“Captain’s Log: Just when we were about to beat the Excelsior to a pulp, that idiot Elmo hit the Mysterious Red Button. Now, we find ourselves in the most terrifying place in all of existence...”
The Relativity crew stepped onto the ship’s main bridge, where Gul Dukat was sitting in Sulu’s chair laughing maniacally. Braxton walked up beside him. “Dukat! Why did you push the Mysterious Red Button?”
Dukat looked up at Braxton with a crazed look on his face. “Because it’s a pah-wraith, one of my evil lord and masters!”
Jadzia then ran up and tried to strangle the Mysterious Red Button. “Take this you evil pah-wraith! I’ll kill you for killing me!”
The Mysterious Red Button began choking.
Braxton turned to the Button. “Not this time, Fly... I mean, Mysterious Red Button! Yar, throw Elmo in the brig! While you’re at it, throw this button in there, too!”
Sulu tapped Braxton’s shoulder. “Uh, sir... The button’s part of my console.”
“I don’t care! Throw them both in the brig!”
Security guards came up and took Dukat away. A few more tore Sulu’s console off of the floor, and took it with them.
Sulu scowled. “Well, that’s just great! How am I supposed to fly the ship now?”
Braxton thought for a few seconds. “Hmm... I see your point... I guess it was stupid for me to order that console thrown in the brig, huh?”
“Yes, it was.”
“Oh well, I guess we’ll just have to find a replacement console. I’m sure we have one somewhere...”
“In the meantime, sir, isn’t it about time that you tell us all what exactly pushing the Mysterious Red Button did?”
Braxton sat in his chair. “Look outside.”
Jadzia, after taking a few minutes to find the “Onscreen” button (despite the fact that Yar had put up a huge sign with flashing lights above that button after the last episode), finally got an exterior view.
What they saw shocked them...
Meanwhile, elsewhere in the time-space continuum, the Excelsior crew was repairing the damage taken the ship had taken in its disastrous battle with the Relativity...
In the Excelsior’s ready room, the senior staff was having a meeting. Old Captain Braxton was not happy. “It seems that we have greatly underestimated the strength of the Relativity. I want suggestions from all of you, starting with Young Psycho Braxton first.”
“VOYAGER GO BOOM!”
“Imaginative, yet pointless. Now let’s hear from Old Psycho Braxton.”
“Well, first, we escape from the Relativity’s brig...”
“We already did that, you moron! It’s your turn, Sisko...”
“Hawk! My name is Hawk! Get that through your head, Spenser!”
“I’m Old Captain Braxton!”
“You say potato...”
“No, you moron... Anyway, I don’t have any ideas.”
“Fine. How about you, Rand?”
“I have an idea.”
“Finally, an idea! What is it?”
“We go buy some new shields so we can battle the Relativity without getting blown up.”
“Excellent idea, Rand! Do you know where we can get some shielding?”
“Yes, I do... From Crazy Khan’s House of Shields!”
Meanwhile, at the 29th Century’s Starfleet Command...
Captain Picard’s head continued to float in its glass jar filled with brine. “Well, so much for me being in this series on a recurring basis...”
Meanwhile, back in wherever the Relativity was...
The senior staff just stared at the viewscreen. Finally, Jadzia spoke. “We’re in a cartoon?”
Braxton nodded. “Yes, but not just any cartoon... The Non-Canon Star Trek Animated Series Universe!”
Ducane turned to Braxton. “Do you know how to get us out of here?”
“Not a clue.”
Kes raised her hand. “Maybe I can get us out of here... I have superpowers.”
“Hey, that’s a great idea! I keep forgetting we have a counselor with godlike abilities! Okay, give it a try!”
So, Kes raised her hands, and bolts of energy went flying all over the place. However, when she was finished, they were still in the TAS Universe. “Well, I gave it my best shot. I guess we’re stuck here...”
Meanwhile, back in the canon Star Trek universe, the Excelsior crew went to their stations on the bridge. Old Captain Braxton turned to Rand. “How far is Crazy Khan’s House of Shields, anyway?”
“5,000 light-years, sir.”
“5,000 light-years? It’ll take years for us to get there! Whose brilliant idea was it to have a canon 8,000 light-year Federation? Whoever it was should be tortured mercilessly with endless reruns of Barney!”
Once everyone finished shuddering from thinking of such an evil form of punishment, Dark Helmet tapped Old Captain Braxton’s shoulder. “Warp speed’s too slow! We have to go right to ludicrous speed!”
As soon as he said that, the Excelsior went to plaid and was at Crazy Khan’s House of Shields in 4.7 seconds.
The entire senior staff beamed down to the building. All sorts of shielding mechanisms were on display, along with huge posters advertising the deals of the day. All of sudden, Khan Noonien Singh (in a yellow plaid leisure suit) ran up to the group. “Welcome, my friends, to Crazy Khan’s House of Shields! What can I do for you?”
Khan then noticed Rand. “I know you. Them I don’t know, but you... I never forget a face!”
“I served on the Enterprise with Captain Kirk.”
“Ah... Kirk, my old friend... I’ll chase you round the moons of Nibia, and round the Antares Maelstrom, and round...”
Old Captain Braxton interrupted Khan’s ravings. “Excuse me, but aren’t you supposed to be dead?”
“You won’t believe how often I get asked that question... It’s okay for Spock to come back from the dead, but me? No, of course not...”
“Okay, okay... We need to buy some shielding.”
“Excellent. What exactly are you looking for?”
“We need something that can withstand an attack from a Wells-class Timeship.”
“Wells-class, hmm... I think I might have something you can use...”
Khan motioned for the group to follow him over to one of the pedestals holding a shielding device. “This is a Super-Duper Deluxe Shielding Mechanism Version 4.7. It’s guaranteed to withstand a direct assault by molecular disruptors for a prolonged period of time.”
“How much is it?”
“One trillion bars of gold-pressed latinum.”
“You won’t believe how much I get that, too.”
“Well, it’s a little hard for us to pay that considering how the Federation has no such thing as money...”
“No money, no shields.”
The evil Excelsior crew scrounged up what money they could from the non-Starfleet members, and Braxton presented it to Khan. “We have $1.60. Will that do?”
Khan thought about it. “You task me... You task me, but I’ll take it!”
So, the Excelsior crew got the shields and beamed back up to the ship...
To Be Continued...
Next time, on Star Trek: Series ?, while the Relativity attempts to find a way out of the TAS Universe, the Excelsior decides to start its own reign of terror throughout time!