols!”
Chakotay says, “I’ll handle this! I’m an experienced and able officer aboard this ship! I’ll talk to her! But first, where is Holodeck Two?”
Kim answers, “It’s a little ways past Holodeck One... idiot.”
Chakotay replies, “Gotcha!”
Chakotay heads down to Holodeck Two and finds it completely empty. Chakotay says, “Computer! Your pants must be on fire because you’re lying! Lt. Torres is not here!”
The computer replies, “Well, that was five minutes ago, you dolt! Now she’s in the mess hall!”
Meanwhile... in the mess hall...
Torres approaches Neelix, still looking battered and bloody. Neelix says, “My God! B’Elanna, what happened to you?” Torres tries to cover, “I walked into a door... A lot.” Neelix is skeptical, “I’m not buying that for a moment! Has Tom been abusing you?”
Torres replies, “Yeah. But I found I didn’t like that holoprogram either.”
Neelix says, “Huh?”
Torres says, “Never mind. I’m just feeling depressed, and I was hoping you’d fix me some banana pancakes. My Grandma would always fix them and it would always make me smile...” Neelix quickly whips up some banana pancakes. Torres takes a few bites. Neelix notices, “I don’t think the pancakes are working. You’re not smiling.” Torres replies, “Well, I think it’s because my Grandma used to pour Jack Daniels on them instead of maple syrup. But thanks anyway, I’m going back to the Holodeck...”
Torres leaves the mess hall... One minute later, Chakotay enters the Mess Hall and can’t find Torres anywhere. Chakotay says, “Okay, Computer. This is really starting to tick me off!”
The computer says, “I swear! She was just here! But now she’s back at the Holodeck. Running more programs without the safeties!”
Chakotay starts running down the halls, every two seconds asking, “Is she still in the Holodeck?.... How about now? She hasn’t left yet, right? Computer, she’s still there, isn’t she?”
Finally, Chakotay gets to the Holodeck. Chakotay prepares himself for whatever horrors he may find inside. He opens the doors and finds Torres sitting at a card table with three old ladies named Marge, Celia, and Francine.
Chakotay asks, “What the hell is going on in here?” Torres says, “What does it look like? You never heard of Canasta? The other holoprograms kept leaving me with broken ribs...” Chakotay asks, “Well, what’s the point of turning off the safety protocols in a Canasta game on the Holodeck???” Torres replies, “Because it allows the other players to cheat.”
Chakotay says, “Okay. What’s up with you, B’Elanna? You’ve been acting crabby for the entire episode!” Torres snaps, “You wanna know why?? You wanna know why??” Chakotay answers, “Well, yeah. That’s kind of why I asked.” Torres continues, “Because of our dead friends, Chakotay! Our dead, dead Maquis friends. They were all slaughtered!!”
Chakotay looks puzzled, “Okay, I know I’m supposed to know who the Maquis are. Ugh! I left my flash cards at home. Weren’t they the vigilantes we used to be with in the Alpha Quadrant?”
Torres replies, “Yes! And now they are all slaughtered!” Chakotay says, “Uh-huh. But that happened like eight months ago. Why are you so bitter about it now?”
Torres answers, “Well, I didn’t have time before. I was busy trying to hide my pregnancy.”
Chakotay says, “Oh B’Elanna. You must not get all upset about this. It will be okay. You just need to go back to your old self.” Torres then says, “Easy for you to say! If I don’t start flipping out, I’ll never get any screen time!” Chakotay then says, “B’Elanna, they need you on the new Delta Flyer. They’re going to try to retrieve the multi-spatial probe.”
Torres asks, “The what?”
Meanwhile... on Voyager’s bridge...
The Malon hail Janeway and says, “Be advised, Captain. I’ve just launched a shuttlecraft to retrieve the probe. We call it the Delta Flyer!”
Janeway yells, “Hey now! We got dibs on that name!!”
The Malon says, “Oh, fine! Then ours is called the Malon Flyer. And we are about to retrieve your probe!” Janeway says, “Don’t mess with me, Malon! Tuvok... Time to take out the garbage!”
Tuvok asks, “What does that mean?”
Meanwhile... on the Delta Flyer...
Seven of Nine says, “I’ve located the multi-spatial probe. Wait, I’m mistaken. That one was only a single-spatial probe...” Torres says, “Ha! I found the real one, Seven.... You schmuck!” Seven growls...
Back on Voyager...
Tuvok announces, “The Delta Flyer has obtained the probe! They are returning to Voyager!”
Janeway says, “Excellent. Now Tuvok, target the Malon’s warp core! Time to take out the...” Tuvok interrupts, “Captain! The Malon ship just self-destructed!”
Janeway whines, “No fair!!”
A short time later, the Delta Flyer returns to Voyager. Janeway is still pouting. Then she gets out her duty roster. She pages Sickbay, “Janeway to The Doctor. According to the duty roster, it’s your week to do trash.”
The Doctor replies, “That’s right.”
Janeway beams a huge and smile and her voice booms, “Time to take out the garbage!!”
And thus concludes Janeway’s psychotic tale of B’Elanna’s psychotic behavior...