Episode 18: “Buttons and Blithering Buffoons, Part II”

Written by “Krenim”

Published February 18, 2001

“Captain’s Log: We are now en route to the planet Bajor, where we must stop Chief Engineer Gul Dukat and the Mysterious Red Button from following through with their evil plan. Before we get there, however, I have to hold a senior staff conference. It seems that my crew is rather miffed that they haven’t been getting much screen time lately, so I figured a senior staff meeting would get them all a minute or two onscreen and get them off my back for a while.”

And so, the Relativity senior staff gathered in the observation lounge. Each took their seat at the table, with Captain Braxton sitting in a rather large throne.

Braxton began the debate. “Okay, people, you wanted screen time, you got it. So, what are our options in dealing with Elmo and the Button?”

Lt. Yar spoke up first. “Sir, before we start on that, I have to ask... Why do you get to sit in a beautiful jeweled cushy throne while we have to sit in these hard wooden shabbily-built chairs?”

“Hey, as a starship captain, I have the right to indulge my own delusions of godhood!”

“No, you don’t!”

Braxton took out a copy of Starfleet regulations. “Yes, I do! Take a look for yourself!”

Yar flipped through the book. “Hey, you wrote that in there! In crayon!”

“Fine, fine... When this is all over, I’ll replicate a new set of chairs!”

Yar continued to flip through the book. “Hey, there is a regulation that says the security chief has a right to hit people anytime she wants!”

Braxton grabbed the book back. “Let me look at that! Well, what do you know... You can hit people anytime you want!”

Five minutes later, Braxton regained consciousness with a rather nasty black eye. “Okay, if no one else wants to hit me, let’s proceed with planning how to capture our fugitives.”

No one else spoke. Braxton rolled his eyes. “Okay, regardless of who else wants to hit me, let’s proceed...”

Sulu got up and brought Dukat’s bio onscreen. “I’ve been doing some research on Dukat, and I believe that if he is on Bajor, he may be trying to free the pah-wraiths from the fire caves. After all, that was what he was trying to do right before we brought him to our time.”

Braxton shook his head. “I don’t think so, Mr. Sulu. You see, I believe the Mysterious Red Button to be the brains of this operation. Therefore, we have to approach this from its point of view. Now, we all know that a button’s function is to be pushed. Therefore, it must be going somewhere where it can be pushed...”

All of a sudden, Kes fell to the floor. The Doctor pointed accusingly at Braxton. “See what your delusions of godhood have caused?!?! Now Kes is dead!”

Kes sat up. “No, actually, I’m quite alright.”

The Doctor began crying. “Dead! Dead, I tell you, dead!” He ran sobbing out of the room.

Kes stood up. “I didn’t fall down because of the poorly-constructed chair! I fell down because I had a vision!”

Braxton’s eyes went wide. “Really? Me too! Did you ever have one where Captain Pike follows you around everywhere beeping incessantly?”

“Uh... No, sir...”

“Well, uh... That’s, uh, good... Because I never had that one either... Really...”

“Anyway, I saw flames consuming the entire galaxy, and Dukat laughing maniacally.”

“So, they must have gone to the fire caves after all...”

“I also saw piles of dead Borg and heard a voice that told me our galaxy will be purged.”

“I’m sure that means nothing. I want everyone to go get a phaser rifle and meet me in Transporter Room 1.”

Ducane smiled. “Good idea, sir! We had better beam down to the fire caves armed.”

“Actually, I just wanted to use the transporter for target practice, but that’s an even better idea, Ducane!”

Deep inside the Bajoran fire caves, Gul Dukat and the Mysterious Red Button were in the process of downloading the e-Book of the Kosst Amojan...

What’s taking so long? I want to destroy the galaxy before dinner!

“I told you we should have brought a faster modem, but would you listen to me? No...”

Silence! It doesn’t really matter anyway. I’m a button. I don’t eat.

“It’s done downloading!”

Excellent. Begin reading the incantation!

So, Gul Dukat began reading the ancient tome of the e-Book of the Kosst Amojan. Before long, the bottomless pit in front of them spewed forth flame.

The Mysterious Red Button began to laugh maniacally. At last, I stand on the threshold of victory! But first, let’s roast some marshmallows and make S’mores!

Seconds later, the Relativity senior staff beamed down into the fire cave.

Braxton pointed his phaser rifle at the Mysterious Red Button. “Alright, you two, stop your S’more-making of Evil!”

Never! Dukat, finish the spell and release the pah-wraiths!

Dukat dashed for his laptop, but Braxton grabbed it as well. Each tried to shake the other off the laptop, but finally Braxton got control of it. “No one will ever use this book to summon the pah-wraiths again! At least, not until someone else downloads it!” And with that, he threw the laptop into the fiery pit.

Nooooooooooooooo! Dukat, shove me into the pit so I may create the illusion that I jumped in in a desperate attempt to save the book!

“Okie dokie.” With that, Dukat shoved the Mysterious Red Button into the pit, where it fell screaming forever, being a bottomless pit and all.

Braxton pointed his phaser at Dukat. “Well, Elmo, are you going to follow your master?”

“Nah. Been there, done that. I give up. I was tired of being his sub-henchman anyway.”

“Very well, but you’re still going to be arrested, and more than likely, in a convenient plot twist, you will be imprisoned next to the Excelsior crew.”

“Okay, let’s go...”

“Captain’s Log: We’ve returned to the Federation Maximum Security Prison to drop off Gul Dukat. I have yet another black eye, thanks to Lt. Yar. I really need to ask the admiralty to take out that regulation. And so, we’ve resolved yet another plot line, bringing the series one step closer to its inevitable doom.”

To Be Continued...

UPN Promo:

Next time on Star Trek: Series ?, the presence of the 31st Century Doctor aboard the 29th Century Relativity is explained!