Episode 17: “Buttons and Blithering Buffoons, Part I”

Written by “Krenim”

Published February 17, 2001

“Captain’s Log, Stardate... You know, we do so much time-traveling I can never tell what stardate it is, so I’m just going to skip it from now on! Anyway, everything is now perfect, thanks to me! Wait a minute, if everything’s perfect, that means the show is over! Nooooooooooooooo! Quick, Ducane, tell me something’s wrong!”

“Well, sir, we still have to track down Gul Dukat and the Mysterious Red Button, who escaped with the Enterprise-Z back in Episode 13.”

Braxton breathed a sigh of relief. “Alright, let’s go get them... Wait a minute, once we capture them, then the show will be over!”

Ducane shook his head in disgust. “Don’t you keep track of anything that goes on around here? There’s plenty of other stuff that’s wrong! We have to get Jadzia a new symbiont so she won’t have the IQ of a turnip anymore, and we still have to find out why in the galaxy the 31st Century Doctor from ‘Living Witness’ is the Chief Medical Officer on our ship, which is from the 29th Century!”

“Okay, okay, I get your drift! Well, let’s go get Elmo and the Button first. I’m in the mood for a great action episode.”

“Very well, sir. I’ll begin scanning the continuum for them.”

“How long will that take?”

“I don’t know, sir.”

“Well, just don’t take too long.”

Coincidentally, Gul Dukat and the Mysterious Red Button were approaching Bajoran space at that exact moment. The Mysterious Red Button began to chuckle.

Soon, I will release the pah-wraiths upon the galaxy, and they will destroy everything! Mwahahahaha!

Dukat shrugged. “Well, you can try, but I’m telling you that I’ve tried that before! It didn’t work!”

Shut up, Tickle-Me Elmo! Where you failed 500 years ago, I shall succeed! The universe will cower before my might!

A voice came over the Enterprise-Z’s comm system. “Enterprise-Z, this is the Defiant-Q. Identify yourselves and state your purpose in coming to Bajor.”

Dukat activated the comm system. “Wait a minute... Defiant-Q? I thought the only ships that had letters in their registration numbers were the Enterprise and Relativity...”

The voice answered, “Yeah, well, you try identifying yourself as the NCC-699838502094829038547!”

“Point taken. We are Gul Dukat and the Mysterious Red Button, and we are here to release the pah-wraiths.”

Idiot! You just told them our evil plan! I hereby demote you from henchman to sub-henchman!


The Defiant’s commander answered back. “Gul Dukat the evil 24th Century Cardassian dictator, or Gul Dukat the 29th Century’s most beloved comedian?”

Uh, the comedian thing...

“The evil Mysterious Red Button from the Relativity, or the beloved Mysterious Red Button who is a great philosopher?”

The philosopher.

“And are you going to release the evil pah-wraiths who were banished from the Bajoran wormhole long ago, or the beloved pah-wraiths who have been taken hostage by a bunch of maniacs who worship Barney the Dinosaur?”

The, uh, second one...

“Okay, then, go ahead. Defiant out.”

Gul Dukat laughed. “They must have run out of original names centuries ago!”

Gee, you think? Now, my sub-henchman, set a course for the fire caves, maximum speed!

“We’re already in orbit! If we go that fast, we’ll crash into the planet!”

Uh, you must have heard me wrong... I said to slow to, uh, whatever speed it is that it’s safe to land at!

Meanwhile, back at the Federation Maximum Security Prison, the evil crew of the evil Excelsior were not having fun...

Valtane threw his bowl of soup against the wall. “Why? Why, why, why?”

Rand, in the cell across the hallway, looked over. “Why what? Why are the feeding us leola root stew, the most disgusting food in the universe?”

“No, why can’t I come up with a good parody of some Star Trek episode for us to do here? If I can’t, we won’t get any screen time until we escape in the season finale!”

Back on the Relativity, Ducane finally located the Enterprise-Z on the temporal scanners. “Captain, I’ve found them! They’re here in the 29th Century, on Bajor!”

“Excellent work, Ducane! Set a course for Bajor, maximum warp!”

“Sir, we don’t have a warp drive. Advances in propulsion technology made them obsolete years ago.”

“Then engage transwarp drive!”

“We don’t have that either.”





“Then tell me, Ducane, what do we have?”

“I have absolutely no idea. Wells-class ships don’t have a whole lot of canon info on them...”

“Maybe we should ask the Chief Engineer what kind of drive we have.”

“Sir, the Chief Engineer was Gul Dukat.”

“Your point being?”

“He’s the one we’re trying to chase down.”

“Ah... I see your point. Hey, not having a Chief Engineer is something else that’s wrong! At this rate, our show will last forever!”

“Sure, sir, sure...”

“Anyway, set a course for Bajor, and go as fast as whatever drive we have will allow us!”

“Yes, sir!”

To Be Continued...

UPN Promo:

Next time on Star Trek: Series ?, Gul Dukat and the Mysterious Red Button attempt to free the pah-wraiths by downloading the text of the Kosst Amojan off the internet!